Finally, the UPDATE!

Yes, I know that this post is grossly overdue, but I am now writing it and that's at least something. With the exception of Saturday's unorganized depiction of my love life, it's been a good two months since my last post. So here is, hopefully, a quick update of the move and my new life.

When I last left you, I was getting ready to say goodbye to some great people and make a very difficult journey. The excruciating goodbyes got lost in stress and fear of driving a UHaul, pulling my car, through the mountains in February. After two and half days of white-knuckle driving, I finally crossed the state line only to be met with a billboard that said "Welcome to South Dakota. Watch out for Jackrabbits." Of course, the text was accompanied by a picture of the Campanile. That sign was the Christening of my new life.

The next few days were a whirled mix of unpacking and catching up with friends. I probably told the story of why I was back in Brookings about 50 times that first week, but as I ended the tale, most just looked at me, smiled and said "Well, we are glad to have you back."

Three days after I arrived in Brookings, I started my new job. It was a bit overwhelming. I didn't just jump in, I did a cannon ball into piles of projects that sat lonely on Sherry's desk until I could come and put a shiny red bow and "Finished” label on them. But from the first day, I knew I was going to like the people there and that this is going to be an adventure.

Most nights after work, I went out to dinner or drinks or a movie with friends. I played a lot of catching up, but I had no problems with this busting social life. In fact, I was giddy to have something to do every night.

Those first two weeks were a string of lunches, new projects, unsettling feelings and internal battles until I left for the Virgin Islands. I booked the tickets to visit a friend who moved there in October before I was even offered the job in South Dakota, but my boss knew I was taking this trip regardless. When the time actually came to leave, she was glad that I could go. She said, and I agreed, that I needed a few days in the sun after the last two months of emotional stress and the physical and mental drain of moving.

I arrived on the island of St. Croix where Elissa and Brandon were waiting for me. That night we picked up Val and Murph and then Jim and Nikki the next day. We spent the week drinking anything with rum, visiting various beaches and trying new food. I took the time to do a bit of writing and lots of reading. Since I am really into memoirs lately, I bought "I hope they Serve Beer in Hell," by Tucker Max and "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Two completely different books, but both authors made a deep impact on the type of writing and living I want to do.

We did a few touristy things like sail at sunset, tour the Cruzan Rum Factory and feed beer to the island's famous drinking pigs. We also hiked through the rain forest to see the tide pools. Now, that day was my favorite and worse. I almost died that day, but I am going to save that story for another post. Not to sound too cliché, but I really live different now. Maybe it was my near brush with death or maybe I just have grown up. But, as I said before, you'll read that story later on.

I came back seven days later feeling fresh and relaxed and looking pretty hot with a nice golden tan. Getting back in the swing of things wasn't too bad because I had a lot to do. I finally unpacked my apartment and now feel more settled.

Not long after I got back, I went to Omaha to see "Mamma Mia" with Kelli. That was a fun treat and good excuse to get out of Brookings. I went home for Easter, which was also nice, and this weekend I am going up north to hang out with J-Fug. SO, I am trying to take mini trips as much as I can.

I still have a very active social life, which makes me happy. I do go to basketball games and plays but I try really hard not to fall too much into the student life.

Other than that, I have just been working a lot and just living my life to try and figure out what comes after this. To make this easier for all the two people that read this blog, I thought I would answer some of the frequently asked questions that I get. Hope you all enjoy!

FAQs

How do you life your new job and do you miss reporting?
I love my new job. I love being challenged in a different way and I love the different projects I work on. I enjoy being a part of something that is making it easier for students to attend a quality school. The people I work with are amazing and make work really fun. Plus, I pretty much have the best boss ever! I do miss reporting, but the politics at the Journal are not something I long for. To keep my love for writing, I have been writing short pieces when the feeling moves me. I am also currently searching freelance work. Hopefully, something good will come out of that.

How do you like being back in Brookings?
I have mixed feelings about this. Some days, I do feel like a failure because I am not out in New York or something living the dream. I did leave Brookings but now I am back and that makes me lame. Other days, it's wonderful to see familiar faces wherever I go and know that my family is only 200 miles west. So being back has ups and downs, but I know that this isn't a permanent location for me. It's just between point A and point B.

Have you seen Scott since you moved back and are you guys going to get back together?
Um, no. I tried to get Scott just to meet with me to talk about us living in the same town and whether we could be friends. Instead, we ended up fighting through text messages and that was it. I figured I would run into him since we live on the same street, about eight blocks from each other. I did see him twice, but we both pretended not to see each other. Oh well. I am really happy now, and I think he is too.

Are you seeing someone then?
Well, if you read my last post you would know that the answer is no. And that is OK. I am happy where I am at.

So what are you going to do after this job?
I have no idea. Going back to school is a pretty likely option. For about three years I have talked about getting my masters in counseling. I should probably act on that.

Do you feel that moving back was the right decision?
Yes, because I trust that it was the right decision. God brought me back for a reason, so I am just living out the plan.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Yesterday I ran into an old friend who was in town for a sin-ingested day called Pub Crawl. It had been months since we last talked and both of our lives had undergone some big changes. So we found a table in a crowded bar and casually discussed the current status of our lives.

He is happily engaged and working a job that he really likes. I told him about my new job and the big move back. He asked if still had my "boy toy" (I am sure he couldn't remember his name.) Not wanting to get into too much detail I told him that we were no longer together and broke up in October. We continued discussing things and he abruptly said "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" I just laughed, but he asked again, "No, seriously, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend."

This question plagued me a bit because he isn't the only person to ask me this recently. So why don't I have a boyfriend?

It’s not that I don’t want one, believe me. So what is it?

My last relationship ended about five months ago, and I have only kissed one man since him (If you must know, he was a charming man I met in Boise who was utterly fascinated with me and nearly heartbroken when I told him I was moving to South Dakota). Many people actually thought that when I moved back, Scott and I would give it another try. I never saw that as an option because it just didn't work out for us. We are not on talking terms, but I don't hate him anymore. In fact, even when he took a shot at me on my friend's facebook wall, I felt sorry for him. I am OK with seeing him now, but I don't know if he is. Anyway, pining for an ex-lover is not the reason why I am single.

I guess I am single because my last relationship proved to me that I need to grow in several ways before I can actually be with someone.

My biggest problem in relationships is trust. I have upsetted, and hurt, boyfriends when I question whether or not they love me. When they say it, I have a hard time believing that someone could actually love me. I even give them excuses to love me, such as "He only loves me because he thinks no one else will love him" or "Most girls reject his advances and I was the only stupid one to give in." I never realized how much of insult that is to him and to myself.

So lately I started wondering why don't I trust them? Then I realized it's not just boyfriends I don't trust. It's my friends. I have this irrational fear that if someone hasn't called me in a while it probably means that I did something to piss them off and they really don't want to be friends with me. Or that my friends only hang out with me because they feel sorry for me or don't have anyone else to hang out with.

Then I realized I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make good decisions and to stand up and do what is right. Even more, I don't trust God and that he will really take care of me.

This is where you sigh and say, "Yup, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Oh, but it gets worse. I realized today that I so afraid of getting hurt that I just close guys off. When a guy hits on me, I automatically think he is only using me to get in my pants so I close him off. Actually, I get a snobby and bitchy, both highly attractive qualities let me tell you. I immediately write guys off as man whores when all they may want is to just say hi.

Today, I was discussing with friends how superficial love is. I explained to them how upset I was when I finished "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book was an enthralling tale of one woman's rise from depression, loneliness and self destruction through a pleasure-engaging and spiritual journey. It was so refreshing to see a woman find her self and happiness through pasta and prayer, until the end of the book when she falls in love with a Brazilian man. It infuriated me that she just had to fall in love. Why couldn't she just find herself and be happy with that? It continually proves to women that in order to be ultimately happy they have to have love. I felt that when the author fell in love she lost all credibility about empowering herself to be a better version of herself.

So, as I was explaining these frustrations to my friend, he stopped and said "What's so wrong with being in love, Heather?"

"Well, nothing, I am just tired of everyone believing that happiness has to come through love?"

"But happiness does come through love."

"Sure, but not all happiness."

"So why do you hate love?"

I guess I don't hate love as much as I envy those who hate. Being love is a great feeling but to me I need to love myself before I can fully love someone else to the degree they deserve. I want to give someone my all, but I need to give myself my all before I can do that to someone else.

The best way to do that is give myself things I want. The other day I spoiled myself in a way that I've never had. I got up, went to yoga, went running, wrote a bit, cooked myself an amazingly tasty meal, drank a few glasses of wine that led to a few bottles and enjoyed the company of new and old friends at my quaint apartment. It was a Heather Day.

I wasn't trying to impress someone else or make someone else happy. I was making myself happy, something I have never really done. Often, in relationships I sacrifice my happiness to make the other person happy. I will spend my hard earned money on them. I will give them any free time I have. I redirect the love I have myself toward them. I was think that if they are happy then I will be happy.

That is a stupid way to live. I know now that to love someone truly, I must love myself. That sound cliché, and it is, but it's so very true.

At this point in my life, I am learning to love and trust myself. I do that by doing things that make me happy. I eat what I want. I hang out with who I want. I wear what I want. I say what I want. I am just trying to be the best Heather Mangan I can and accepting myself just the way I am.

