Oh, 2008.
It’s hard to describe this past year in a word or two. It’s unfair to nail the year down to one defining characteristic, but if I must, it would be personal growth.
On this December, 31, 2008, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. My journey in self realization is far from over, but I covered a lot of ground in the last 12 months. Little things have changed, such as the music I listen to, the food I eat and the clothes I wear. Big things too, such as my outlook on life and the person that I want to be.
Tomorrow, 2009 will begin and new opportunities and new experiences will arrive. But before then, I feel that is only appropriate to take a look back at the year that was.
…..
When 2008 arrived, I was stuck in a corner of smoky Pocatello bar. I didn’t have a person to smooch at the stroke of midnight, but it didn’t matter at that moment. Jan.1 meant that I had only 14 more days to make life-changing decision. And each one of those 14 days was filled with pro and con lists, tears and constant analyzing. It will forever be one of the most challenging decision’s I’ve ever made.
Then Jan. 14 came and I had to make a phone call. I left Pocatello city limits on a highway taking me west, toward Boise, Idaho, when I called Sherry and gave her my answer.
You all know how the story goes. Two weeks later, I finished my job at the Idaho State Journal and packed everything I owned into a U-Haul, saying goodbye to some wonderful people and this new life I created for myself. All the dreams I had chased to Idaho vanished as I left Bannock County on I-15, coincidentally listening to Daughtry’s ‘Home’ on the radio.
For two days, I drove the U-Haul, pulling my car behind it, through the mountains in a blizzard. My stubborn independence refused any help in this situation. I was determined to do this all by myself, which I did, and will forever be a shining moment of my strength.
At first, it didn’t feel real. It felt like a normal visit to South Dakota, not a permanent stay. I started my job on Feb. 4 and it immediately felt right. My coworkers were welcoming and appreciative. The work was challenging, rewarding and fun. It was a good fit from the beginning.
Just a week after my new job started, I took a much needed vacation with friends to the Virgin Islands. The beach, mixed with tropical cocktails and familiar company, helped me focus on what had happed in the last month. Between the decision making, moving and starting a new job, I really needed a week-long vacation. I took a boat ride at sunset, fed a pig non-alcoholic beer and nearly lost my life to ferocious waves.
Back in Brookings, I settled into a familiar town as a different person. I made new friends and redefined friendships, letting some go and strengthening others. I took several mini-trips to visit friends in their new lives. Still, thoughts of failure loomed. Like a brokenhearted girl, I used to cry at night over Pocatello and my Idaho friends as if they were an ex-boyfriend.
The spring brought unusual amounts of snow and more confirmation that I was where I was supposed to be. At work, I lost myself in a project that proved my importance to the organization. And my friends never let me forget they were happy I was back.
Soon, I began thinking about the next step in my life. I was convinced that it was the Peace Corps. After a few months of teasing with the idea, I applied. A few more months and I was rejected, but not discouraged. I did cry the day my recruiter told me he couldn’t accept me at this point, but I later realized it wasn’t the step I was supposed to take.
In the summer, I drove 3,000-miles by myself to Idaho and Montana to visit friends. The solitary was enlightening and did quite a bit of thinking. Being with my Idaho friends reminded me how much I miss them in my South Dakota life, but still, in the back of my head I knew I still made the right decision. Just driving those same streets and visiting those same places, the move was right. I was afraid remorse would hit while I was in Idaho, but it didn’t. In Montana, I visited college friends and fell in love with the Big Sky state. We spent some time in Glacier National Park, camped under the stars and drank home-brewed beer in a yarn store. During that trip, I decided that I would move back West eventually, even if that mean west of the Missouri.
It was the year of weddings as I was invited to 12, and attended half of those. Since I began dating, this is the first year I’ve remained completely single the entire 12 months. Sure, there were a few crushes and a couple dates, but nothing aspired. And that is OK. I’ve finally realized how important being single is right now. In order to ever have a happy marriage, there are a few things I need to straighten out with myself and I want to do it now before another person is involved.
