Tomorrow is the last day of 2007, and with one of the biggest decisions of my life constantly absorbing my thoughts, I thought it was time to blog, if only to clear my mind.
The start of the year was rather lame. I was with Elissa and Mike, and the three of us wallowed in our singlehood and it put a damper on the evening. However, I later realized I was so blessed to be where I was.
The first few months of the year were a whirlwind, like that entire academic year. A major story caused a major stress in my life, that at one time I thought I was being attacked for the words I wrote. It eventually all blew over and it is one of my favorite stories to tell.
All of my interest in school and work kinda took a nosedive and graduation day became my biggest priority. All I had to do was get by until that day. Looking for a job because the 900 lb gorilla of my life, and the j-word could bring me to tears. I decided on sports writing and was set on getting away as far as I could.
One day, I got an email from a Mr. Tim Flagstad. He said he had a job opening and thought I would be a worthy canididate. I had applied for a few other things, but something seemed right about this. I had an interview and then another, and soon Idaho looked like it could become home.
I'll never forget the day Tim called me. I was in Minneaplois having lunch at a Chilli's. I excused myself when I saw his number and went outside to talk to him. He unofficially offered me the job, and I knew from that point on my life was going to change drastically. When I went back inside, my mother said she never saw me eat so fast. This was it.
That Monday he officially offered me the job, and gave me a few days to think about it. I drove to Elkton that night to clear my head, called my parents and cried. Scott was the first person I told that I was taking the job. Then sitting in the Union, I called Tim and accepted. I went downstairs to the Collegian and told everyone I had a job. As they hugged me, I wanted to throw up because I was so nervous about the upcoming months.
Two weeks after graduation, I packed everything up and moved to Pocatello. I left Brookings on a Thursday and all of my friends threw me a going away party, Scott's doing. We drank the night away, and I had no idea how hard it would be to leave the next day. I couldn't sleep that night, I just cried. I cried when my room was empty. I cried when I looked into Scott's eyes for the last time. I cried when I saw the Campenile in the rear view mirror. I cried when I read a letter from Elissa saying that although our New Year's sucked, we were together. That wouldn't be the case anymore.
I spent the night in Pierre, and it wasn't any easier to say goodbye there. The next day, I headed west not knowing what I was going to find.
So much has happened in the last seven months. I started in sports and realized I wasn't really good at that at all, and took the opportunity to move to news when it came. I am not anywhere near the journalist I thought it was or the journalist I want to be. I had to learn a lot of hard lessons, but through my job, I have got to experience so much.
Moving away was much harder than I ever expected. I cried a lot for the first few days. I missed home more than I thought was possible and I couldn't believe I ended up in Idaho of all places. The summer was so hard for me. I've never felt so alone.
But things began to change, and soon Idaho became a good thing. Moving to the news side helped that a lot. I am so much happier covering city council meetings and other random assignments than basketball and volleygames. I know that sounds weird, but that is just who I am.
Scott was another factor to my unhappiness. I met him back in March and never wanted anything serious. He fell fast, and the day after I graduated, he told me loved me. I said it back, but I didn't mean it. I think I did love him at that point, but I wouldn't let myself because I was going to end our relationship in a few weeks. Well, that was my intent, but it didn't happen. We tried the distance thing for five months and then we just couldn't do it anymore. Scott and I were too different, and with 1800 miles between us, we were destine to die. The sad part of this whole thing is the way he treated me in the last few months of our relationship and since we've been broken up. As much as I hate it, I still, and will always, have feelings for him, like any other of my exboyfriends. But his behavior and lies have killed any chance we had at being friends. He is not a nice person, and although I ended it, he broke my heart. I am happy not to be with him because he wouldn't treat me the way I deserve. I don't cry daily anymore because of him, and nothing is better than that.
The other key to finding peace in Idaho is the friends I've made. We have created this little group and we spend several nights a week playing games, having drinks or just enjoying each other's company. It's funny how things work out. I can relate to this group of people better than many of my friends. They have made long day bearable and life pretty darn good. No matter what happens, I'll never forget these people.
I thought 2007 would be one of the most eventful years of my life, and it was: visitng the Dominican Republic, writing a story that made a difference, falling in and out of love, moving two states away, joining the workforce, leaving all my friends and family behind, graduating, learning to live in the real word, realizing who are friends and who are note and growing as a person. But 2008 already promises to be just as eventful.
