I fee like a pregnant woman.
No, I am not pregnant, but my emotions could be compared to that of a woman in her third trimester. What and see:
People always say how good college is, but they quite explain to you how hard it is to leave that lifestyle behind. How to move on and be adult in a world where everyone expects so much from you. Why didn't they teach me this in college?
I knew coming out to Idaho would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Part of the problem is my attitude. It's hard to get out of bed and do things that I usually love to do like running. I hate running here. And when I meet someone new, all I can think about is that these people will never compare to my real friends back in Brookings. That is attitude is what makes me cry at night.
The job is ok. There is the potential for me to be good at my job, but I just can't seem to do things right. I don't write like I normally do and I just can't think clearly.
It still hasn't sunk in that I am not going anywhere in the fall. I will be here. I won't see the beautiful fall colors against the Campanile and I won't ring my blue bell at a Jacks first down. Nope. I will be in Poky, and that thought brings me to tears.
The people here are nice, but making friends takes time. I don't feel like myself. I feel like a stranger who is trying to do the best she can but can't quite seem to make it.
I had planned that Idaho would help me discover who I am but I didn't know it would be painful. Jeremy once warned me that self-discover is tough because you learn things about yourself you don't like and you have to be willing to go outside the comfort zone to change that.
Life right now is rough, but then I have moments of sunshine that tell me I am doing ok. I know God would not have put me here if he didn't think I could handle it. I pray for strength everyday, and He gives it to me. I just don't use it right.
Anyways, this is all over the place but I just needed to say something to someone. Sorry that you caught me on a "bad attitude day," as I call it.
God Bless all.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Greetings from Idaho
So I guess a lot has happened since my last post. In the month of May, I: left Daktronics, graduated college, signed a lease for a new apartment, watched one of my best friends marry the love of her life, said goodbye to the people I love the most, moved two states away and started my first job in the real world. Big changes!
My last week was absolutely perfect. I had lunches with wonderful friends, spent three pitchers pouring my heart out to a close friend and danced the night away at Danny's Lounge with some of the best people that I know. My last night in Brookings ended with a surprise party that my wonderful boyfriend and friends threw for me. It was absolutely amazing and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my last night in Brookings other than with the people that make it so special.
Then came Friday-- the day I had been dreading for two months. I packed up the car, said my last goodbyes and headed down Highway 14 for the last time. I cried a lot that day. In my empty room, in Scott's arms, hugging Gianna as I said goodbye, taking one last, long look at the Campanile.
When I got to Pierre, I was just confused and emotional mess. But my mom wanted my last night in South Dakota to be special so she surprised me by inviting all of my friends in Pierre over for a BBQ. That was a lot of fun, and then we to Zesto and to the pool so Paula could do an errand. Being at the Pierre City Pool was like putting my life in perspective. It was good to see that place one last time, like a visual to the end of an era.
My mom and I drove the 14 hours to Poky the next day. My stomach started tying up in knots once we hit Rapid. I cried a few times when I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my mom following me. It hurt to know she won't be physically behind me anymore.
The next few days were a blur. I was mostly cranky because it started to sink that this my new home and wasn't sure how I felt about that. Then money issues started to occupy my thoughts and I just wanted to cry every moment. Life got a bit better after I bought some furniture and a couple of friends from home called. I started to feel better about things and my apartment slowly began to feel like home.
Then I started work. The first day was awkward, but that is to be expected for a first day. But by the second day, everything felt right. I began to get that feeling in my stomach then creeps into my veins and eventually giving me goosebumps. It's my journalism high.
Friday was a bad day. My mom left that day. The loneliness started to take over, and I felt defeated at the end of the night. Scott tried to bring my spirits up, but I still wanted to stay in bed for a few days.
My social life has been one of the hardest adjustments for me. It's hard going to the grocery store or a bar and not seeing one familiar face. And it rots my stomach knowing that I can't just call a friend to watch a movie or have lunch. But Saturday night a couple of guys from work invited me to their favorite bar after work. I met more people that, and even experienced my first gay bar! It was a good night and it definetly put me it a better mood.
Everyone was curious as to what would happen when I left with Scott and I. It was a really hard decision and something I thought about a long time. The decision came down to our last final moments together and we decided that we care too much about each other not to try. So we are trying. It isn't easy, and sometimes I hate it so much I scream, but that man makes me crazy and he is worth it. He is coming to visit and I absoulty can't wait.