As the fall emerged, students began to repopulate the town and I found it harder to find an identity in this community/college town. To not be a student or to not have a family is the greatest struggle of surviving this town. Some days, it’s unbearable, but other’s I can kick butt. The struggle will never disappear but I can, and am, diminish its toll on my attitude.
Besides being closer to my friends and family, one wonderful thing about coming back to Brookings is SDSU football. It wasn’t always a wonderful season, but I did visit a Big 12 stadium (Jack Trice Stadium in Ames, Iowa) and witnessed history as the Jacks beat NDSU in the FargoDome with the help of quarterback Ryan Berry who came back from a concussion to throw a touchdown and a two-point conversion to win.
I also took in a bit of pro football as my family and I attended a Vikings/Packers game in the Metro Dome. I’m not a fan of either team, but who doesn’t love a good rivalry game? Plus, it my family hadn’t spent that much time together in years.
Winter brought yet more snow and some clarity. For months, I’d been planning to go back to school for counseling. With the help of a counselor, I realized my true dreams and aspirations are writing focused. What I really want to do with life still remains a mystery, but I want writing involved.
Here it is, the end of the year, and I look back at all of those experiences feeling very blessed. The job I came home for has been more rewarding than I could’ve ever imagined. I work a second job writing sports for the local newspaper, teach religious education at my church and volunteer at the domestic abuse shelter in town. My family is healthy and close by. My friends continue to bring the best out of me and I have good friends in all parts of the world to visit. I’m healthy, fed, sheltered and happy.
2008 was indeed a good year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Resolutions
Tomorrow, people all over the world will make list of resolutions for 2009. I’m just as guilty as many of not sticking to those goals. So, with just a few hours left in 2008, I thought I would look at the ones I did accomplish.
- Become a Vegetarian I resolved to not eat meat for an entire year, but didn’t know what exactly being a vegetarian meant. Well, not only did I not consume any meat products, I found strength in this self-control lifestyle. I plan on staying a vegetarian in 2009.
- Only let people into my life that prove they deserve to be there I did do that with one person in particular. She was not good for my growth and only made me feel bad about myself. She is still a part of my life, but in a limited role. That was a really hard resolution, but one I hope to continue in the next year.
- Write more The stress of being a full-time reporter put a strain on my relationship with writing. However, I have found new hope in writing and try to write as much as I can. I have a part-time job at a newspaper and try to blog when I get the chance. But, I know write for me more than I’ve ever have. I get lost in my words and my stories. I’m more passionate about writing than I’ve ever been.
- Read more I’ve finished more books this past year than I did in my four years of colleges. I even have a preferred genre: memoirs.
- Take up yoga I didn’t do this as much as I wanted to because of my work schedule, but I did go to yoga once a week for most of the summer. I am switching gyms this year and hope to go more regularly.
- Take more weekend trips I did a lot of this in the last 12 months, mostly to visit friends. It’s so nice just to get a way without spending a fortune to do so.
- Recycle more I have recycling bins in my apartment and make any waste that can go there does.
- Volunteer I teach at my church and spend Thursday nights at the domestic abuse shelter, so I think I accomplished this one
Sure, there are others I wish I had accomplished, but I am really proud of these. Look back tomorrow to see my resolutions for 2009.
- Become a Vegetarian I resolved to not eat meat for an entire year, but didn’t know what exactly being a vegetarian meant. Well, not only did I not consume any meat products, I found strength in this self-control lifestyle. I plan on staying a vegetarian in 2009.
- Only let people into my life that prove they deserve to be there I did do that with one person in particular. She was not good for my growth and only made me feel bad about myself. She is still a part of my life, but in a limited role. That was a really hard resolution, but one I hope to continue in the next year.
- Write more The stress of being a full-time reporter put a strain on my relationship with writing. However, I have found new hope in writing and try to write as much as I can. I have a part-time job at a newspaper and try to blog when I get the chance. But, I know write for me more than I’ve ever have. I get lost in my words and my stories. I’m more passionate about writing than I’ve ever been.