Also, I am learning to trust in other aspects of my life. When a friend doesn't immediately call me back, I try to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything and not to panic. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but my insecurities don't disrupt my life like they used to. I also tell myself that there is nothing wrong with staying home on a Friday or Saturday night. It's really OK.

So I guess the best way to answer the "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" question is that I am working on my self development. I guess another reason is that I haven't met anyone I am willing to pursue.

Sure, I have met a few great guys lately, but there hasn't been a connection. Too many times I have talked myself into a relationship or staying in one. No more. It shouldn't be that much work. I shouldn't have to convince myself that this is a good idea. It should be.

For now, I am just gonna work on being the best me and waiting for the right time. I know that when I am ready, I am going to have let my guard down when it comes to guys, but for now I am just going to make myself happy.

As a wonderful friend once said, "I guess if I am not finding the right guy now, that's God telling me I need to be the right girl."


**** I know I haven't posted since my move back, and I plan to soon, I just needed to get these thoughts out. So expect an update of my life shortly.****

Saying goodbye

When I moved to Idaho, I knew there were good people here. But I never imagined they would change my life the way they did.

I remember being at a bar this summer, and thinking that these people are not my South Dakota friends and they never will be. My friends at home will always be on a pedestal, and these people will never make it there. I can't believe I was so closed minded.

Soon, though they got a hold me, and I began to forget about how much I missed home. I still missed home and Idaho wasn't home, but the people here made each day a blessing.

It didn't start out like this. I felt alone for a really long time and start to get a bit closer to a few people here, but they were still just coworkers. Then Kate came.

Kate moved here from Missouri with her fiancé. At first, I figured she would just be another engaged girl. The ones that stay at home with their soon-to-be husbands and would maybe get out once and a while to do something else. We really didn't talk or hangout for a long time, then one day, she added me to facebook. We decided to have coffee and then things kind of snowballed from there.

Kate is the friend I've always wanted. She understands me in a way no one else does and she never puts other friends above me. She had the same feelings and thoughts I did, and we always had fun together. She is someone I always want to call a friend.

Saying goodbye to her will be the hardest thing about leaving Idaho. I am not sure when I will see her again or how much we'll talk now, and breaks my heart. In six months, she's been a better friend to me and touched my heart in ways that friends I've had for 15 years haven't.

She'll be the hardest to say goodbye to, but she won't be the only one. Dan is another Idaho blessing. He was there when I wrote my first big story and he was there to listen when I broke up with my boyfriend. I love joking with Dan and he is one of the best people I've ever met. He is genuine and sweet and doesn't care what others think about him.

Dan has hopes to move back to Minnesota, and I really hope he does because I would love to visit him. He might end up in Washington for a few years because his girlfriend lives there, but I have a feeling I am gonna meet Dan somewhere else in life.

Cy was someone I didn't expect to get attached to. I guess from past experiences, I am leery of my friends boyfriends, fiancées, husbands. I never get a long with them, and when Kate introduced me to Cy, I kinda figured the same would be true. I couldn't have been more wrong. Cy is such a loving and warm person. He is funny and smart and he makes me feel welcome. He is not just my friend's husband, he is my friend. I am really going to miss just talking to him.

Then there is Joe. I didn't know what to make of him at first, but in the last few months, I've really enjoyed his company. He is a passionate person and a lot of fun to be around. I love joking with him, and he is probably one of the most talented photographers I've ever known. He is going places. Plus, he is dating Joelene who I absolutely adore.

My friendship with Kellis was also unexpected. We are two different people, and other people I've met like him really don't care for me. But that is just Kellis on the outside. Deep down, he is a really great guy who is amazingly talented. He is a lot of fun to joke around with and I am gonna miss his antics. His fiancée lives in Omaha and he said that sometime we'll have to meet up there. Once him and Stacy get married in August, they'll probably settle somewhere in the Midwest, so he is another I plan on running into somewhere down the line.

There is also Tim and John, who were amazing editors. They both showed me a lot and welcomed me so much. My experience here would have been way different with out them.

When I left South Dakota, my friends threw me a surprise going away party and I always thought that only true friends would do that. Well, last night, Dan, Kate and Cy threw me a party. True friends indeed.

As my days with get fewer, I can't help but think how these people have managed to touch my lives so much in such a little time. I don't want to think about saying goodbye because I know it's going to hurt.

There are a few things that ease the pain. Almost all of them are in serious relationships or are married. They are on different paths than me who still needs more time to wander before meeting Mr. Right. Also, these people are sad to see me leave, but they are happy for me because they know I am following my heart. Those are true friends.

And the last thing that makes leaving them so bearable is the number of people back home who tell me they can't wait to have me back. I don't understand why God blessed me so much, but I am sure glad He did.

I am going to miss the Faces of Idaho, but God brought these people into my life for such a short time for a certain reason. I just need to trust that He'll continue to bring just as good friends into my life.

As I say goodbye to new friends, I will say hello to old and new ones. I will never forget the people here, never. They have changed my life in so many ways and I will never forget that. I am not sure how well we'll stay in contact but I hope to visit Poky this summer and they'll visit me sometime. Till then, I guess it's up to text messaging and facebook.

Letting go of a love

Months ago, I posted a blog about being a good kind of scared with the new life I was about to embrace. And now, 8 months later, I am unexpectedly in the same spot.

In a week, I will start a new job. In three days, I will haul all of my belongings 1800 miles east. In two days, I am going to have to say goodbye to some of the best people I ever met. As to be expected, I am a mess of emotions.

Friday was my last day at the Journal. It was a really weird day. I cried at my desk about 10 minutes after I arrived because of an email my mom sent me, and then I began a long string of lasts. My last morning meeting, my last afternoon meeting, my last story, my last lunch with my coworkers, my last story, my last edit. This might not seem like significant moments to most people, but it is to me.

I am leaving journalism, and that is a scary, exciting thing. Journalism is all I ever known, and I was the girl who knew when she was 17 what she wanted to major in and what she wanted to be. I was the girl who was going to conquer newspapers, and my professors and classmates always told me I was the only one who was going to stick with it. People have always told me I am good at it and they enjoy reading my things. Those are days when journalism is a good thing for me.

The good days come when I can write a heart warming story that brings a tear to a reader's eye or when a woman calls saying my story has moved her so much that she is speechless. They come when a young boy said he reads my stuff all the time because he wants to be a journalist or when administrators realize they are wrong by the things I wrote. They come when I get to tell stories of remarkable people. I can't help but sob when I think of how much I am gonna miss those stories.

But then there are days when I can't do it anymore. They come when my editor tears a part my story because of small errors or I make mistakes on major things like names or quotes. Or when I have to ask tough questions and put people on the spot. They come when I have to write something I really don't want to write because I know it will make someone angry. It's the days I work 12 hours but know I am only getting paid for eight. That's when I realize I am not cutout for this business.

I am terrified because I am leaving the one thing I've always known. I am letting go of dreams to work for the New York Times and win a Pulitzer. I am treading in unknown territory and I am petrified.

I am crossing over to what journalists call "the dark side" -- PR. That's a hard pill to swallow, but I need to try this. I need to try something else.

Working for a non-profit is something I've always wanted to do, and now I get to help raise money for a university that I love. Sometimes I am not sure if I can handle this, but who knows, maybe I will be a PR rock star. I just know that I can't willing go back to school if I didn't try this part of communications.

There are benefits of leaving journalism. I will get better hours and more of a normal lifestyle. And I will get the chance to be more involved in politics and interest groups, something I really want to do. But I won't get to experience nearly as much as I did with journalism and I won't get to meet nearly as many fascinating people. Again, I need to try this. I just want to go to work everyday and say that I love my job, and right now, I can’t say that.

My goal is to keep writing. I would like to do some freelance for a magazine or specialty pub. And there's always the goal I have to write a book. Whatever I do in life, I still want to write.

I've had a love/hate with journalism for a long time and doubted if being a reporter is my true destiny. It's not outside of my nature to doubt things. I've doubted boyfriends and friendships. But there is an old saying that if you love something you should set it free, and if it comes back, then it was meant to be.

So, journalism, I am setting you free. If you are my true love, we'll find a way to be together again. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and I will find something that makes me truly happy.

Following my heart

Following your heart is supposed to be easy, or so it seems. But really trusting your heart and surrendering your rationale is scary. Yet, once you do it, everything seems right and you know that you will be truely happy.

In May, I followed a few dreams to Pocatello, Idaho. I wanted to be a big time sports reporter and move away from South Dakota without looking back. Well, once I got here I realized those dreams were just stepping stones to finding out what I really wanted in life.

Eventually, I realized sports just wasn’t for me. I found out that I was passionate about other things and would rather tell other stories. It's funny, because I met a few reporters this past week who got out of sports for the same reason. So, in November, I switched to the news desk where I covered city government then the Idaho Legislature. Things really started to click for me.

After a few changes in my personal life this fall, I was able to embrace Idaho with a different attitude and I began to really fall for it. Sure, the pay was still low and the hours were still long, but there was something so calming about this new life outside of work. I was trying new things, developed a solid group of friends and had found some real happiness in Idaho. Then I went home for Christmas, and everything changed.