While I was in S.Dak, I was offered a job that I didn't apply for. It's a great job with the SDSU Foundation working underneath Sherry Bordywck. It's more money, but it means that I have to go back to a town I already left. She's given me until Jan. 7 to make a decision. So, in a month, I could very well be moving back to South Dakota. I just don't know what I will do.
I am traveling to the Virgin Islands in Feb. and plan on running a marathon in May.
As I say goodbye to 2007, I am more or less scared of what 2008 will bring, but I know that after this year, I can handle anything.
That is all I got for now, but I am sure there will be more updates as Jan. 7 approaches.
P.S.
In my last post I wrote that I was going to update this more, and of course, I failed. Christi was quick to point that out when I saw her last, so that is on my New Years Resolution list. I am gonna try, but I am not making any promises :)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
And the sun will set for you
I suppose that I have failed my goal of updating this on a regular basis. Oh well. Now, I will update all the three people that read this – while pouring my heart out in words – on my latest life changes and revelations.
It wasn’t really a secret that I was unhappy in my previous posts. My life seemed dull, without potential to change. So I began to think about where the sources of my unhappiness were and I decided to change it.
Well, I guess that sounds brave and confident but the recent major changes in life kind of just happened. I didn’t plan them but they were things that needed to change. First was the break up.
Scott and I were having rough patches lately. I cried everyday for a month before I realized I just couldn’t cry anymore. Our relationship started out so beautiful. We both didn’t plan to fall in love, but we did. We didn’t know why that loved existed, but it did. So we went with it and hung on to this great potential in our relationship. He was always the stronger one, and I needed his reassurance to keep going. One day, he couldn’t reassure me anymore. He didn’t know what he wanted, and I sure as hell didn’t know. He told me he wanted me to wait while he decided whether or not our relationship had a future. I thought that had already been decided when he said I was the one, but I’ve been wrong before. I tried to wait, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted a commitment from him, and I couldn’t wait knowing there was a good chance I would be holding on for nothing at all.
Foolishly, I thought the solution was to walk away. If I left his life, he would realize how much I meant to him and that he wanted me in it forever. Stupid me. He didn’t come after me, and I really should have known that.
At first, I was satisfied with this decision, almost happy. I didn't cry every day anymore. Then misery sank in and I began to long for him. My friends and family gave me 100 reasons not to think about him, but I could think of 101 reasons to think of him. Soon, my mind took control of the situation. It convinced me that he probably missed me too but couldn’t call me because I was the one who broke it off. If I only I were to call him, he and I could discuss things and decide we wanted to take on the differences and be together. Again, foolish me.
I called and he ignored my call. I left a message, and no surprise, it wasn’t returned. Later that evening, he made some proclamation about having a date. I was torn up. How could this be? How could the man that I left already moved on to someone else? I took the phone call and proclamation as signs, and hints, to just move and force myself that the beauty of that relationship was dead.
It hasn’t been easy at all, actually. When I feel myself slipping into the consuming thoughts, I play Over You and sing to it loudly. My mind gets away from me and I think that he really misses me, but painfully, I am reminded that relationship was never going to work. And that is what hurts the most.
He unblocked me from msn the other day, only for me to find another proclomation about him going on a date. I don't know if he wants me to see that or not. I don't know if he is trying to hurt me or not. I just know that if I was going on a date that I would never put it up on facebook or msn because I know he may find and I don't want to hurt him. I remember that when he first asked me out, I wanted to show my excitement about it but didn't because I know there was people I would hurt with it.
What really bothers me is that if he is trying to hurt me why doesn't he just talk to me and yell at me. I hate that he ignores me, probably why he does it. He said he wanted us to still be friends, and I was really for it, but after this I am not sure if that will be possible. I am going to try one more time to talk to him, but at this point I am not sure if he deserves my attention.
I guess my biggest problem with all of this is that I am letting him get to me. If he was worth all this pain, he wouldn't be treating me like this. One of my friends told me I was too special to be treated like this and that the right guy would never try to do this to me. I just need to let it go.
