We met for coffee -- at my request -- at a Starbucks on the north-end of town. Still dressed for church, my black and white skirt paired with knee-high boots was a bit ornate for the casual coffee atmosphere. Most of the makeup I put on that morning was washed away from by my tears. My hair was in a tangle mess and nothing could make me smile, not even the company of a friend.
We order the hoity-toity drinks Starbucks built its empire on and sat in black leather couches near the corner. He knew what I wanted to talk about and gave his best performance as a supportive friend. We went through the details of the decision and benefits of going for it. He sat back, one leg propped on the coffee table and a dark stocking cap hiding his brown locks, making mental lists of what I was saying. Not seeing a red flag, he asked “So, what is the biggest drawback?”
Holding back the inevitable tears, I choked, “I would feel like a failure.”
“Then stay, Heather. If you are going to feel like a failure, don’t go.”
It’s been almost 11 months since that conversation with my friend Dan and I still can’t let go.
I left anyway, believing that the benefits of moving were bigger than feeling like a failure. I moved and took the job anyway, believing that I was taking a step forward and those feelings of failure would eventually go away because they weren’t true.
Yet, they didn’t.
A few weeks ago, I started seeing a career counselor in hopes of getting some insight into what I should/want to do with my life. Naturally, the job and the move were mentioned as background information, yet we spent much of the session discussing it. She seemed to be concerned as to why I feel like I failed by moving back to family and friends for a great job. I tried to explain her that I didn’t really, but it was more of perception, but she wasn’t satisfied.
Truthfully, I didn’t realize this was still an issue until I met with her. Maybe I suppressed those feelings or just became used to them, but deep down I still felt like I failed somehow.
There is no good reason for me to feel this way. I have a great job that I am happy to go to every day. I’m closer to my family and I have good friends just blocks away. Brookings is a great community and many are happy to be here. My life is less disoriented and, generally, better than it was in Idaho. So, how could I feel failure?
I spent Thanksgiving at home in Pierre and those feelings were stronger than ever. When I lived in Idaho and came home for a holiday, I could proudly say that I left. Life might be hard, but I was making something of myself. Idaho might not be glamorous, but it was a hell of a lot better than Pierre.
This holiday was different.
Now, I am just three hours away, living in my college town. And that reason alone signifies failure. I was ashamed to tell people where I lived and cringed while answering “Are you still in Idaho?” Anything great in my life seemed to be clogged by this disappointment.
When I felt so alone in middle school and high school, I promised myself that I would go somewhere more fantastic than anyone could imagine and I would do something nobody thought was possible but me. In college, when long days were the norm and life never seemed to hit the brakes, I reminded myself that this hard work was going to take me somewhere special. It was my piece of retaliation to those people who never thought much of me.
For most, Idaho doesn’t seem like a special place, but to me it was. It was the beginning of a dream come true. It was just the starting point as I chased a dream, which would lead me to other great places. It was the doorway to somewhere fantastic and it didn’t come with a 605 area code. The loneliness and unhappiness were never a match for the pride I felt for being somewhere else.
When I came back, that was shattered. The other parts of my life improved, but that crutch was gone.
It hurts to feel this way. My friends and family, who were thrilled to see me move back, don’t deserve this. My organization doesn’t deserve this. My community, which has given me more than I give it, doesn’t deserve this. I can’t help but feel selfish, whiny and thankless.
This sense of failure, I realized, was that I am not where I said I would be. There were two life plans I had mapped out: moving to a big city and writing pieces that moved, inspired peopled or settling down in a comfortable job with the man of my dreams. Neither path came true and I can’t help but ask why. There’s not a good or simple answer.
But, I am not a failure for being in Brookings or even leaving Idaho. If I am a failure at all, it’s because I don’t believe I can actually fulfill those dreams.
The opposition reminds me I don’t have the talent or the courage to be a great writer. The past presents the idea the that maybe I’m not good enough or don’t deserve a loving husband. Maybe my dreams are too far beyond the reality of my life.