A few months back, I applied for a job with the SDSU Alumni Association mostly out of frustration. I knew the job opening existed, but always found excuses not to apply for it. After a typical hectic day at the Journal, I filled out my app. I forgot about it for a while until I got an email about a phone interview which led to a request for an in-person interview. I set something up for when I was going to be home for Christmas, but again, forgot about it.

The night I was to fly back to South Dakota, my friend Dan asked me if I was going to take the Alumni job if I got it. I told him that I was really liking Idaho so I didn't think so.

Well, a few days later, I went into the interview and things went alright. I wasn't sold on the job just yet, but I found myself intrigued. Leaving the interview, I wasn't sure whether they would offer me the job or if I would take it. I put it at the back of my mind and went across the street to the SDSU Foundation.

A former advisor I had in college called me the night before to meet me for lunch. I had only talked to her on the phone once since I left, so I was really looking forward to catching up with her. When we got to lunch, she asked me questions about the interview then turned the conversation in a direction I never expected. She offered me a job.

She wanted me to come work with her as her assistant. She spends so much time planning that she needs help putting products together. The job would require me to write magazine articles, design brochures, write various pieces about the organization, make invitations, put together proposals, make video testimonials and update the web. We talked about the two jobs in Brookings plus the one I currently had. We debated the pros and cons for a few hours and then she let me go, telling me to do some heavy praying and thinking and give her a call by Jan. 7.

Over the next few weeks, I sought advice from trusted friends, cried, prayed and made several pros and cons lists of Brookings and Pocatello. I told my former advisor that I needed to thinking about it while I was in South Dakota and Idaho in order to make an objective decision. I was hoping that when Jan. 6 came, I would have a clear cut decision. That wasn't the case at all.

I woke up the morning before the deadline date and never felt more awful in my life. I honestly didn't know what to do.

You see, the job in Brookins is something I've always wanted to do. The organizations is a non-profit, and I've always wanted to do PR for a non-profit. Plus, it would require me to do some of things I did as a student at Dak, which I really missed. It paid more and the hours would allow me to have more of a normal lifestyle.

But, I would have to leave newspapers. From the time I was 17, I wanted to work for the New York Times. Journalism is all I ever known and it's something I love and hate at the same time. People know me as the reporter, and I hear all the time that I am good at what I do and I shouldn't leave. They tell me if anyone is to make it in this business, it's me.

I also struggled with the idea of leaving Idaho. My working conditions were so frustrating, but once I left the office, things were good. I don't have a lot of friends here, but the ones I have are different than any other friends I've ever had. Someone once told me that there is no better feeling than working your butt off during the day then going out for a few drinks with other young journalists, like yourself, just trying to make it. And there is something very euphoric about that.

The idea of going back to South Dakota was also hard for me to grasp. I left SD for a reason, and I was afraid that going back meant a step backwards in my self development, meaning I was a failure. I never wanted to be someone who couldn't or didn't want to get out. I always felt that to really find out who I was I needed to leave behind everything I knew, and going back would be giving up on the quest. I would be a failure.

I was that the things I’ve learned about myself and the ways I grew in Idaho would disappear once I went back to a familiar setting. I was just scared.

What I couldn't forget, no matter how hard I tried, was that South Dakota was home. My friends and family are there, and I am attached to that place. I sometimes like to hide the fact that I really miss it there, but people in Idaho know the truth. They here me talk about it, and they can see how much I love SD, even though I don't admit it.

I knew that I wanted to go back to South Dakota at some point, but I never expected it to be 8 months after leaving.

I was stuck on this decision. How do you chose between a job in your home
state and a life somewhere else? I cried so much and denied signs that were pointing me to the truth. My friends told me to follow my heart, and I would say I didn't know what it was saying. Truth is, I wasn't listening.

On Jan. 6, I sat in church and was praying harder than I have in a long time when I realized something. If I left Idaho, I would be sad but I wouldn't regret it. If I stayed, I would regret not taking that job.

It took some time to realize that that was my heart talking, nothing else.

The next morning, I called Sherry and accepted the job. Second thoughts did cross my mind. When I was deep into covering the Legislature in Boise, I couldn't help but wonder if I was making the right decision. I thought about it again when I met a charming man who told me I was too talented with too good of principles to leave journalism. I took a step back when I saw the beautiful Idaho mountains from the top of a ski hill with some good friends.

But, every time I wondered my heart reminded me I was doing the right decision. I was taking a big step in my career life and was getting the chance to start all over in South Dakota.

What I've learned in the last few weeks is that I am not giving up and I am not a failure. I am taking a big chance and stepping way outside of my comfort zone. I am treading into a field that isn't as comfortable as journalism and I am going back to a changed town as a changed person. It won't be easy at all. Everything I left in South Dakota will be there when I return, the good and bad. I am gonna have to look my fears straight in the eyes and fight through them. Finding yourself is easy to do in a different place, but to go home and really look inside yourself is not easy. And I really think that going back will be harder than leaving. Yet, I can’t help but smile when I realize all of that will make me a better person in the long run.

Jan. 25 is my last day at the Journal and then I will load all of my stuff up and make the journey back to Brookings. I start my new job Feb. 4 and am excited and terrified at the same time. But no matter how scared I am, I know great things lie ahead for me.

For once, I am following my heart and there is nothing that makes me happier.

As much as I hate Dec. 31, I love Jan.1

Welcome to 2008. It's a new year, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this is going to be one heck of a year.

Already this year is going to have some major challenges. In seven days, I must decide if I want to continue a life in Pocatello or return to Brookings and start all over again. Whichever path I decide, I am going to make a lot of overdue changes to become the person I truly want to be.

Based on my life goals, dissatisfactions in my life and lessons learned in 2007, here are my resolutions for 2008:

- To only follow the will of God and my heart. Too many times I let my mind take control and usually I get burned, so I am only going to listen to those things that matter.

- Only let people into my life that prove they deserve to be there. I allow people to use me in an unappreciative way. I vow to only date and be friends with people who prove to me they love me and want to be a part of my life. I am only going to surround myself with people who make me a better person.

- Take care of myself. I feel that I haven't been doing a very good job of treating my body well. So I am going to exercise regularly and eat more healthy. I think those two things could add a lot of benefit to my life.

- Biting my nails. I have done this for so many years and it's so disgusting, but this year I am going to stop.

- Run a marathon. Running is the constant in my life, but I don't rely on it enough. I am going to finally complete a marathon, whether it's the Brookings Marathon or the Pocatello Marathon.

- Pray more.

- Worry less about things out of my control.

- Stop looking in the past.

- Find a guy who treats me the way I deserve.

- Learn to cook.

- Take up painting.

- Write more.

- Take up yoga.

- Take more pictures.

- Send more letters.

- Gossip less.

- Read more.

- Get healthy amounts of sleep.

- Take more weekend trips.

- Be financially fit.

- Value the people most important in my life.

- Recycle more.

- Volunteer.

These are my resolutions. I am not good at sticking to resolutions, but I feel this year I can. Here's to a new year!

The year that was and the year that will be

Tomorrow is the last day of 2007, and with one of the biggest decisions of my life constantly absorbing my thoughts, I thought it was time to blog, if only to clear my mind.

The start of the year was rather lame. I was with Elissa and Mike, and the three of us wallowed in our singlehood and it put a damper on the evening. However, I later realized I was so blessed to be where I was.

The first few months of the year were a whirlwind, like that entire academic year. A major story caused a major stress in my life, that at one time I thought I was being attacked for the words I wrote. It eventually all blew over and it is one of my favorite stories to tell.

All of my interest in school and work kinda took a nosedive and graduation day became my biggest priority. All I had to do was get by until that day. Looking for a job because the 900 lb gorilla of my life, and the j-word could bring me to tears. I decided on sports writing and was set on getting away as far as I could.

One day, I got an email from a Mr. Tim Flagstad. He said he had a job opening and thought I would be a worthy canididate. I had applied for a few other things, but something seemed right about this. I had an interview and then another, and soon Idaho looked like it could become home.

I'll never forget the day Tim called me. I was in Minneaplois having lunch at a Chilli's. I excused myself when I saw his number and went outside to talk to him. He unofficially offered me the job, and I knew from that point on my life was going to change drastically. When I went back inside, my mother said she never saw me eat so fast. This was it.

That Monday he officially offered me the job, and gave me a few days to think about it. I drove to Elkton that night to clear my head, called my parents and cried. Scott was the first person I told that I was taking the job. Then sitting in the Union, I called Tim and accepted. I went downstairs to the Collegian and told everyone I had a job. As they hugged me, I wanted to throw up because I was so nervous about the upcoming months.

Two weeks after graduation, I packed everything up and moved to Pocatello. I left Brookings on a Thursday and all of my friends threw me a going away party, Scott's doing. We drank the night away, and I had no idea how hard it would be to leave the next day. I couldn't sleep that night, I just cried. I cried when my room was empty. I cried when I looked into Scott's eyes for the last time. I cried when I saw the Campenile in the rear view mirror. I cried when I read a letter from Elissa saying that although our New Year's sucked, we were together. That wouldn't be the case anymore.

I spent the night in Pierre, and it wasn't any easier to say goodbye there. The next day, I headed west not knowing what I was going to find.

So much has happened in the last seven months. I started in sports and realized I wasn't really good at that at all, and took the opportunity to move to news when it came. I am not anywhere near the journalist I thought it was or the journalist I want to be. I had to learn a lot of hard lessons, but through my job, I have got to experience so much.

