Be my escape

In 9 short months, I will be wearing a cap and gown and will offically have my ticket out of this town, out of this life.

I need to leave. I need a new place, a new job, new dreams and new experiences.

I do love SDSU and the wonderful people hear and it has been good to me. But it almost seems as though things are quietly telling me there are sick of me and now it is time to go.

I feel like I have nothing left here. My friends all love me, but they are moving on to the world of husbands and kids and leaving me behind. I like my job, but not enough to stay here and make peanuts.

I have no romantic relationship, which sucks and rocks at the same time. I want to be with someone, but I refuse to let someone stand infront of my dreams.

Anyways, I will enjoy this last year and I will try and make the most of it. But I need to leave. Where? I am not sure. What? Don't know that either. All I know is that whatever I do has gotta pay the rent and whereever I go can't be Pierre, Brookings or any other South Dakota place.

I need adventure, life and finding.

My girl's ex-boyfriend

So today I recieved some rather tough news, my ex has a new girlfriend. I knew it was coming because many of my friends love me dearly and wanted me to know that he has been seeing a girl and more than likely are dating. Well today, I found the confrimation and was upset, but only for a few moments. I described to one of my co-workers as like peeling off a band-aide, I have been working on it and this was the last little sting.

So why does this upset me? Do I want him back? No. We weren't right for each other and I was super unhappy. That's the key, I was unhappy. So it in my mind, I would be the first to move on. But he is the one who has a new relationship.

However, I started to think about why I am not in my relationship? I have had the opportunity to be in one? Yup, I've actually had a couple of persuers. If I really wanted to be in a "re-bound" relationship, I could have a long time ago. But that just isn't my style. And none of those guys were right for me, like I said before, I will never settle again.

I have had some interesting thoughts about my ex. To be honest, I don't like the guy. He hurt me so bad when he told me he didn't love me. I understand the relationship didn't work, but still that hurts.

It was hard getting over him and I am so glad that he isn't around anymore and I don't have to see. A friend of mine told me that I give this "I-want-to-throw-up"look everytime someone mention's his name. I really dislike him. If I were to see him, I would probably walk away in the other direction.

We tried to be friends, but I couldn't do it. He thought we could just pick up where we left off, nope. When he brought his soon-to-be-girlfriend around me for the first time, it wasn't pretty. We ended up fighting over skeltons in the closet, and I made a vow not to talk to him until I was ready to, if I ever again.

While fighting, I told him I hated him and I meant it. I don't like him. I don't like the way I feel when he is around and I certainly don't like the pain he has caused. I would love to invoke half the pain I went through on him, just so he knows how I felt. But he is an easy-going guy and usually lets things roll off his shoulder, so I am not sure how I would get at him if I ever wanted to.

One of my friends is still pressuring me to be his friend. I don't want to be. I really don't want anything to do with him. There may come a time when I can be friends with him, but I don't think that time is in the near future. Darcy said I shouldn't be friends with him because I don't owe him anything. She thinks staying away from him is probably the best idea, but then again she doesn't like him very much.

Anyways, I have all this pent up anger at him, but I had an interesting "ephinany" if you will yesterday. My ex helped me get out of a situation I couldn't get out of. He forced me out. I didn't want to be with him anymore, but I just couldn't break it off. I was terrified of what would happen. And by letting me go, he actually helped me. I can now do things that I couldn't with him. I can also meet a guy that I won't feel like I am settleing with. Someone who really is the man of my dreams, the love of my life.

I think whoever is "the one" will apprecaite my ex too. I was looking at the lyrics of this song called "My girl's ex-boyfriend" and basically it is a guy thanking his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend for breaking up with her, because now he has her and he won't let her go. I think the man of my dreams would be thankful for my ex.

That thought alone makes me want to forgive my ex for the hell he put me through. But acutally, the last few months have been amazing. I am learning about myself and God. I have made new friends and have really enjoyed myself. So you could say the hell he put me through has led to my current happiness.

In the end, I have forgiven him. Will I tell him that or thank him for good things I will eventually embrace? Nah. He can tell by happiness I have, the happiness I couldn't have with him.

I will find my Vanessa, my Vince, my Keith

For some reason unknown to myself, my live has become about one thing: men. Well not just men, but I spend much time thinking about potential boyfriends, men who may be interested in me and finding that one.

I have recently decided that I want a boyfriend. I thought for the longest time, I didn't, but I do. At first, I just wanted someone to date inorder to get over my ex, but I am over him and don't need a guy to do that. Anyways, I just want to meet a nice man that I could have a great relationship with.

To be honest, I want to meet my husband. I am only 21 and there is a lot I want to do in my life, but I really want to share it with someone. Although I would love to meet this man tomorrow, I know I will meet him when the time is right. In the mean time, I am gonna date.

So in my last post I mentioned guy X. Well I decided, after much debate, I couldn't date guy X. Don't get me wrong, he is super cute and I loved to talk to him, but I just don't see anything lasting with him. And I just wasn't in to him. I have had this bad habit of being in relationships where I am not happy and not being able to get out, so I thought it was just best if I didn't enter this one. Plus, I am tired of setteling. I need to find a guy that I shouldn't talk myself into liking, and my previous boyfriends were not those guys.

It was weird because I walked away from a guy I actually liked, but it had to be done. Sometimes, I still want to see him, but it is best that we end up as friends. Haven't talked to him (other than a facebook message) since I said we shouldn't see each other anymore.