That is my failure.
My life is at a good spot, it’s transitional, but it’s good. Sure, they are other things I want to do and be, but any thoughts of failure of self inflicted. I’ve been caught up in what I assume are perceptions of my life, but paranoia is not a becoming element of life.
The other day a friend of mine told me that I’m never going to know what I want to do with my life, and that is far from failure. I have options and whatever I choose, he said, I’ll be successful.
What I’ve come to understand is that I’ll make mistakes and I’ll hit bumps, but if I fail, it’s because I let myself. It’s up to me to make sure I don’t fail. So far, I’m, doing a pretty good job, and it only took me 11 months to realize it.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thankful
This morning, I got up early to participate in Pierre’s annual Turkey Trot 5K run. As I was about half of a mile from the finish line, a song came across my iPod that began “Be thankful for the life you got.” The wide grin on my face proved that I was.
Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday. There are no gift expectations or need for social plans. Commercialism doesn’t hit this day as hard and good food is just as important as good company. But more importantly, I adore Thanksgiving for the simplicity of just being thankful. It’s an entire day dedicated to remembering the blessings in our life.
I cherish this day by making a list of just a few of things that I am thankful for and remembering to thank those most important in my life. A simple thank you can go along way, so remember to say it often and honestly. I just want to thank all of you that read this blog. It’s usually an incoherent mess, but I have a few wonderful and faithful followers and I couldn’t be more thankful. I honestly discover myself through this blog and I appreciate anyone who finds that interesting enough to visit once and while. Thank you and I am still working on that redesign I promised.
In the spirit of the holiday, here is a list of things that I’m thankful for. Enjoy the day and may you remember God’s blessings everyday.
I am thankful for …
God’s presence in my life
A healthy family that is responsible for the person I am today
Good friendships that keep each day exciting
When someone makes a comment about my writing
Tea in the morning
Going to a job that I love
The relationship with my body during a run
Unexpected text messages
The way my muscles hurt after yoga
Being reminded of Idaho in South Dakota
A night of dancing
Being silly for the point of being silly
Well-written stories
Pandora
Restaurants that cater to vegetarians
Friends who bring out the true me
Designing something worth showing off
Unanswered prayers
Road trips to visit friends
Phone calls from my parents
Half-priced apps at O’Hares
Exploring a new place
A person’s life story
Sharing my journalism passion with Chris
Dinner parties with strangers
Singing in church
Joking around with Jason
My seventh-grade CCD class
Email pals
Not knowing where I am going, but knowing I am going somewhere
Four seasons
The sight of the yellow house atop Euclid Avenue
Water
Knowing I can move anywhere and meet wonderful people
Scarves
The environment of a Jackrabbit football game
Lunch dates
Hearing God speak to me
Micah’s Halloween Sweatshirt
Hearing I have job security
Unexpected adventures
My mom’s ability to make everything seem alright
Being invited to two Thanksgivings
Wearing the same clothes I did in high school
Lyrics that give me goosebumps
The chance to still write sports
Getting that feeling when seeing Campanile for the first time in months every day.
A supervisor who believed in me so much that she asked me to make the hardest decision of my life
Believing I still made the right decision even though I miss what I left behind
Learning about myself through the words I write
A smile from a stranger
Giggling
The kids at the shelter who taught me that no matter how bad life can be, you still know how to smile
The mountains
Good conversation accompanied with a good mocha
When people tell me “You will go places”
Receiving mail with an 83201 zip code
Shaking hands with the next great leader of our country
Wine and cheese parties
Having so many options for a life path
Friendships that don’t die, no matter distance or time
Seeing a familiar face at the grocery store
Group prayers
Pictures
Prairie sunsets
Being knocked over a cliff by a large wave and living to tell the story
Inheriting my dad’s optimism
Having flaws
Social engagements most nights of the week, but at least one night to myself
The Office
The Minnesota Twins
But most of all, I am thankful for:
My health
Owning a bachelor’s degree
A roof over my head
Food in the cupboards
A car to get me from place to place
A way to pay the bills
Clothes in the closet
A good childhood
Wonderful friends
An amazing family
God’s love
Being happy
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
"No one is immune"
Somewhere in a box at my parent’s house is a yellowed, poorly cut newspaper article. It was from a 1999 or 2000 fall issue of The Argus Leader. The article, a column that ran every Sunday, was a tribute to high school cross country and each beautiful bump and bruise that comes with the sport. As a young girl falling hopelessly in love with running, I cut it out as inspiration before every season and each big meet.