Moving away was much harder than I ever expected. I cried a lot for the first few days. I missed home more than I thought was possible and I couldn't believe I ended up in Idaho of all places. The summer was so hard for me. I've never felt so alone.

But things began to change, and soon Idaho became a good thing. Moving to the news side helped that a lot. I am so much happier covering city council meetings and other random assignments than basketball and volleygames. I know that sounds weird, but that is just who I am.

Scott was another factor to my unhappiness. I met him back in March and never wanted anything serious. He fell fast, and the day after I graduated, he told me loved me. I said it back, but I didn't mean it. I think I did love him at that point, but I wouldn't let myself because I was going to end our relationship in a few weeks. Well, that was my intent, but it didn't happen. We tried the distance thing for five months and then we just couldn't do it anymore. Scott and I were too different, and with 1800 miles between us, we were destine to die. The sad part of this whole thing is the way he treated me in the last few months of our relationship and since we've been broken up. As much as I hate it, I still, and will always, have feelings for him, like any other of my exboyfriends. But his behavior and lies have killed any chance we had at being friends. He is not a nice person, and although I ended it, he broke my heart. I am happy not to be with him because he wouldn't treat me the way I deserve. I don't cry daily anymore because of him, and nothing is better than that.

The other key to finding peace in Idaho is the friends I've made. We have created this little group and we spend several nights a week playing games, having drinks or just enjoying each other's company. It's funny how things work out. I can relate to this group of people better than many of my friends. They have made long day bearable and life pretty darn good. No matter what happens, I'll never forget these people.

I thought 2007 would be one of the most eventful years of my life, and it was: visitng the Dominican Republic, writing a story that made a difference, falling in and out of love, moving two states away, joining the workforce, leaving all my friends and family behind, graduating, learning to live in the real word, realizing who are friends and who are note and growing as a person. But 2008 already promises to be just as eventful.

While I was in S.Dak, I was offered a job that I didn't apply for. It's a great job with the SDSU Foundation working underneath Sherry Bordywck. It's more money, but it means that I have to go back to a town I already left. She's given me until Jan. 7 to make a decision. So, in a month, I could very well be moving back to South Dakota. I just don't know what I will do.

I am traveling to the Virgin Islands in Feb. and plan on running a marathon in May.

As I say goodbye to 2007, I am more or less scared of what 2008 will bring, but I know that after this year, I can handle anything.

That is all I got for now, but I am sure there will be more updates as Jan. 7 approaches.


P.S.

In my last post I wrote that I was going to update this more, and of course, I failed. Christi was quick to point that out when I saw her last, so that is on my New Years Resolution list. I am gonna try, but I am not making any promises :)

And the sun will set for you

I suppose that I have failed my goal of updating this on a regular basis. Oh well. Now, I will update all the three people that read this – while pouring my heart out in words – on my latest life changes and revelations.

It wasn’t really a secret that I was unhappy in my previous posts. My life seemed dull, without potential to change. So I began to think about where the sources of my unhappiness were and I decided to change it.

Well, I guess that sounds brave and confident but the recent major changes in life kind of just happened. I didn’t plan them but they were things that needed to change. First was the break up.

Scott and I were having rough patches lately. I cried everyday for a month before I realized I just couldn’t cry anymore. Our relationship started out so beautiful. We both didn’t plan to fall in love, but we did. We didn’t know why that loved existed, but it did. So we went with it and hung on to this great potential in our relationship. He was always the stronger one, and I needed his reassurance to keep going. One day, he couldn’t reassure me anymore. He didn’t know what he wanted, and I sure as hell didn’t know. He told me he wanted me to wait while he decided whether or not our relationship had a future. I thought that had already been decided when he said I was the one, but I’ve been wrong before. I tried to wait, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted a commitment from him, and I couldn’t wait knowing there was a good chance I would be holding on for nothing at all.

Foolishly, I thought the solution was to walk away. If I left his life, he would realize how much I meant to him and that he wanted me in it forever. Stupid me. He didn’t come after me, and I really should have known that.

At first, I was satisfied with this decision, almost happy. I didn't cry every day anymore. Then misery sank in and I began to long for him. My friends and family gave me 100 reasons not to think about him, but I could think of 101 reasons to think of him. Soon, my mind took control of the situation. It convinced me that he probably missed me too but couldn’t call me because I was the one who broke it off. If I only I were to call him, he and I could discuss things and decide we wanted to take on the differences and be together. Again, foolish me.

I called and he ignored my call. I left a message, and no surprise, it wasn’t returned. Later that evening, he made some proclamation about having a date. I was torn up. How could this be? How could the man that I left already moved on to someone else? I took the phone call and proclamation as signs, and hints, to just move and force myself that the beauty of that relationship was dead.

It hasn’t been easy at all, actually. When I feel myself slipping into the consuming thoughts, I play Over You and sing to it loudly. My mind gets away from me and I think that he really misses me, but painfully, I am reminded that relationship was never going to work. And that is what hurts the most.

He unblocked me from msn the other day, only for me to find another proclomation about him going on a date. I don't know if he wants me to see that or not. I don't know if he is trying to hurt me or not. I just know that if I was going on a date that I would never put it up on facebook or msn because I know he may find and I don't want to hurt him. I remember that when he first asked me out, I wanted to show my excitement about it but didn't because I know there was people I would hurt with it.

What really bothers me is that if he is trying to hurt me why doesn't he just talk to me and yell at me. I hate that he ignores me, probably why he does it. He said he wanted us to still be friends, and I was really for it, but after this I am not sure if that will be possible. I am going to try one more time to talk to him, but at this point I am not sure if he deserves my attention.

I guess my biggest problem with all of this is that I am letting him get to me. If he was worth all this pain, he wouldn't be treating me like this. One of my friends told me I was too special to be treated like this and that the right guy would never try to do this to me. I just need to let it go.

The thick silver lining to all of this is that I’ve learned a lot from this relationship, probably more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve had to point out what I did wrong and what I need to work on before I find Mr. Right. But hopefully, whoever he is, is also figuring out his relationship weaknesses and working on them. Scott wasn’t willing to do that, one reason we didn’t last.

What makes this interesting is that I inquired about a few jobs back in South Dakota so that I could move back and fix this with him. Funny, I bet he never looked for a job in Idaho. I got one offer, but turned it down. I would’ve had to move home right away, and I wasn’t quite willing. Another, I just interviewed for. This would be a job I would move home for, but I am not sure right now.

Reason – I have a new job. Recently, I switched over to the news desk from sports. After three days, I already like it better. Yeah, the content is dry and the writing isn’t as creative, but I am writing about things I care about and I feel like I am doing the Lord’s work. Going to work doesn’t suck so bad anymore.

All these changes has brought a lot of thinking. After the breakup with Scott, I needed to experience something and do something that will allow me to forget this mess, so I went to San Francisco. I met some pretty amazing and uplifting people there, but mostly I realized that I need to be happy with who I am and where I am at. If I am not, then I will be moving from job to job, state to state and boyfriend to boyfriend. But if I become happy, the right job, place and man will fall into place. That is my life goal at the moment and I am trying to fulfill it out.

My man situtation is kinda odd. I want to date, but I don't think that I am in a good place for a relationship right now, however, I am never opposed to it. To quote Fergi: "Me and myself, we have some figuring out to do." I am keeping my eye open, but after Scott, I know I have to work on a few things before getting into another serious relationship. There is this guy Jaimee who apparently is infatuated with me. I've only talked to him twice, but I guess he asks about me all the time. My friends Joe and Jolene are set on hooking me up with him, but I am not sure if he is really my type. Either way, Jolene promises me she will find me a hot guy, which is fine by me :)

It's funny because I believe in true love more than ever. I believe that it doesn't have to be this hard, and that crying everyday is not healthy. I really do think Mr. Right is out there, he just will come when the time is right.

Another ephimay I had was that Idaho isn’t so bad. There are some pretty incredible people here, and I starting to find a social life. Gasp! These faces of Idaho are helping me realize I can be happy, I just have to be open to it.

I am really starting to learn myself and be more confident in myself. One huge step is that I can look myself in the mirror and say that I am beautiful. I am trying to be more confident and flirtacious. I am learning to find peace and not let my mind take control. I still have a lot of growing up to do but it is all coming together.

I plan on taking another adventure soon. I am gonna go to the Virgin Islands with a few friends to visit Brandon. It will be pretty amazing. I really don't have the money but these are my best friends and I owe Brandon a visit.

So that is my crazy life. I really plan to update you more. Promise.

God Bless

The 23rd Revolution

Yesterday, I turned 23. Today, I am living with being 23.

My birthday was a bit muffled from my trip back to South Dakota that I kind of forgot about it until it actually happened. I was so excited about the visit and then I dealt with the pain of coming back, so my birthday was lost.
All and all, it was a good day. A weird day, but good.

I love birthdays, because it is my day to be reminded how loved I am. Yesterday, I was reminded, and reminded well. I did my best to avoid the crappy thinking that I usually let ruin good things in my life, but it did make its presence known.

The first time I almost lost it was when I was at a restaurant talking to Scott. We hung up because we can't usually talk very long because of our difference in phone plans. I sat there, eating my food, and was reminded that I was eating my birthday dinner alone. That hurt.