- Read more I’ve finished more books this past year than I did in my four years of colleges. I even have a preferred genre: memoirs.
- Take up yoga I didn’t do this as much as I wanted to because of my work schedule, but I did go to yoga once a week for most of the summer. I am switching gyms this year and hope to go more regularly.
- Take more weekend trips I did a lot of this in the last 12 months, mostly to visit friends. It’s so nice just to get a way without spending a fortune to do so.
- Recycle more I have recycling bins in my apartment and make any waste that can go there does.
- Volunteer I teach at my church and spend Thursday nights at the domestic abuse shelter, so I think I accomplished this one
Sure, there are others I wish I had accomplished, but I am really proud of these. Look back tomorrow to see my resolutions for 2009.
The best of 2008
Here are my favorite headlines and newsmakers of 2008:
The Best parts of 2008 in my humble opinion:
1. Americans taking a chance on change and voting a black man into the American Presidency.
2. The All-American boy next door defining what it means to be a true Olympian.
3. SDSU breaking a 60-year long record and earning a win the FargoDome.
4. Young people around the nation realizing the power of voting.
5. The barriers one Republican and one Democratic woman broke in order to one day have a female in the oval office.
6. The idea that we need to take care of this Earth becoming more of a way of life than a fad.
7. Bicycles becoming more of a preferred mode of transportation.
8. The rest of the world finally looking at America in a better light after the outcome Nov. 4, 2008.
9. A country marked by criticism, control and despair proving to the world that it can be the ultimate host to the ultimate athletic contest.
10. People from all walks of life and race uniting for two weeks in August for the sake of humanity.
The Best parts of 2008 in my humble opinion:
1. Americans taking a chance on change and voting a black man into the American Presidency.
2. The All-American boy next door defining what it means to be a true Olympian.
3. SDSU breaking a 60-year long record and earning a win the FargoDome.
4. Young people around the nation realizing the power of voting.
5. The barriers one Republican and one Democratic woman broke in order to one day have a female in the oval office.
6. The idea that we need to take care of this Earth becoming more of a way of life than a fad.
7. Bicycles becoming more of a preferred mode of transportation.
8. The rest of the world finally looking at America in a better light after the outcome Nov. 4, 2008.
9. A country marked by criticism, control and despair proving to the world that it can be the ultimate host to the ultimate athletic contest.
10. People from all walks of life and race uniting for two weeks in August for the sake of humanity.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Not my time
A few weeks ago, I found the man of my dreams.
His name is John Favreau and he is the 27-year-old mastermind behind all of Barack Obama’s speeches. He is the one who pieces each magical word, each captivating phrase that the President Elect says.
Despite his Washington good looks, I was drawn to Favreau because of his writing. He has spent so much time listening to Obama and picking up on his lingo that Favreau can actually write speeches the way Obama naturally speaks. That talent is attractive.
Like many of my celebrity crushes (Michael Phelps, Josh Hartnett), I’ll never marry Favreau or probably even meet him. But what makes me sadder is that I am not sure I’ll ever find a job that I am that good at. And I’ll probably never be that successful.
I sent an article about Favreau to a friend of mine, who I could see actually being a speech writer for a president someday. He called me a few days later and we were discussing Favreau.
That day had been a particular hard one for me. I felt as if everyone around me was moving on to wonderful, spectacular things and I was just staying still. I wasn’t doing anything meaningful or beautiful. I wrote this feeling to my friend in an email:
Do you ever feel like you are standing still and everyone else around you is moving on to great and better things? You want to get out of the rut, but it just seems like the walls are too high and life refuses to lend you any support. All you can do is stay where you are and watch everyone else accomplish their dreams.
Whatever point of misery that is, I am there.
He decided a response should be made by the phone so he called me later that day. He knows how I feel, he’s been there.
“It’s not your time, Heather.”