The thick silver lining to all of this is that I’ve learned a lot from this relationship, probably more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve had to point out what I did wrong and what I need to work on before I find Mr. Right. But hopefully, whoever he is, is also figuring out his relationship weaknesses and working on them. Scott wasn’t willing to do that, one reason we didn’t last.
What makes this interesting is that I inquired about a few jobs back in South Dakota so that I could move back and fix this with him. Funny, I bet he never looked for a job in Idaho. I got one offer, but turned it down. I would’ve had to move home right away, and I wasn’t quite willing. Another, I just interviewed for. This would be a job I would move home for, but I am not sure right now.
Reason – I have a new job. Recently, I switched over to the news desk from sports. After three days, I already like it better. Yeah, the content is dry and the writing isn’t as creative, but I am writing about things I care about and I feel like I am doing the Lord’s work. Going to work doesn’t suck so bad anymore.
All these changes has brought a lot of thinking. After the breakup with Scott, I needed to experience something and do something that will allow me to forget this mess, so I went to San Francisco. I met some pretty amazing and uplifting people there, but mostly I realized that I need to be happy with who I am and where I am at. If I am not, then I will be moving from job to job, state to state and boyfriend to boyfriend. But if I become happy, the right job, place and man will fall into place. That is my life goal at the moment and I am trying to fulfill it out.
My man situtation is kinda odd. I want to date, but I don't think that I am in a good place for a relationship right now, however, I am never opposed to it. To quote Fergi: "Me and myself, we have some figuring out to do." I am keeping my eye open, but after Scott, I know I have to work on a few things before getting into another serious relationship. There is this guy Jaimee who apparently is infatuated with me. I've only talked to him twice, but I guess he asks about me all the time. My friends Joe and Jolene are set on hooking me up with him, but I am not sure if he is really my type. Either way, Jolene promises me she will find me a hot guy, which is fine by me :)
It's funny because I believe in true love more than ever. I believe that it doesn't have to be this hard, and that crying everyday is not healthy. I really do think Mr. Right is out there, he just will come when the time is right.
Another ephimay I had was that Idaho isn’t so bad. There are some pretty incredible people here, and I starting to find a social life. Gasp! These faces of Idaho are helping me realize I can be happy, I just have to be open to it.
I am really starting to learn myself and be more confident in myself. One huge step is that I can look myself in the mirror and say that I am beautiful. I am trying to be more confident and flirtacious. I am learning to find peace and not let my mind take control. I still have a lot of growing up to do but it is all coming together.
I plan on taking another adventure soon. I am gonna go to the Virgin Islands with a few friends to visit Brandon. It will be pretty amazing. I really don't have the money but these are my best friends and I owe Brandon a visit.
So that is my crazy life. I really plan to update you more. Promise.
God Bless
It wasn’t really a secret that I was unhappy in my previous posts. My life seemed dull, without potential to change. So I began to think about where the sources of my unhappiness were and I decided to change it.
Well, I guess that sounds brave and confident but the recent major changes in life kind of just happened. I didn’t plan them but they were things that needed to change. First was the break up.
Scott and I were having rough patches lately. I cried everyday for a month before I realized I just couldn’t cry anymore. Our relationship started out so beautiful. We both didn’t plan to fall in love, but we did. We didn’t know why that loved existed, but it did. So we went with it and hung on to this great potential in our relationship. He was always the stronger one, and I needed his reassurance to keep going. One day, he couldn’t reassure me anymore. He didn’t know what he wanted, and I sure as hell didn’t know. He told me he wanted me to wait while he decided whether or not our relationship had a future. I thought that had already been decided when he said I was the one, but I’ve been wrong before. I tried to wait, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted a commitment from him, and I couldn’t wait knowing there was a good chance I would be holding on for nothing at all.
Foolishly, I thought the solution was to walk away. If I left his life, he would realize how much I meant to him and that he wanted me in it forever. Stupid me. He didn’t come after me, and I really should have known that.
At first, I was satisfied with this decision, almost happy. I didn't cry every day anymore. Then misery sank in and I began to long for him. My friends and family gave me 100 reasons not to think about him, but I could think of 101 reasons to think of him. Soon, my mind took control of the situation. It convinced me that he probably missed me too but couldn’t call me because I was the one who broke it off. If I only I were to call him, he and I could discuss things and decide we wanted to take on the differences and be together. Again, foolish me.