The other time was when I was driving back to the office from a volleyball game. I was listening to my Collegian friends sing me Happy Birthday. Then I relistened to my many messages from the day and heard one from my mom singing to me. All I wanted to do was hug her.

So here I am, 23 and in Idaho.

When I went back to S.Dak this weekend, it felt odd. It was like I took a step back in time. Nothing seemed different, but I felt different. The people I saw were glad to see me and greeted me with hugs, but I knew they didn't understand the tears I've shed and how everyday I wish I could see them. It's funny, because I did feel out of place but comforted at times. It was nice to walk around and see the SDSU logo again, like it's a symbol of my past. I guess it is.

It was great to see my family and friends again, but I know their lives don't stop because I am not there. Somedays, I long to go back home, but this weekend, I realized it's not easy. One of my friends is trying to adjust back to the Brookings life before he fully adjusted to life away from it. He is in this parallel and don't know what to do to break it.

Now, on the day after my 23rd birthday and still dealing with the pain of leaving home, I need to really begin looking at what I want from life. The Idaho situation is one I must embrace and that comes back to attitude again. I need to make the most of this instead of pining for home. I will go home again, I just need time to sort things out.


That's all the rambling I can do for now.

Leave Idaho

The other day a friend of mine posted "Leave Idaho" on my Facebook wall. The next another did the same thing. I look at those works and think if only.

This weekend I am exceptionally emotional. Why? It's Hobo Days. Sure, it involves a lot of drinking which eludes to crowded bars and stupid people. The game is usually freezing and I actually never experienced a TREMENDOUS Hobo Day. Still, it's Hobo Day.

I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend. But I can't go home, not yet.

I came to Idaho for a reason, although I don't think I quite understood that reason at the time nor do I now. What I do know is that my purpose in Idaho is not fulfilled, yet.

See, I left college hoping Idaho would be the answer to all of my problems - that my life would easily fall into place. It hasn't, in fact, it's more screwed up than it has ever been. But that is OK. I am learning about myself and I am learning about the person I want to be, even thought I don’t have a clear picture of who that is.

I took this job thinking that I knew a lot about this profession and that I was going to go far. I don't think either of those thoughts anymore. (Side not: Julia Robert's Break Down Here just came on my iTunes. Fitting.) For a long time, I hated my job, I hated this town. I don't love either now, but I am learning to appreciate them. There is a glimpse of hope that I actually might have a future in writing.

Sports journalism, well, I am ready to give that up in a few years. I don't like it like I thought I would, and with every painful game coverage story I write, I realize why I do it. It's making me a better writer. It's a well-known fact that the best writers in journalism are in sports. And some of the world's best writers -- Ernest Hemmingway -- started as sports reporters. So I am going along with it as I develop into a better writer.

The other day, I looked at myself in the mirror and said "I am a writer." That thought never occurred to me. I always just considered myself a journalist, but more each day, I am realizing I want to be a writer. In what avenue? I have no clue, but I want to write. It's the only thing I ever been semi-good at.

These thoughts maybe hard for you to understand, but it's what I think everyday. Because until I feel comfortable as a writer, I can't leave Idaho. That creates a problem.

I miss my friends and family terribly, but they have their own lives. I know that if I come back in a year or two, they'll still love me. It's Scott I worry most about. You see, I have fallen deeply in love with a man 18 hours away. Everyday, all I want is to come home to him. Instead, our visits our two months a part and jammed packed with other things that we rarely get time together. We made a pact to be with each other by next May, but that is still a long ways away. I don't want to leave Idaho because I am not ready to, but I don't want to lose him.

So these thoughts occupy my mind so much, but we both said we would discuss it after a few months when we have a better idea of what we want to do.

Next week, I go home. I am excited but at the same time sacred. Some of my friends who promised me we would see each other are backing out and my time with Scott grows smaller each day. I just wish I had more time with him.

Anyways, this post is all over but that is fitting with my life these days. I do vow to post more often because it will help make me a better writer, but after phoners and gamers, the last thing I want to do is write. I will try better.

For now, God Bless.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

I had a horrible night at work, which is usually the norm these days. Anyways, when I got home I found this Web site in my mailbox. An unlikely source, my childhood best friend Heather, sent this to me. It's funny, I haven't seen her in years and yet sometimes I think we still know each other like we did when we were 6. This message was exactly what I needed on a day like this, or in my life at this point. Hope you enjoy!


http://www.eightprinciples.com

The goals

I have decided to put up a picture each time a post

so here is one of Scott and I in Poky.

I know that it may seem rather odd that I am posting so soon after another blog but I decided to make a list of goals and put them on my blog. So here is my lifetime goals.

Lifetime Goals

Run a marathon

Compete in the Ironman

Write a book

Visit all 50 states

Marry and start a family

Win a Pulitzer

Live the life God wants me to

Cover an Olympics

Be fluent in some language

Raise babies

Travel to Ireland, Austrailia, China, Alaska

Own a boat

Daily goals:

Pray more

Read more

Stop biting my nails

Appreciate life more

Value my friends and family

Stopy worring

Work harder

Swear less

Ok those are my goals. Maybe I'll update them as I go.

Missing all

(NOTE ABOUT THE PICTURE: Scott and I took this at the beach in Blackfoot. Not sure why, but I really like it.)

A few weeks before I moved to Idaho, a friend of mine told me I'd really appreciate South Dakota once I left. This friend had left the home state a few years earlier for the beauties of Florida. She told me that although the beaches are amazing, they'll never replace the glory of the plain state.

I knew she would be right, I just did know how right.

A couple of days ago, I made my first visit back to South Dakota. The first visit came a couple months earlier than expected and was a last minute decision. Basically, Scott had been planning a visit to potato land. He bought his ticket over a month ago, and was set to leave last Thursday. That morning he called and said his grandpa died and was unsure of what that meant for his trip. After four tear-filled back and forth hours and help from his wonderful sister-in-law, Lorienne, he was able to catch his flight that night but the trip would have to be cut a couple days short. My mother offered to pay for a ticket to go back with him for the funeral and I flew back on Sunday.

I was there only for two days, but as soon as we entered the state, I felt a deep sting in my stomach. I didn't want to leave again.

We spent most of the time in Milbank, but on Monday night we came back to Brookings. As we approached the town, I knew that once I saw a certain familiar shape in the skyline, I would lose it. And sure enough, once I saw the Campanile, I cried. As we drove through town, memories and tears swelled and I just lost it. Scott, who never really understands how to handle my over dramatic emotions, sat confused. He gave me a hug once we got to his place, but I don't think he could really understand how much I miss South Dakota. And him.

Leaving SD was something I have wanted to do for years, and now that I finally did it, it lacks all of the glamour I had envisioned. I am broke and lonely. Some days, I am full of ambition and hope, wanting to make a good life. And other days, I can't get out of bed and life seems mute.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who lives in Nashville, and we were discussing his future plans. He hopes to go back to SD to gain more experience in his profession. Then we started debating whether we really missed SD or just college.

Each day, I try to make the most out of my life in Idaho. And really, things aren't as bad I portray them in the paragraphs above. But sometimes, they feel that way. Life will get better, I know it will. This is a transition and a hurdle. I have said this before, and I will say it again, attitude makes a big difference. So I will pray and put on a better attitude, knowing that life will get better. I just have to make it happen.

Since I haven't blogged in a while I will do mini-updates in my life for all those deeply interested (all of two readers).

JOB

The job is an up and down basis. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. Some days I think I am getting it, some days I feel like I don't have a clue in the world. I know there is vast room for improvement, I just feel like I don't know how to improve. I guess improvement comes with time, and I need to be patient, but I just want to be better. My work load will drastically increase in a couple of weeks once the fall sports start. I am pretty sure that I will be handling mostly volleyball and cross country, with sprinkles of football.

My coworkers are good people, who I have learned a lot from. One of them, Dan, has become my movie buddy. I think he appreciates me being a woman so he has someone who will give him female advice. Tim, Kellis and Joe are also fun guys, though there aren't many other females at work I interact with. The paper just hired a new Web editor, and she seems very nice.

APARTMENT

My financial situation sucks, so I decided to get a roommate. I found a nice ISU student, Annabel, on a Web site. She is currently in Wisconsin, but will be moving back to Idaho in a few weeks. It will be very nice to have someone else's company, and split bills.

VISITORS

Amy and Faith visited me a couple of weeks ago, and it was exactly what I needed. We drank wine, ate chocolate, and had good old fashioned girl talk. We even went dancing at Charlies. It was a wonderful time. Scott was just here, and it was perfect. We went to the lake, miniature golfing and a few movies. Mostly, we spent time with each other. In a few weeks, my family is coming. I couldn't be more excited. My parents and both my brothers are coming, so I am excited to see them.

SCOTT

Long-distance relationships suck, and after all the depression and anxiety that I went through with Bryan, I vowed not enter in to another. Oh, but Scott Mueller is worth it. We talk on the phone everyday, and sometimes it's not pleasant conversations. But we love each other so much that the fight is always worth it.

Scott is definitely a different type of boyfriend than I have had before. He doesn't fall to my every want and need, and he doesn't put up with my crap. I feel my self start to develop habits and feelings that I had in past relationships, things that drove me and that person apart, but I try to snap out of it quicker. I want this to work, so I try to relax more and not let my insecurities and jealousy ruin our relationship. He is a wonderful man, and I hope someday in the near future, we'll live in the same town again.