To most people, that article was a nice piece for a sport that rarely gets covered. To me, it was almost a calling. Each word was a new addiction and another reason to mimic the man behind the pen. After reading the column, I thought to myself, “I want to write like him.”
The he is Terry Woster. Before this particular column, to me, Terry was the guy who lived in the big red house that gave out great candy at Halloween and the guitarist in the church choir. I knew he was a writer, but my knowledge of his career ended there. To the rest of the state, he was one of the best political writers in the state, not to mention one of the best writers. He came from a family of talented writers and there aren’t many people in the state who don’t know the Wosters.
After the cross country column, I made it a habit to read Terry’s Life column each Sunday. He can arrange words so that they just fall right to your heart as if you were having a real face-to-face conversation with him. The column is Terry’s side bit. When it comes to covering the South Dakota state government, there really isn’t anyone better. He is the sole member of The Argus Leader’s Pierre bureau, but has been covering this state for decades for various newspapers. He has stories about each South Dakota politician and every big moment in the state’s history. Terry really has a story about everything.
It didn’t take long for this budding journalist to realize that Terry was a good reporter to look up to. He, my father and a couple of other local reporters were my true journalism inspirations. Not only could Terry write, he could report. He asks the tough questions and isn’t afraid to call the good guys out.
When I interned with the SDNA at the Legislature, I shared a newsroom with Terry. Watching him work was better training than any text book. He rarely wrote notes, but had his finger on almost every issue. He could quote almost any rock song from the 60s and usually fashioned a Beatles tie. He was fierce, but not intimidating. Never once did he shoo away a 21-year-old intern who was trying to get her arms around tax laws. Each day, Terry was motivation to be the best reporter that I could be. He was just that kind of journalist and that kind of person.
The afternoon of 2008 election, The Argus Leader informed Terry that he would be let go. After decades of serving the South Dakota public, Terry will close the bureau and say goodbye in December.
For those of us that know the newspaper business, this is another lost solider. Another dedicated, tenured, respected journalist, whose salary has become too big for suffering newspapers to handle. When Gannett told The Argus it needed to make a 10 percent cut, the biggest expenses had to go. Unfortunately, that happens to be the newspaper’s best reporter.
My boss called me about this today, and as a former newspaper woman married to a newspaper man, she was disgusted. “No one is immune,” she said. She told me that I made the best decision by getting out of the biz. She told me to tell my friend, who was sitting next to me at the time and a reporter for The Rapid City Journal, to get out. It’s not a safe business to be anymore. Each day great employees are being cut because of budgets, such as my former coworker at the ISJ. Or extremely talented reporters are leaving because the future is so dark and clouded.
From the moment I left ISJ, I wondered if I made the right decision leaving newspapers. Today, I realized that I did. My heart will always belong to newspapers, but my future wouldn’t survive.
It will be weird not to see Terry’s byline in The Argus anymore, especially with the next Legislative session just a few months away. My hope is that he writes a book. I don’t care the topic, I’ll buy copy. This is a tragic end to such a great career, but as he writes his final piece, I hope he knows how much he has touched his readers and the people around this state. No matter what career path I take, every time I think of Terry Woster I will think, “I want to write like him.”
To most people, that article was a nice piece for a sport that rarely gets covered. To me, it was almost a calling. Each word was a new addiction and another reason to mimic the man behind the pen. After reading the column, I thought to myself, “I want to write like him.”
