The 23rd Revolution

Yesterday, I turned 23. Today, I am living with being 23.

My birthday was a bit muffled from my trip back to South Dakota that I kind of forgot about it until it actually happened. I was so excited about the visit and then I dealt with the pain of coming back, so my birthday was lost.
All and all, it was a good day. A weird day, but good.

I love birthdays, because it is my day to be reminded how loved I am. Yesterday, I was reminded, and reminded well. I did my best to avoid the crappy thinking that I usually let ruin good things in my life, but it did make its presence known.

The first time I almost lost it was when I was at a restaurant talking to Scott. We hung up because we can't usually talk very long because of our difference in phone plans. I sat there, eating my food, and was reminded that I was eating my birthday dinner alone. That hurt.

The other time was when I was driving back to the office from a volleyball game. I was listening to my Collegian friends sing me Happy Birthday. Then I relistened to my many messages from the day and heard one from my mom singing to me. All I wanted to do was hug her.

So here I am, 23 and in Idaho.

When I went back to S.Dak this weekend, it felt odd. It was like I took a step back in time. Nothing seemed different, but I felt different. The people I saw were glad to see me and greeted me with hugs, but I knew they didn't understand the tears I've shed and how everyday I wish I could see them. It's funny, because I did feel out of place but comforted at times. It was nice to walk around and see the SDSU logo again, like it's a symbol of my past. I guess it is.

It was great to see my family and friends again, but I know their lives don't stop because I am not there. Somedays, I long to go back home, but this weekend, I realized it's not easy. One of my friends is trying to adjust back to the Brookings life before he fully adjusted to life away from it. He is in this parallel and don't know what to do to break it.

Now, on the day after my 23rd birthday and still dealing with the pain of leaving home, I need to really begin looking at what I want from life. The Idaho situation is one I must embrace and that comes back to attitude again. I need to make the most of this instead of pining for home. I will go home again, I just need time to sort things out.


That's all the rambling I can do for now.