I met his family at the funeral this week, and there were amazing. Meeting the family is always nerve raking, and usually I hit it off with them, but Scott's family was different. It felt more natural.

OK, so there is a quick update. I will do my best to keep this updated more, but sometimes with my job, the last thing I want to do is write.

God Bless to all.

Attitude

I fee like a pregnant woman.

No, I am not pregnant, but my emotions could be compared to that of a woman in her third trimester. What and see:

People always say how good college is, but they quite explain to you how hard it is to leave that lifestyle behind. How to move on and be adult in a world where everyone expects so much from you. Why didn't they teach me this in college?

I knew coming out to Idaho would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Part of the problem is my attitude. It's hard to get out of bed and do things that I usually love to do like running. I hate running here. And when I meet someone new, all I can think about is that these people will never compare to my real friends back in Brookings. That is attitude is what makes me cry at night.

The job is ok. There is the potential for me to be good at my job, but I just can't seem to do things right. I don't write like I normally do and I just can't think clearly.

It still hasn't sunk in that I am not going anywhere in the fall. I will be here. I won't see the beautiful fall colors against the Campanile and I won't ring my blue bell at a Jacks first down. Nope. I will be in Poky, and that thought brings me to tears.

The people here are nice, but making friends takes time. I don't feel like myself. I feel like a stranger who is trying to do the best she can but can't quite seem to make it.

I had planned that Idaho would help me discover who I am but I didn't know it would be painful. Jeremy once warned me that self-discover is tough because you learn things about yourself you don't like and you have to be willing to go outside the comfort zone to change that.

Life right now is rough, but then I have moments of sunshine that tell me I am doing ok. I know God would not have put me here if he didn't think I could handle it. I pray for strength everyday, and He gives it to me. I just don't use it right.

Anyways, this is all over the place but I just needed to say something to someone. Sorry that you caught me on a "bad attitude day," as I call it.

God Bless all.

Greetings from Idaho

So I guess a lot has happened since my last post. In the month of May, I: left Daktronics, graduated college, signed a lease for a new apartment, watched one of my best friends marry the love of her life, said goodbye to the people I love the most, moved two states away and started my first job in the real world. Big changes!

My last week was absolutely perfect. I had lunches with wonderful friends, spent three pitchers pouring my heart out to a close friend and danced the night away at Danny's Lounge with some of the best people that I know. My last night in Brookings ended with a surprise party that my wonderful boyfriend and friends threw for me. It was absolutely amazing and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my last night in Brookings other than with the people that make it so special.

Then came Friday-- the day I had been dreading for two months. I packed up the car, said my last goodbyes and headed down Highway 14 for the last time. I cried a lot that day. In my empty room, in Scott's arms, hugging Gianna as I said goodbye, taking one last, long look at the Campanile.

When I got to Pierre, I was just confused and emotional mess. But my mom wanted my last night in South Dakota to be special so she surprised me by inviting all of my friends in Pierre over for a BBQ. That was a lot of fun, and then we to Zesto and to the pool so Paula could do an errand. Being at the Pierre City Pool was like putting my life in perspective. It was good to see that place one last time, like a visual to the end of an era.

My mom and I drove the 14 hours to Poky the next day. My stomach started tying up in knots once we hit Rapid. I cried a few times when I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my mom following me. It hurt to know she won't be physically behind me anymore.

The next few days were a blur. I was mostly cranky because it started to sink that this my new home and wasn't sure how I felt about that. Then money issues started to occupy my thoughts and I just wanted to cry every moment. Life got a bit better after I bought some furniture and a couple of friends from home called. I started to feel better about things and my apartment slowly began to feel like home.

Then I started work. The first day was awkward, but that is to be expected for a first day. But by the second day, everything felt right. I began to get that feeling in my stomach then creeps into my veins and eventually giving me goosebumps. It's my journalism high.

Friday was a bad day. My mom left that day. The loneliness started to take over, and I felt defeated at the end of the night. Scott tried to bring my spirits up, but I still wanted to stay in bed for a few days.

My social life has been one of the hardest adjustments for me. It's hard going to the grocery store or a bar and not seeing one familiar face. And it rots my stomach knowing that I can't just call a friend to watch a movie or have lunch. But Saturday night a couple of guys from work invited me to their favorite bar after work. I met more people that, and even experienced my first gay bar! It was a good night and it definetly put me it a better mood.

Everyone was curious as to what would happen when I left with Scott and I. It was a really hard decision and something I thought about a long time. The decision came down to our last final moments together and we decided that we care too much about each other not to try. So we are trying. It isn't easy, and sometimes I hate it so much I scream, but that man makes me crazy and he is worth it. He is coming to visit and I absoulty can't wait.

I had the last couple of days off and I am ready to go back to work because I really don't have much to do. My mood changes each day. Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am sad and lonely. But overall things are getting better. I do wish I would meet more people, but I haven't found the best way to do that. Hopefully, it will come.

I still miss home a lot, but things are feeling more familiar here. I went for a hike the other day, and I realized how blessed I was to be able to enjoy the beautiful mountains here.

Oh but I guess I have to take it one day at a time and trust God that he wouldn't have put me in a situation I couldn't handle.

I am going to leave you with a few differences between South Dakota and Idaho.

Until next time.

South Dakota vs. Idaho

1. Instead of Catholic of Lutheran Churches on every corner there are Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints synagogues.

2. Everyone is married.

3. They REALLY like potatoes.

4. Every woman is pregnant.

5. This is a college town, but most people seem older.

6. There fast food options are quite different than ours.

That is really the jist of it. They are actually very similar states.

The good kind of scared

We often associate being scared with negative feelings or situations, but sometimes that isn’t always the case. A good kind of scared exists.

It can hit you when you have your first child. Or are walking down an aisle that the love of your life is standing at the end of. Or, in my case, graduating from college.

Tonight is a monumental ending—my last Collegian, ever. That paper has been my heart and soul for four years, and I have never invested so much time and energy into something. At times, I wanted to quit, but I am glad I never did. I love that paper and it will probably be one of my fondest memories of SDSU.

But the endings continue on Saturday when I graduate from South Dakota State. Wow, even four days away from the event and that fact still shocks me.

As I was walked into The Union yesterday, I began to tear up. In a few short days I will no longer be an SDSU student, and in a few short weeks, the place I called home for the last four years will no longer be home. That is quite a transition.

Unlike many of my fellow classmates, I am lucky enough to say I have a job for after May 5. A couple of weeks ago, I accepted a job at the Idaho State Journal in Pocatello, Idaho. A town that is 4.6 times bigger than my hometown. A town that is more than 16 hours away from my family and friends. A town where I don’t know a single person.

When I came to SDSU, I knew people from high school and my hometown. I knew people from other towns that I met through a variety of activities. All it took was a phone call and I could see a familiar face in five minutes. That won’t be the case in Pokey.

I will be on my own, living on my own. I am leaving ALL of my friends and family behind. And it scares me to death.

But this is the best type of scared. I am starting a new life with a great job in a beautiful (so I am told) part of the country. I am not settling for anything, and that makes me happier than anything.

There are consequences. My stomach twists in knots each time a friend says “Don’t go.” Or when my boyfriend looks at me knowing our relationship will die in a matter of days. Or when my mom tells me she’ll miss me while I am in Idaho.

But I have to go, and everyone knows why and actually encourages me to do so. They know I need to spread my wings, and they are behind me a 100 percent, no matter how much they’ll miss me.

I am very fortunate that I have a built-in back up plan. The editor of the Argus believes I still have a future at that newspaper, and I agree. He wants me to go to Idaho because he understands my need to get out of South Dakota, but someday he wants me to come back and work for him. Who knows what will happen it Idaho, but it’s nice to know I have options if I hate it.

So tonight, I put my last Collegian to bed. Saturday, I graduated. And on May 30, I begin work at the Journal. May has the most life-changing moments of my life. That scares me, in a good way.

Just for Christi

So this is going to be an update because a wonderful co-worker of mine would like an update into my life....

So the segements:

Spring Break

That week in the sun was exactly what I need to relax from the hustle bustle of my-so-called-life. It was a good time to deal with things and events that I honestly hadn't had time to handle. We spent most of the week sipping cocktails and soaking up the sun. I did some fun things like parasailed, kayked and drank rum in the ocean. I also danced on a catterman.

One of my favorite moments of the trip was the last day we were there. I went down to the beach and sat on a dock just to think and reflect. I made an important decision about this summer, thought about a dying friendship and finally let go of harsh feelings that haunted me the past 12 months. That day, I made a lot of decisions about the person I was going to be and and the life I was going to live.

The Job hunt continues...

I am still not sure where I will be next but my options expand weekly. I want to talk to the Argus Leader but I am having troubles getting a hold of the editor, hopefully we can talk soon.
One job opened up in Idaho (yeah, the potatoe state). It is pretty close to what I would want, so I wouldn't mind moving so far away to get it. My nerves are starting to shake a little more as graduation gets close, but I have faith in God.

I am really sorry this post lacks luster but it's an update. One other piece of riveting information for those of you who live by these words: I had a date! I haven't had a date in a really long time, so it was super nice to go out with a nice guy. The last time I went on an actual first date (with someone I hardly knew) was way tooo long ago. My last boyfriend sucked dating right out of me, but then I got over that and just started to have fun with my friends-- and it has been amazing! But I met a really nice and cute guy, and we had a super good time. So I hope to see him again, but who knows.