He brought up Favreau and how it’s somewhat painful to see someone similar to our age winning the race and we can’t get past the starting line. But what we need to realize, he said, is that this is his time to blossom and that doesn’t have anything to do with us. We just haven’t blossomed yet.
I guess haven’t blossomed yet, and that is a bittersweet feeling. I feel like I should have, that I should already be out conquering the world. But I know that right know I am figuring myself out, recognizing my good and bad qualities and that is painful.
Sometimes, I feel that I wasn’t ready to move to Idaho. That I was too unexperienced and naïve. I know that that isn’t true because I wouldn’t have gone if that was the case. I learned a lot of my from experience out there and it played a part in the person I am. Plus, I would never exchange those few months and those friendships for anything else in this world.
Being back in Brookings has been a sobering time in my life. I have really depicted each part of my life and have had to look at my fears and dysfunctions straight in the face. And that is incredibly painful. I’ve had to work through a lot of insecurities, and I am still not done.
In the end, I am only producing a better version of myself. Each day, I try to figure out a path. My mind runs constantly, rethinking decisions and options and it can be exhausting.
Yet, what keeps me going each day is knowing that my time hasn’t come. And when it does, it will be out of this world.
His name is John Favreau and he is the 27-year-old mastermind behind all of Barack Obama’s speeches. He is the one who pieces each magical word, each captivating phrase that the President Elect says.
Despite his Washington good looks, I was drawn to Favreau because of his writing. He has spent so much time listening to Obama and picking up on his lingo that Favreau can actually write speeches the way Obama naturally speaks. That talent is attractive.
Like many of my celebrity crushes (Michael Phelps, Josh Hartnett), I’ll never marry Favreau or probably even meet him. But what makes me sadder is that I am not sure I’ll ever find a job that I am that good at. And I’ll probably never be that successful.
I sent an article about Favreau to a friend of mine, who I could see actually being a speech writer for a president someday. He called me a few days later and we were discussing Favreau.
That day had been a particular hard one for me. I felt as if everyone around me was moving on to wonderful, spectacular things and I was just staying still. I wasn’t doing anything meaningful or beautiful. I wrote this feeling to my friend in an email:
Do you ever feel like you are standing still and everyone else around you is moving on to great and better things? You want to get out of the rut, but it just seems like the walls are too high and life refuses to lend you any support. All you can do is stay where you are and watch everyone else accomplish their dreams.
Whatever point of misery that is, I am there.
He decided a response should be made by the phone so he called me later that day. He knows how I feel, he’s been there.
“It’s not your time, Heather.”
He brought up Favreau and how it’s somewhat painful to see someone similar to our age winning the race and we can’t get past the starting line. But what we need to realize, he said, is that this is his time to blossom and that doesn’t have anything to do with us. We just haven’t blossomed yet.
I guess haven’t blossomed yet, and that is a bittersweet feeling. I feel like I should have, that I should already be out conquering the world. But I know that right know I am figuring myself out, recognizing my good and bad qualities and that is painful.
Sometimes, I feel that I wasn’t ready to move to Idaho. That I was too unexperienced and naïve. I know that that isn’t true because I wouldn’t have gone if that was the case. I learned a lot of my from experience out there and it played a part in the person I am. Plus, I would never exchange those few months and those friendships for anything else in this world.
Being back in Brookings has been a sobering time in my life. I have really depicted each part of my life and have had to look at my fears and dysfunctions straight in the face. And that is incredibly painful. I’ve had to work through a lot of insecurities, and I am still not done.
In the end, I am only producing a better version of myself. Each day, I try to figure out a path. My mind runs constantly, rethinking decisions and options and it can be exhausting.
Yet, what keeps me going each day is knowing that my time hasn’t come. And when it does, it will be out of this world.
It's been a while ...
Hello darlings,
I've received a few reminders that my blog is long overdue for an update. Life has been insanely busy leading up to the holidays. With two jobs, two volunteer projects and an active social life, my writing time was limited. Dedication to this blog took a big hit when I received a feature assignment from the Register. The piece - about a 14-year-old boy who has had a stroke and cancer and now only operates half a kidney but still decided to go out for the wrestling team - ended up costing me 15 hours of writing time. The two-part series turned out just as I hoped so the stress and time was worth it. And, most importantly, his family loved it.
