"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Yesterday I ran into an old friend who was in town for a sin-ingested day called Pub Crawl. It had been months since we last talked and both of our lives had undergone some big changes. So we found a table in a crowded bar and casually discussed the current status of our lives.

He is happily engaged and working a job that he really likes. I told him about my new job and the big move back. He asked if still had my "boy toy" (I am sure he couldn't remember his name.) Not wanting to get into too much detail I told him that we were no longer together and broke up in October. We continued discussing things and he abruptly said "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" I just laughed, but he asked again, "No, seriously, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend."

This question plagued me a bit because he isn't the only person to ask me this recently. So why don't I have a boyfriend?

It’s not that I don’t want one, believe me. So what is it?

My last relationship ended about five months ago, and I have only kissed one man since him (If you must know, he was a charming man I met in Boise who was utterly fascinated with me and nearly heartbroken when I told him I was moving to South Dakota). Many people actually thought that when I moved back, Scott and I would give it another try. I never saw that as an option because it just didn't work out for us. We are not on talking terms, but I don't hate him anymore. In fact, even when he took a shot at me on my friend's facebook wall, I felt sorry for him. I am OK with seeing him now, but I don't know if he is. Anyway, pining for an ex-lover is not the reason why I am single.

I guess I am single because my last relationship proved to me that I need to grow in several ways before I can actually be with someone.

My biggest problem in relationships is trust. I have upsetted, and hurt, boyfriends when I question whether or not they love me. When they say it, I have a hard time believing that someone could actually love me. I even give them excuses to love me, such as "He only loves me because he thinks no one else will love him" or "Most girls reject his advances and I was the only stupid one to give in." I never realized how much of insult that is to him and to myself.

So lately I started wondering why don't I trust them? Then I realized it's not just boyfriends I don't trust. It's my friends. I have this irrational fear that if someone hasn't called me in a while it probably means that I did something to piss them off and they really don't want to be friends with me. Or that my friends only hang out with me because they feel sorry for me or don't have anyone else to hang out with.

Then I realized I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make good decisions and to stand up and do what is right. Even more, I don't trust God and that he will really take care of me.

This is where you sigh and say, "Yup, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Oh, but it gets worse. I realized today that I so afraid of getting hurt that I just close guys off. When a guy hits on me, I automatically think he is only using me to get in my pants so I close him off. Actually, I get a snobby and bitchy, both highly attractive qualities let me tell you. I immediately write guys off as man whores when all they may want is to just say hi.

Today, I was discussing with friends how superficial love is. I explained to them how upset I was when I finished "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book was an enthralling tale of one woman's rise from depression, loneliness and self destruction through a pleasure-engaging and spiritual journey. It was so refreshing to see a woman find her self and happiness through pasta and prayer, until the end of the book when she falls in love with a Brazilian man. It infuriated me that she just had to fall in love. Why couldn't she just find herself and be happy with that? It continually proves to women that in order to be ultimately happy they have to have love. I felt that when the author fell in love she lost all credibility about empowering herself to be a better version of herself.

So, as I was explaining these frustrations to my friend, he stopped and said "What's so wrong with being in love, Heather?"

"Well, nothing, I am just tired of everyone believing that happiness has to come through love?"

"But happiness does come through love."

"Sure, but not all happiness."

"So why do you hate love?"

I guess I don't hate love as much as I envy those who hate. Being love is a great feeling but to me I need to love myself before I can fully love someone else to the degree they deserve. I want to give someone my all, but I need to give myself my all before I can do that to someone else.

The best way to do that is give myself things I want. The other day I spoiled myself in a way that I've never had. I got up, went to yoga, went running, wrote a bit, cooked myself an amazingly tasty meal, drank a few glasses of wine that led to a few bottles and enjoyed the company of new and old friends at my quaint apartment. It was a Heather Day.

I wasn't trying to impress someone else or make someone else happy. I was making myself happy, something I have never really done. Often, in relationships I sacrifice my happiness to make the other person happy. I will spend my hard earned money on them. I will give them any free time I have. I redirect the love I have myself toward them. I was think that if they are happy then I will be happy.

That is a stupid way to live. I know now that to love someone truly, I must love myself. That sound cliché, and it is, but it's so very true.

At this point in my life, I am learning to love and trust myself. I do that by doing things that make me happy. I eat what I want. I hang out with who I want. I wear what I want. I say what I want. I am just trying to be the best Heather Mangan I can and accepting myself just the way I am.

Also, I am learning to trust in other aspects of my life. When a friend doesn't immediately call me back, I try to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything and not to panic. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but my insecurities don't disrupt my life like they used to. I also tell myself that there is nothing wrong with staying home on a Friday or Saturday night. It's really OK.

So I guess the best way to answer the "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" question is that I am working on my self development. I guess another reason is that I haven't met anyone I am willing to pursue.

Sure, I have met a few great guys lately, but there hasn't been a connection. Too many times I have talked myself into a relationship or staying in one. No more. It shouldn't be that much work. I shouldn't have to convince myself that this is a good idea. It should be.

For now, I am just gonna work on being the best me and waiting for the right time. I know that when I am ready, I am going to have let my guard down when it comes to guys, but for now I am just going to make myself happy.

As a wonderful friend once said, "I guess if I am not finding the right guy now, that's God telling me I need to be the right girl."


**** I know I haven't posted since my move back, and I plan to soon, I just needed to get these thoughts out. So expect an update of my life shortly.****