The he is Terry Woster. Before this particular column, to me, Terry was the guy who lived in the big red house that gave out great candy at Halloween and the guitarist in the church choir. I knew he was a writer, but my knowledge of his career ended there. To the rest of the state, he was one of the best political writers in the state, not to mention one of the best writers. He came from a family of talented writers and there aren’t many people in the state who don’t know the Wosters.
After the cross country column, I made it a habit to read Terry’s Life column each Sunday. He can arrange words so that they just fall right to your heart as if you were having a real face-to-face conversation with him. The column is Terry’s side bit. When it comes to covering the South Dakota state government, there really isn’t anyone better. He is the sole member of The Argus Leader’s Pierre bureau, but has been covering this state for decades for various newspapers. He has stories about each South Dakota politician and every big moment in the state’s history. Terry really has a story about everything.
It didn’t take long for this budding journalist to realize that Terry was a good reporter to look up to. He, my father and a couple of other local reporters were my true journalism inspirations. Not only could Terry write, he could report. He asks the tough questions and isn’t afraid to call the good guys out.
When I interned with the SDNA at the Legislature, I shared a newsroom with Terry. Watching him work was better training than any text book. He rarely wrote notes, but had his finger on almost every issue. He could quote almost any rock song from the 60s and usually fashioned a Beatles tie. He was fierce, but not intimidating. Never once did he shoo away a 21-year-old intern who was trying to get her arms around tax laws. Each day, Terry was motivation to be the best reporter that I could be. He was just that kind of journalist and that kind of person.
The afternoon of 2008 election, The Argus Leader informed Terry that he would be let go. After decades of serving the South Dakota public, Terry will close the bureau and say goodbye in December.
For those of us that know the newspaper business, this is another lost solider. Another dedicated, tenured, respected journalist, whose salary has become too big for suffering newspapers to handle. When Gannett told The Argus it needed to make a 10 percent cut, the biggest expenses had to go. Unfortunately, that happens to be the newspaper’s best reporter.
My boss called me about this today, and as a former newspaper woman married to a newspaper man, she was disgusted. “No one is immune,” she said. She told me that I made the best decision by getting out of the biz. She told me to tell my friend, who was sitting next to me at the time and a reporter for The Rapid City Journal, to get out. It’s not a safe business to be anymore. Each day great employees are being cut because of budgets, such as my former coworker at the ISJ. Or extremely talented reporters are leaving because the future is so dark and clouded.
From the moment I left ISJ, I wondered if I made the right decision leaving newspapers. Today, I realized that I did. My heart will always belong to newspapers, but my future wouldn’t survive.
It will be weird not to see Terry’s byline in The Argus anymore, especially with the next Legislative session just a few months away. My hope is that he writes a book. I don’t care the topic, I’ll buy copy. This is a tragic end to such a great career, but as he writes his final piece, I hope he knows how much he has touched his readers and the people around this state. No matter what career path I take, every time I think of Terry Woster I will think, “I want to write like him.”
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
The Chief
Less than four years ago, I was on a train from Paris to Rome. In our rail car was a young, well-educated man who was living in France, but an Italian citizen. He told us his life story and the political strife that forced him to France. At a lull in the conversation, he looked at us, four Americans, and said “How could your country vote George Bush into a second term?”
I was speechless. Struggling to find a convincing answer, we explained to him American’s voting patterns and the weak Democratic candidate in John Kerry. It was the first time I was truly disgraced to be an American.
In the long, long months leading up to this campaign, I’ve thought of that Italian man. I imagined him reading American newspapers and just hoping we could get it right this time. Tonight, I believe, that Italian man is happy to see American make the right choice.
Not everyone loves Barack Obama and I don’t believe in all of his policies. He isn’t perfect, but he is the right man for this job. With President Obama, America is going to soar. He is what American needs, more than anything. As he walked on to the stage at Grant Park, you could tell in his face that this is a man who loves this country more than anything and is truly grateful for this opportunity. That is the type of president America needs.