Anyway, the piece is over and I can return to my blog. I know I always say this, but I will really try to be better about updating on a consistent basis. The next posts will mostly be thoughts about what I've been feeling the last couple of weeks and comments of the year that was and the year that will be now.
Thanks for checking in and harassing me about my outdated blog. I appreciate that more than you'll ever know.
With love,
Heather
I've received a few reminders that my blog is long overdue for an update. Life has been insanely busy leading up to the holidays. With two jobs, two volunteer projects and an active social life, my writing time was limited. Dedication to this blog took a big hit when I received a feature assignment from the Register. The piece - about a 14-year-old boy who has had a stroke and cancer and now only operates half a kidney but still decided to go out for the wrestling team - ended up costing me 15 hours of writing time. The two-part series turned out just as I hoped so the stress and time was worth it. And, most importantly, his family loved it.
Anyway, the piece is over and I can return to my blog. I know I always say this, but I will really try to be better about updating on a consistent basis. The next posts will mostly be thoughts about what I've been feeling the last couple of weeks and comments of the year that was and the year that will be now.
Thanks for checking in and harassing me about my outdated blog. I appreciate that more than you'll ever know.
With love,
Heather
Monday, December 01, 2008
Quarterlife
Three years ago, I was asked to write a column to fill some space in The Collegian. Only because a recent email sparked an idea, I agreed. In a short time, I hammered out a piece about quarter-life crises.
Three years later, the column still resonates with my attitude toward life. If I wrote a similar column today, it would probably be a bit more eloquent and descriptive but would have a similar message. Last year, David Brooks of the New York Times wrote a column supporting my life theories. ”Quarterlife”, a TV show spun from a website, aired last year and just today I found several books on this very topic.
As I stand trying to find meaning and hope in each new day, I realize I’m not alone in this storm of emotion. Not only do writers find this worthy of books and columns, I see my own friends struggle with the same questions and what-ifs I do. There is so much reassuring beauty in knowing that we all in this together.
Some days, this so-called life crisis can shatter me, bring me to my knees and tears to my eyes. Yet, it’s a beautiful mess that I am happy to go through. There is so much to discover and I am glad I get the chance to explore. To find yourself, to find your path is probably the greatest journey we as humans can experience. The bumps along the way bring strength and the jumped hurdles bring faith, things needed to make it to the end of life with a smile.
When my stay on Earth is over, I have a feeling I’ll look back on my 20s and smile, thanking God for allowing me to be a wander.
Three years later, I am still going through a crisis. Happily, of course.
Growing up difficult
Quarter-life crisis? You are not alone
By: Heather Mangan
Posted: 11/29/05
I am having a crisis.
A quarter-life crisis to be exact. And I know I'm not the only 20-something college student that feels this way.
It's like a mid-life crisis, but it comes earlier. You don't know when it will hit, or how long it will last. Symptoms of the quarter-life crisis vary, but the most common are:
-Being unaware of who you are or what you believe in.
-Not knowing where you will be in a year.
-Realizing that not everyone is a nice person.
-Being scared of the future.
-Realizing the people who you thought were friends, really aren't.
-Realizing that the simplest decisions are getting harder to make.
-Looking at life completely differently.
-Realizing that some of your dreams and/or goals may not come true.
-Realizing that people back at home don't care what you have been up to for the last four years.
-Laying awake at night wondering, analyzing your life.
-Wondering if you will ever find The One.
-Realizing that you probably won't be making $100,000, or even $40,000 your first year out of college.
-Realizing that although those refund checks are nice, you'll have to pay them back someday.
-Realizing that it really isn't exciting to get drunk three to four times a week.
-Realizing that wearing a little makeup and some flashy clothes isn't going to find you a spouse any quicker.
-Realizing there is more to life than MSN and facebook.com.