I had the last couple of days off and I am ready to go back to work because I really don't have much to do. My mood changes each day. Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am sad and lonely. But overall things are getting better. I do wish I would meet more people, but I haven't found the best way to do that. Hopefully, it will come.
I still miss home a lot, but things are feeling more familiar here. I went for a hike the other day, and I realized how blessed I was to be able to enjoy the beautiful mountains here.
Oh but I guess I have to take it one day at a time and trust God that he wouldn't have put me in a situation I couldn't handle.
I am going to leave you with a few differences between South Dakota and Idaho.
Until next time.
South Dakota vs. Idaho
1. Instead of Catholic of Lutheran Churches on every corner there are Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints synagogues.
2. Everyone is married.
3. They REALLY like potatoes.
4. Every woman is pregnant.
5. This is a college town, but most people seem older.
6. There fast food options are quite different than ours.
That is really the jist of it. They are actually very similar states.
My last week was absolutely perfect. I had lunches with wonderful friends, spent three pitchers pouring my heart out to a close friend and danced the night away at Danny's Lounge with some of the best people that I know. My last night in Brookings ended with a surprise party that my wonderful boyfriend and friends threw for me. It was absolutely amazing and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my last night in Brookings other than with the people that make it so special.
Then came Friday-- the day I had been dreading for two months. I packed up the car, said my last goodbyes and headed down Highway 14 for the last time. I cried a lot that day. In my empty room, in Scott's arms, hugging Gianna as I said goodbye, taking one last, long look at the Campanile.
When I got to Pierre, I was just confused and emotional mess. But my mom wanted my last night in South Dakota to be special so she surprised me by inviting all of my friends in Pierre over for a BBQ. That was a lot of fun, and then we to Zesto and to the pool so Paula could do an errand. Being at the Pierre City Pool was like putting my life in perspective. It was good to see that place one last time, like a visual to the end of an era.
My mom and I drove the 14 hours to Poky the next day. My stomach started tying up in knots once we hit Rapid. I cried a few times when I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my mom following me. It hurt to know she won't be physically behind me anymore.
The next few days were a blur. I was mostly cranky because it started to sink that this my new home and wasn't sure how I felt about that. Then money issues started to occupy my thoughts and I just wanted to cry every moment. Life got a bit better after I bought some furniture and a couple of friends from home called. I started to feel better about things and my apartment slowly began to feel like home.
Then I started work. The first day was awkward, but that is to be expected for a first day. But by the second day, everything felt right. I began to get that feeling in my stomach then creeps into my veins and eventually giving me goosebumps. It's my journalism high.
Friday was a bad day. My mom left that day. The loneliness started to take over, and I felt defeated at the end of the night. Scott tried to bring my spirits up, but I still wanted to stay in bed for a few days.
My social life has been one of the hardest adjustments for me. It's hard going to the grocery store or a bar and not seeing one familiar face. And it rots my stomach knowing that I can't just call a friend to watch a movie or have lunch. But Saturday night a couple of guys from work invited me to their favorite bar after work. I met more people that, and even experienced my first gay bar! It was a good night and it definetly put me it a better mood.
Everyone was curious as to what would happen when I left with Scott and I. It was a really hard decision and something I thought about a long time. The decision came down to our last final moments together and we decided that we care too much about each other not to try. So we are trying. It isn't easy, and sometimes I hate it so much I scream, but that man makes me crazy and he is worth it. He is coming to visit and I absoulty can't wait.
I had the last couple of days off and I am ready to go back to work because I really don't have much to do. My mood changes each day. Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am sad and lonely. But overall things are getting better. I do wish I would meet more people, but I haven't found the best way to do that. Hopefully, it will come.
I still miss home a lot, but things are feeling more familiar here. I went for a hike the other day, and I realized how blessed I was to be able to enjoy the beautiful mountains here.
Oh but I guess I have to take it one day at a time and trust God that he wouldn't have put me in a situation I couldn't handle.
I am going to leave you with a few differences between South Dakota and Idaho.
Until next time.
South Dakota vs. Idaho
1. Instead of Catholic of Lutheran Churches on every corner there are Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints synagogues.
2. Everyone is married.
3. They REALLY like potatoes.
4. Every woman is pregnant.
5. This is a college town, but most people seem older.
6. There fast food options are quite different than ours.
That is really the jist of it. They are actually very similar states.
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