Obama is not always going to create policies and make decisions we agree with, but in four years, we will be a better country because of him. “Change has come to America.”
I was speechless. Struggling to find a convincing answer, we explained to him American’s voting patterns and the weak Democratic candidate in John Kerry. It was the first time I was truly disgraced to be an American.
In the long, long months leading up to this campaign, I’ve thought of that Italian man. I imagined him reading American newspapers and just hoping we could get it right this time. Tonight, I believe, that Italian man is happy to see American make the right choice.
Not everyone loves Barack Obama and I don’t believe in all of his policies. He isn’t perfect, but he is the right man for this job. With President Obama, America is going to soar. He is what American needs, more than anything. As he walked on to the stage at Grant Park, you could tell in his face that this is a man who loves this country more than anything and is truly grateful for this opportunity. That is the type of president America needs.
Obama is not always going to create policies and make decisions we agree with, but in four years, we will be a better country because of him. “Change has come to America.”
Happy Election Day
I know I said I was taking a break from the blog, but it's Election Day! Please remember to get out and vote today. Voice your opinion in this extremely historic election. Today, a person's race, gender, religion, class and sexuality do not matter. We all have the chance to be heard. As you can tell, I'm not shy about who I would like to see in the Oval office :)But, please just vote, it doesn't matter for who or if you check yes or no. Just do it.
God Bless America, and enjoy Election Day.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Hiatus
Hello readers,
I am taking a two-week break from my blog, not that I am a regular poster, to continue studying for the GRE. This test is pretty difficult and I need every second of studying, especially since the last time I did math was my freshman year of college. I hate taking a break from writing (I write many things that aren't posted on here), but this needs to be my primary focus. Once the GRE is over, I plan to revamp my blog, making it more focused with more updates. So, sorry about the break, but wish me luck. See you in two weeks.
I am taking a two-week break from my blog, not that I am a regular poster, to continue studying for the GRE. This test is pretty difficult and I need every second of studying, especially since the last time I did math was my freshman year of college. I hate taking a break from writing (I write many things that aren't posted on here), but this needs to be my primary focus. Once the GRE is over, I plan to revamp my blog, making it more focused with more updates. So, sorry about the break, but wish me luck. See you in two weeks.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
The Human Experience
Some once asked me what I am passionate and I told him, “People.” Tonight, I saw a film that adds to that passion.
The film, The Human Experience, is about the journey of two brothers and their search to find the meaning of a human life. The travel to remote parts of the world, interviewing people society rejects.
The Newman Center on campus sponsored a prescreening of the film. One of the main characters in the film and one of the producers also attended the screening to answer questions and collect feedback.
This filmed touched me in so many ways as evident by the number of tears I shed. As a 20-something trying to find her mark on this world, this filmed moved me to be a better person and to always remember the power of love. It makes me want to help people more and just to enjoy all the gifts God has given us, large or small.
I don’t buy movies, but I would buy this one. The group is currently working on distribution, and when they have it available on DVD, I plan to purchase a copy. I urge you all to check out the trailer and attend a screening if you get the chance. This movie will move you.
The film, The Human Experience, is about the journey of two brothers and their search to find the meaning of a human life. The travel to remote parts of the world, interviewing people society rejects.
The Newman Center on campus sponsored a prescreening of the film. One of the main characters in the film and one of the producers also attended the screening to answer questions and collect feedback.
This filmed touched me in so many ways as evident by the number of tears I shed. As a 20-something trying to find her mark on this world, this filmed moved me to be a better person and to always remember the power of love. It makes me want to help people more and just to enjoy all the gifts God has given us, large or small.
I don’t buy movies, but I would buy this one. The group is currently working on distribution, and when they have it available on DVD, I plan to purchase a copy. I urge you all to check out the trailer and attend a screening if you get the chance. This movie will move you.
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