I called and he ignored my call. I left a message, and no surprise, it wasn’t returned. Later that evening, he made some proclamation about having a date. I was torn up. How could this be? How could the man that I left already moved on to someone else? I took the phone call and proclamation as signs, and hints, to just move and force myself that the beauty of that relationship was dead.
It hasn’t been easy at all, actually. When I feel myself slipping into the consuming thoughts, I play Over You and sing to it loudly. My mind gets away from me and I think that he really misses me, but painfully, I am reminded that relationship was never going to work. And that is what hurts the most.
He unblocked me from msn the other day, only for me to find another proclomation about him going on a date. I don't know if he wants me to see that or not. I don't know if he is trying to hurt me or not. I just know that if I was going on a date that I would never put it up on facebook or msn because I know he may find and I don't want to hurt him. I remember that when he first asked me out, I wanted to show my excitement about it but didn't because I know there was people I would hurt with it.
What really bothers me is that if he is trying to hurt me why doesn't he just talk to me and yell at me. I hate that he ignores me, probably why he does it. He said he wanted us to still be friends, and I was really for it, but after this I am not sure if that will be possible. I am going to try one more time to talk to him, but at this point I am not sure if he deserves my attention.
I guess my biggest problem with all of this is that I am letting him get to me. If he was worth all this pain, he wouldn't be treating me like this. One of my friends told me I was too special to be treated like this and that the right guy would never try to do this to me. I just need to let it go.
The thick silver lining to all of this is that I’ve learned a lot from this relationship, probably more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve had to point out what I did wrong and what I need to work on before I find Mr. Right. But hopefully, whoever he is, is also figuring out his relationship weaknesses and working on them. Scott wasn’t willing to do that, one reason we didn’t last.
What makes this interesting is that I inquired about a few jobs back in South Dakota so that I could move back and fix this with him. Funny, I bet he never looked for a job in Idaho. I got one offer, but turned it down. I would’ve had to move home right away, and I wasn’t quite willing. Another, I just interviewed for. This would be a job I would move home for, but I am not sure right now.
Reason – I have a new job. Recently, I switched over to the news desk from sports. After three days, I already like it better. Yeah, the content is dry and the writing isn’t as creative, but I am writing about things I care about and I feel like I am doing the Lord’s work. Going to work doesn’t suck so bad anymore.
All these changes has brought a lot of thinking. After the breakup with Scott, I needed to experience something and do something that will allow me to forget this mess, so I went to San Francisco. I met some pretty amazing and uplifting people there, but mostly I realized that I need to be happy with who I am and where I am at. If I am not, then I will be moving from job to job, state to state and boyfriend to boyfriend. But if I become happy, the right job, place and man will fall into place. That is my life goal at the moment and I am trying to fulfill it out.
My man situtation is kinda odd. I want to date, but I don't think that I am in a good place for a relationship right now, however, I am never opposed to it. To quote Fergi: "Me and myself, we have some figuring out to do." I am keeping my eye open, but after Scott, I know I have to work on a few things before getting into another serious relationship. There is this guy Jaimee who apparently is infatuated with me. I've only talked to him twice, but I guess he asks about me all the time. My friends Joe and Jolene are set on hooking me up with him, but I am not sure if he is really my type. Either way, Jolene promises me she will find me a hot guy, which is fine by me :)
It's funny because I believe in true love more than ever. I believe that it doesn't have to be this hard, and that crying everyday is not healthy. I really do think Mr. Right is out there, he just will come when the time is right.
Another ephimay I had was that Idaho isn’t so bad. There are some pretty incredible people here, and I starting to find a social life. Gasp! These faces of Idaho are helping me realize I can be happy, I just have to be open to it.
I am really starting to learn myself and be more confident in myself. One huge step is that I can look myself in the mirror and say that I am beautiful. I am trying to be more confident and flirtacious. I am learning to find peace and not let my mind take control. I still have a lot of growing up to do but it is all coming together.
I plan on taking another adventure soon. I am gonna go to the Virgin Islands with a few friends to visit Brandon. It will be pretty amazing. I really don't have the money but these are my best friends and I owe Brandon a visit.
So that is my crazy life. I really plan to update you more. Promise.
God Bless
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