-Realizing life isn't like the movies.
-Realizing that random hookups and one nights stands aren't that great after all.
-Realizing your past is past.
-Realizing this is the only chance you get.
-Realizing that you parents were right.
These are hard feelings to deal with, and sometimes it seems like they will never pass. But like your first heartbreak, or the skinned knee you got from falling off your bike, this too will pass. Before long, life will seem good again, and you will be on the right track.
Just remember that you aren't the only one who feels like this. Your friends and classmates have the same mixed emotions and feelings. So when someone may be short or irritated, they are probably just confused with life.
We are all trying to work through this, making decisions and mistakes. They say these are the best years of our lives, although they may seem like the worst. Enjoy being young and at your prime. Live today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Life is too short to worry it away.
© Copyright 2008 SDSU Collegian
Three years later, the column still resonates with my attitude toward life. If I wrote a similar column today, it would probably be a bit more eloquent and descriptive but would have a similar message. Last year, David Brooks of the New York Times wrote a column supporting my life theories. ”Quarterlife”, a TV show spun from a website, aired last year and just today I found several books on this very topic.
As I stand trying to find meaning and hope in each new day, I realize I’m not alone in this storm of emotion. Not only do writers find this worthy of books and columns, I see my own friends struggle with the same questions and what-ifs I do. There is so much reassuring beauty in knowing that we all in this together.
Some days, this so-called life crisis can shatter me, bring me to my knees and tears to my eyes. Yet, it’s a beautiful mess that I am happy to go through. There is so much to discover and I am glad I get the chance to explore. To find yourself, to find your path is probably the greatest journey we as humans can experience. The bumps along the way bring strength and the jumped hurdles bring faith, things needed to make it to the end of life with a smile.
When my stay on Earth is over, I have a feeling I’ll look back on my 20s and smile, thanking God for allowing me to be a wander.
Three years later, I am still going through a crisis. Happily, of course.
Growing up difficult
Quarter-life crisis? You are not alone
By: Heather Mangan
Posted: 11/29/05
I am having a crisis.
A quarter-life crisis to be exact. And I know I'm not the only 20-something college student that feels this way.
It's like a mid-life crisis, but it comes earlier. You don't know when it will hit, or how long it will last. Symptoms of the quarter-life crisis vary, but the most common are:
-Being unaware of who you are or what you believe in.
-Not knowing where you will be in a year.
-Realizing that not everyone is a nice person.
-Being scared of the future.
-Realizing the people who you thought were friends, really aren't.
-Realizing that the simplest decisions are getting harder to make.
-Looking at life completely differently.
-Realizing that some of your dreams and/or goals may not come true.
-Realizing that people back at home don't care what you have been up to for the last four years.
-Laying awake at night wondering, analyzing your life.
-Wondering if you will ever find The One.
-Realizing that you probably won't be making $100,000, or even $40,000 your first year out of college.
-Realizing that although those refund checks are nice, you'll have to pay them back someday.
-Realizing that it really isn't exciting to get drunk three to four times a week.
-Realizing that wearing a little makeup and some flashy clothes isn't going to find you a spouse any quicker.
-Realizing there is more to life than MSN and facebook.com.
-Realizing life isn't like the movies.
-Realizing that random hookups and one nights stands aren't that great after all.
-Realizing your past is past.
-Realizing this is the only chance you get.
-Realizing that you parents were right.
These are hard feelings to deal with, and sometimes it seems like they will never pass. But like your first heartbreak, or the skinned knee you got from falling off your bike, this too will pass. Before long, life will seem good again, and you will be on the right track.
Just remember that you aren't the only one who feels like this. Your friends and classmates have the same mixed emotions and feelings. So when someone may be short or irritated, they are probably just confused with life.
We are all trying to work through this, making decisions and mistakes. They say these are the best years of our lives, although they may seem like the worst. Enjoy being young and at your prime. Live today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Life is too short to worry it away.
© Copyright 2008 SDSU Collegian
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