Anyways, there will be more insightful and reflective words next time!

Here's looking at you kid...

Sometimes I don't trust myself, well in fact, most of the time. There are two evident reasons of that this week.

One happened just today. In about a week, I leave for a week in the sun. It will be amazing for several reasons: A) No school. B) No Dak. C) No Collegian. D) No Brookings. Heck, I won't even be in the country!

I digress, anyway, in my pathetic attempt to begin packing early, I was looking for my sunglasses from Paris. Although the sunglasses have yet to appear from my landfill-like mess, I did find a journal that a friend gave me. I opened it up and opened to a journal entry on Aug. 22 2005. The journal entry was written about my boyfriend at the time and it talked about how I could love him for ever, I just didn't know if I wanted to. Then it talked about how I just am not sure if he is really the "one."

Fortunately, he isn't the "one" but it took me a looooooong time to come to terms with it when he said I wasn't the "one." Now he is getting married, and I am honestly happy for him. Deep down, I never wanted him to be my "one." Sure I wanted to be his "one" but in addition to a couple other guys. I am greedy like that.

Anyway, my other moment of clarity came Thursday. This week the executive editor of the Argus was on campus, talking to different classes. His lectures changed a bit, and I sat through about four of them, but they all had the same centralized theme: passion. He said he wants journalists who have a passion and have prepared themselves for life beyond the diploma. He gave specific examples that could have been about me. He talked about a college student, at a different university, who spent weekends and holidays working at the sports desk. Sounds familiar. Anyways, have the last session he was talking to my advisor and told her that he would hire me in a minute. Basically, if I want a job at the Argus, I just need to ask.

I have been busting my butt for four years, trying to give myself an edge in this highly competitive field, and I think it has paid off. I have always doubted myself as a journalist, but that day I realized I am good at this, not perfect, but good. I can succeed I just need to go after it.

So now here I am boyfriend less and jobless, but it's ok. The potentials for both remain optimistic. The next few months the job thing is going to be my number one priority, and then I think the boyfriend will follow. But now I just need to trust myself... I do know a thing or two about myself.

Glance from a Stranger

Ah, the day of love. Single people all around the world are supposed to despise this day, claiming it’s cruel of Hallmark to make the unattached lonelier than they already are.

Let me tell you a secret—I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. And I am actually happy that I get to spend this one single.

It would be lie if I said I wasn’t envious of the roses and boxes of chocolates that are swarming the office. But unlike previous years, I am not dwelling on the fact that I have no Valentine but actually celebrating it.

You see I have been on my own for a year now, and it feels pretty darn good. I do feel lonely at times and complain about stupid men, but truth is, I am blessed by single hood.

Sure, loneliness can get the best of me, especially when I see how happy exes are with someone else. Not that I want to be that someone else, but I want to have someone else too. But I have learned a neat little trick that has gotten me through those moments of lapse: I think of the future.

Past boyfriends always felt like a settlement, not a dream come true. With everyone ounce of my faith in my body, I believe there is a dream out there for me—it’s just not the right time for it come to true. And when it does, it will be better than anything I had and everything I had imagined.

In the next few months, I am going to embark on some of the biggest changes of my life. I will be moving (as to where, I don’t know so don’t ask), getting job, finding new friends and completely starting over. And I found that these changes and decisions I must make are better on my own. Why? Because I know myself and I know that I would let some boyfriend influence my decision even if it isn’t what I really want. Now I have no influences, just dreams. And I can chase them without second thoughts, without regrets. That is a great feeling to have.

I was walking to class the other day and noticed a man walk diagonally. For some reason, his height caught my attention (he was rather tall), then his well-groomed appearance. He was cute and he glanced at me, knowing in a few moments our paths would cross. When we did meet, he looked me directly into my eyes and said hello. I didn’t know him, in fact, I had never seem him before. But there was something about that moment. (I know I sound like a cheesy romance movie, but here me out). That half a second eye exchange showed me that there are thousands of possibilities for love in my life. I am not sure why a stranger’s glance game me revelation, but it did. Someone some day is going to make me happy, and I think moments like this are God’s way of telling me so. It’s just a feeling I get.

So today, I am glad I am single because I know that I won’t always be single, and that to me, is worth the wait. Plus, I get to have fun with my friends today, which means more to me than anything especially at this point in my life.

Tonight, in the spirit of the holiday, I will hate Valentine’s Day and singledom. I will drink with bitterness and complain about failed relationships and awful Feb. 14s. But most of it will be pretend remorse, because I am really not that hateful of this day or exes. Just don’t tell my friends.

When it all comes down to it...

In the movie "Office Space" the main character recalls something a high school career counselor once told them when they were exploring career options. "If you had a million dollars, what would you do? That is what your job should be."

Although I don't think a satirical comedy should guide me life, that statement has been on my mind a lot lately. Every time I turn around, someone new is asking me "What are you going to do after graduation?" My preferable response would be to shout "I have no freakin idea, so leave me alone!" Instead, I simply laugh and say "That is the million dollar question." And it really is because it's all I think about these days.

From the time I was a junior in high school, I have flirted with the idea of becoming a journalist. That idea has diminished and rose again throughout the years, but it's something I always come back to. Here is the deal: being a journalist is not a fabulous career, and I am painfully aware of that. The money is poor, the hours are long, the public scrutiny is crushing, and damn it, it's hard. But for all of it's negatives, there is something delightfully addicting about this profession and it has captivated me in away I can't explain.

As I look for jobs, I become more aware of the field's competitive nature. I would love to move to a city right after college, however, it's more difficult than that. I don't have the experience for a metro paper, nor do those papers usually take recent grads. So I can stick with a grass roots publication or something smaller, which could be really fun. However, both types of jobs don't pay the type of salary it takes to live somewhat comfortably in a big city.

So I started looking at my options. I could do PR or some type of office work right away, just to get my feet wet. Those jobs don't pay real well, but better than what I would make at a newspaper. Plus, I like doing little things like running errands, scheduling and answering the phone. And those jobs are a heck of a lot easier to find.

But as fabulous as the corporate sounds, and it does sound tempting to me, something reminds me that isn't really what I want. Because when it all comes down to it, I am a story teller.

I tell stories, and it's what I have done since I was little. There is something so invigorating about telling a person a story that makes them cry, laugh, fume or simply smile. I have always been eager to be the information relayer, whether that information was that so and so are dating, the city council was working on such and such plan or that it was going to rain today.

As I think about jobs, I just know that I want to write and I want to work with people and I want to write about people. I guess that is where sports come in.

Last August, I had to cover media day for the Jackrabbit football team. I really didn't know much about the team, let alone the sport. Football games were for tailgating and socializing, that's it. Now I had to write about a team and their upcoming season without the slightest clue how to do it.

So that night I studied the roster, called friends who followed the team and read whatever I could about the team. As I walked to the football field for interviews with the players and coaches, my heart began to pound. I had never been this nervous for an interview before. I was shaking when I interviewed the first player, a sophomore receiver. His kindness quickly eased my nerves, and I got through six player interviews and one with the coach pretty neatly.

Later, I wrote two stories about the team's lack of maturity and tough schedule. The players I talked to had some overly optimistic goals for the season, like a conference title and a win over rival North Dakota State, but it captured my attention for the season. After their first game, my doubts seemed right as the team lost to a Division III school in a game the opponent dubbed "David vs. Goliath." Three losses later, and the team had pretty much killed all hopes of accomplishing their goals.

Then came McKneese. It was the ultimate comeback, as the team rallied from 14 minutes behind with five minutes in the game to win against a ranked team. The quarterback went for two, and the Jacks just sneaked by "the big guys." It was one of those "once in a life time" games. It happened three more times.

I remember sitting in the bleachers watching the Jacks play UC Davis, the second best team in the Great West. They were down going into the fourth quarter, but I knew it wasn't over yet. See the team had developed a "we believe" mantra that they followed throughout the season. They believed in themselves, and they believed they could win. My sports editor sat next to me during the fourth quarter as the stands had started to thin out with the increased wind and loosing score. But I stayed because I knew it was about to get good.

And it did. My sports editor told me half way through the quarter, "That team knows they can win this game." And they did. They came back and scored the winning touchdown with a little more than a minute. It was another one-point victory.

Afterwards, the team stood in front of the stands and clapped. They thanked the fans still there for believing.

That week I wrote a profile about the backup quarterback and his wife, a prominent runner for the SDSU cross country team. They were the super couple: good students, good athletes and good parents to a 1 1/2-year-old boy.

That is the week I decided to be a sports writer.

The Jackrabbits taught me about ups and downs. They showed me the beauty and thrill of competition. They taught me to hope and to believe. I make their story to sound like it deserves a motion picture script, it doesn't. But what it does is deserved to be told. I knew that I wanted to tell those stories.

I started writing for the Argus Leader sports' section. It isn't always riveting but I have covered some pretty good games, including a back-and-forth SkyForce game right after the team loss the best player in the D-League.

As I get deeper into my last semester at SDSU, I am constantly fighting with thoughts of what will I do come May. I just don't know. But what I do know, and it isn't much, is that I that I like to tell stories. It's the only thing that I can do halfway decent. So I guess when it all comes down to it, I am a story teller who likes sports.