Now enter guy Y. Guy Y is an interesting character in my life. He has been a friend of mine for awhile and we have flirtacious friendship. We have always teased about hooking up and what not, but it is always harmless. It drove my last boyfriend nuts and he was insanley jealous of Guy Y. Over the past few months, my friends continually tell me that they think he has feelings for me. I thought they were nuts, but now I am wondering. He called me today, and I was excited. I am usually excited when he calls, but even more so today. I have always denied feelings for him, but now I am wondering. I don't think anything would ever happen because he won't ruin friendships, but I still wonder. Who knows, I guess I will just have to see when school starts again.

There are other random men in my life. Ones that hit on me, that I crush on for approximatly a day and the ones that call. It is kinda nice to have all of this male attention. In high school, boys didn't look at me twice. Then I date a boy for two and half years, we broke up and six months later, dated another guy for about a year. Now I am single and loving it, but still waiting for someone to come along. But it has to be the right guy. I will not settle again.

More and more I honestly believe the right guy is out there. A man that is all of my dreams and that can treat me wonderfully. My first boyfriend was a good guy and then the next was pretty good, so I believe my next boyfriend will be wonderful.

A friend was telling me a story about an old friend she ran into the other day. She was talking about her latest boyfriend and how he was different. She said that she has used the "L" word on past boyfriends, but this time she means it more than ever and it feels different. I want to find that and I really truly believe I will.

I have a theroy. I was absoulty devasted when my last boyfriend and I broke up. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, but perfect couples break up like Tom and Nicole, Brad and Jen and Nick and Jessica. Well one member of that so-called perfect couple, moved on right away, who was also the instigator of the breakup. The other took their time and finally moved onto a better relationship looking like the better person. I think that will happen to me. Like Jen fround Vince, Nicole found Keith and Nick found Vanessa I will find that great guy who will be the best for me.

Until then, I continue to flirt and enjoy comments from 30-year-old men about my pretty smile and nice body.

He's just not that into you

Boys and Girls. Gusy and Gals. Men and Women. They have strange relationships. We all want that one special relationship, but what about the relationships that lead up to that? They aren't usually good, because they end. But what kind of relationships is one supposed to have before they have one?

They must be learning relationships because we need to learn what is good and what is bad inorder to find what they want. Some tell us to stay away from those bad relationships, but is there anyway to avoid them? And should we really, if you are going to get some lesson out of it?

Well I am embarking on what I could consider a learning relationship. I met a guy just over a week ago, we will call him X. We hit it off right away and he seemed like a great guy. He is cute, funny, easy to talk to and has that strangeness about him that I posses. But then because I have awful luck, I learned somethings that weren't so pleasing to his character. Turns out Mr. Wonderful has a little bit of relationship past. He is a player, whatever that term really means. He has led a few girls on at one time and hurt both of them. So much to the fact that both of them contacted me when they heard him and I had been seeing each other. They both said the same thing: stay away from him. One of my closest and trusted friends has repeatedly told me to stay away from him and that if I did get invovled with, she refused to listen about it.

So I was gonna pull the plug on everything, but he brought me back in. He just captivates me and I can't figure out why. I like him, even though I know I shouldn't. A few days ago, he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me, but doesn't think it will work out for three reasons. 1) He doesn't think I am ready for a relationship. 2) He thinks I could potentially loose friends over him. 3) He knows I have poor impressions of him.

Now all of these reasons are pretty close to the truth. 1) I am getting over a guy I thought I would never have to get over. But I want to try something new and exciting. And thing about X, is that I was initally drawn to happen and that has never happened in any of my previous relationships. 2) A few of my friends do not like him and would disapprove of any involvement I have with him. But they would still love me no matter what. 3) I don't have a good impression of him, but everyday it is changing. He doesn't understand that his actions will either deepend that opinion or erase it.

So what do I do? I like him and wouldn't mind dating him. Would it be problemsome to a few of my friendships? I think so. Could I handle that? I think so.

The last time we talked about it, he said that we should think about what we want and whats in the future for the both of us. I have a year left and he has one and half. We have a lot of the same goals and life ambitions. We both want to move out to San Diego after graduation and would love to spend some time living abroad, preferably in England or Ireland. So it's weird those ambitions are alike, but I am not sure. I don't see an acutal long-term relationship with him. His views on religion are the complete opposite of mine and that bothers me. I am also not sure if he would stay faithful to me. He tells me that if we were dating, he would be true to me and only me. But I still wonder.

The physical poriton is also a concern to me. I won't have sex with him and he respects that. He knows why and he doesn't pressure me, yet, he continues to talk about the two of us being together. He says that he wouldn't have sex with me even if I said ok because he doesn't want to ruin anything between the two of us. I wonder though, if we were in a relationship, would he still be true or would he satisfy his needs somewhere else.

I have debated about him and asked most of my friends what to do. Like I said, some say stay away. Other say take it slow and get to know him better. One of of my friends told me that I need to either date him or completly stop things with him. She is right. I am already invested and if he were to do something, I would get hurt. But I am not sure if I want to stop.

I don't trust him and that worries me. But then again, I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. But with him, things are different. This situtation reminds me of a guy I was seeing a couple of years ago. I knew he liked to hit on girls and I knew that when he was at the bar, he was hitting on girls. With X, I am not sure what he is doing.

In order to make light of this whole situtation, I looked at my trusted book, "He's just not that into you." According to Greg Bernhardt, he isn't into me. But I am really into him?

So now I continue to wait and stress over a guy that I am not sure what to think of. I like him, but will I get hurt. He promises me he won't hurt me, but can I trust him? Again, I am not sure.