More last firsts

Tomorrow is my last first day of school ever.

I walked into the Union the other day and realized that my time n that building is limited. I can walk in the building a thousand times before I die, but only a few times as a student. I love SDSU and all that it has done. But there is new things to do and new places to go. What I will do? Only the good lord nows.

Now, it's time to just do it.

Remember

Through the presents, the fat man in a red suit, the stockings and the blinking lights, remember the real reason
Through the crowded malls, the annual update letter and the hordes of concerts and plays, remember the real reason.
Through the goodies, the time around the table and the enjoyment of friends and family, remember the real reason.

The real reason for the season is a little baby boy who was brought to this Earth so that we may enjoy all those things in peace. Remember what one man and one woman went through to bring that baby to life. Remember Jesus Christ and the wonderful things he has given you.

Happy Birthday, my Savior.

Thankful

A simple list of the blessings I am thankful

Things I am Thankful for:
The Minnesota Twins
Fall
My silver Grand-Am
When my entire family gets together
Laughing with my friends
Worship time at bible study
Hearing “Ring the Bells for South Dakota” as the football teams runs on to the field
Hearing the Campanile Bells as I walk to class
Reading the newspaper in the morning
Writing/reading a good lead
Watching the Twins play while drinking a tall at Cubby’s
Hearing “A little less Sixteen Candles a little more touch me” play when someone calls
Reciveing an email facebook saying that a friend has posted on my wall
The Missouri River at Sunset
The drive from Brookings to Pierre on Highway 14
Walking into the Union Wednesday afternoon and seeing people reading the fresh copy of the Collegian
A campfire surrounded by friends
Ringing my cowbell when a Jackrabbit scores a touchdown or a three-pointer
A run through LaFramboise anytime of the year
The day when Brookings is alive again because it’s move-in day at SDSU
Running into a friend at the Union
Reading a well-written story
A full congregation at the Newman Center on Sundays
Seeing a Daktronics board at a distance stadium
Seeing the yellow house on Euclid for the first time in months
My campus run that takes me by most of the res halls, Coughlin and the Campanile
Doing stair steppers at Coughlin
Smell of fresh cut grass
DDR
Not seeing my friends for months and then picking up where we left off
Facebook photos
It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
Hallmark Greeting Cards
Karla Morrow’s ability to say the right thing to make me smile
Late night talks with my roommates
The “There is only one” video before home football games
A sky full of stars
The smell of fall and cross country memories it brings back
Two Thanksgiving dinners—one at the Reinke’s, the other at the Fishers
A drive down Capital Ave.
Getting an education at the best university in South Dakota
Group prayers at Bible study
Chasing a good story
Dunzo, my beta fish
Knowing my future lies in God’s hands
Making someone smile
A good song on the radio
A good cup of coffee Wednesday morning
Sleeping in on Saturdays
Catching up with a friend
Inspiring photography

But most of all, this Thanksgiving I am thankful for my family, friends and Jesus Christ.

Bleeding Yellow and Blue

My heart is broken, yet again.

Tonight, my eyes welled with tears and the Jackrabbit football team walked off the field ever so slowy, with their heads down. Some stopped to touch the astroturff one last time, and others just stood their as the NDSU team celebrated a well earned victory. That was hard to watch.

We left the Fargodome, titleless and an ending one remarkable football season. It must be hard for those seniors to end their careers this way, but maybe not. They gave a fighting shot and did the best they could. In the end, the Bison was the better team. But it hurts.

It hurts me too. I don't play football nor am I really close to someone who does. But I have put an interest in this team. They are part of my school, something I hold very close to my heart.

As we pulled in tonight, and I saw the Campenile and Coughlin-Alumni Stadium I began to think of my feelings for SDSU. I love this school. I love the people, the location, the opportunities-- everything.

SDSU has its problems, but the good out shine the bad. I love being a Jackrabbit and I love seeing blue and gold together. Tonight as we walked around the FargoDome, my eyes lit up with every person that wore an SDSU t-shirt.

I like to think that from my work at the Collegian, I have contributed somewhat to the SDSU society. But this university has given me so much. It has given me wonderful friends and unforgettable memories. It has shown me who I am.

We may not be Great West Football Champions, but man are we a good school. We are school that is a family. One that cares for each other.

There is a framed saying in the University Bookstore that says "From the outside you can't understand it. From the inside you can't explain it." That is SDSU.

Leaving this place is going to be one of the hardest things I ever do, and I am not ready to do it. There is a slight possibilty that if this internship comes through, I will be gone as of December. The internship is the opportunity of a lifetime, but I am just not sure if I am ready to go yet.

I guess until that moment, I am going to be the best possible student I can be and soak up as much SDSUness as I can. Someone once said that I bleed yellow and blue. To me, there is no higher compliment a Jackrabbit fan can have.

The next 22 years

I am wasting time in the Collegian office between page edits while avoiding studing for PR, so I thought I should make a list of my life goals here on out. (Mainly, I am writing them here for my own sake, so I can look back at them and try to accomplish most of them.)
-Learn to surf
-Pray at least one time every day
-Travel to Ireland
-Live in a big city
-Learn to play the guitar
-Run a marathon
-Write a novel
-Give to the poor
-Marry the man of my dreams
-Buy my dream home
-Vacation to an exotic island
-Know that my friends and family are aware that I love them
-Rock little babies to sleep
-Donate time, money or skills to an organization that fights poor body images in young girls.
-Do at least one thing per year to help a family in need
-Try to have at least a little change for the collection plate every Sunday
-Live by the Phil 4:13, "I have strength for everything through Him who empowers me."
-Run at least twice a week
-Make time for the little things
-Keep writing
-Gossip less
-Find my dream job
-Live near water


I am sure there are many more, but I really need to go study. I will update if I think of more.

Only the Good Die Young

This blog is result of emotions that have been milling in my head and heart for the last week. I've wanted to pour them out but haven't had the opportunity to do so. Never the right time, the right person. And I am slightly better at the written word than the spoken, so this seems like the best avenue to finally release these feelings.

I will probably never forget the moment I realized that Jason Shephard was dead. I walked into the building, and at the bottom of the stairs, was Steve. His face was white and his eyes black. He looked at me then glanced away, and I knew immediately what that meant.

I came upstairs and there was nobody in our cubicle. So I turned to the Internet and the news said the same thing Steve's expression did: they found Jason, who had been missing for two days, and he wasn't alive.

As I read the words from the Pennsylvania newspaper, my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. I couldn't believe it, and that is when Steve came back to his desk and began to cry.

I sat limp in my desk not sure what to say or do next. Although I am an emotional person, I don't handle other's emotions well so I just sat there and watched the tears fall from his eyes. I couldn't cry, I wanted to, but I couldn't. I instead mouthed the words "I am so sorry" over and over.

He left and eruption of tears came from two cubicles over, Karla had found out. I found her and Crystal with red faces, drenched in tears. I sat with them and mourned the loss, but I still couldn't cry.

I later went back to my desk, but just sat there, not knowing what to do next. I would get up and find random co-workers who also wore the same red, tear-drenched faces Karla and Crystal did. I checked the news again later in the day and they had Jason's photo up. My heart broke into a million pieces, still no tears.

Steve got up from his desk often that day. He looked like a zombie. I told him to go home, but he didn't want to. Instead, we sat at our desks and he told me stories about Jason and the crazy things they would do. He told me about the time he met Jason's parents, and how Jason was going to go home with him to help farm. We talked for about an hour, then I had to leave. I didn't want to go, I wanted to be with Dak people, but other responsibilities needed to be taken care of.

I was chosen to judge Mr. SDSU that night, but my mind was not on the good-looking boys on the stage, it was on Jason, wondering what actually happened in Pennsylvania. That night Lucinda called me and told me how Jason died. I burst out into a fit of tears and shakes.

From that moment on, I have thought a lot about Jason and what happened to him. I had spoken to him only three or four times and we were barely acquaintances. But his death still had a major effect on me.

I didn't know Jason very well, but I was looking forward to getting to know him better. Next month, sports sales is moving to another building and we are going to be divided by regions. The map has me sitting between Steve and Jason. Although I complained about it, deep down I knew it would be fun sitting next to those two.

Since Jason's death, I realized what an amazing person he was from the outcry of devotion and love for him that is on Facebook and in the news. He was a young, cute man who had the whole world in front of him. He loved and was loved.

Jason was only on this Earth for 23 years, but he touched so many people's lives. He is an inspiration on how to live life. He lived it to the fullest and always welcomed people with open arms.

He makes me want to be a better person.

He didn't deserve this fate, no body deserves such a horrible and wretched death. But for some reason the good Lord decided this was the way Jason needed to go. I don't know why and I am not sure anyone will ever know why. The Lord needed Jason more than the Earth did.

His funeral is Sunday, but I don't think I will attend. Like I said, I barely knew him and I don't want to take the seat of someone who was close to Jason and is tragically affected by his death. However, I am going to send a card because I just want his parents to know how he has touched my life, someone he barely knew.

Jason's death has been another brutal reminder to live life to the fullest and not to take what you have for granted. And I don't plan to forget that anytime soon.


Rest In Peace, Shep. I wish I could have gotten to know you better.