Bengals vs. Jacks

When I first started covering Idaho State University women's basketball team, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between the Bengals and the Jackrabbits. At first, both teams seemed to be a bit more successful than their male counterparts. They both reached post-season tournaments in 2006 -- ISU, the NCAAs and SDSU, WNIT (the Jacks were still in transition mode and weren't eligible for the Big Dance). Also, they were lead by one dominant player: the Bengals, Natalie Doma and the Jacks, Megan Vogel. Both are very nice, dedicated women with potential in the WNBA. Even after I quit covering the Bengals and moved back to SD, I see another similarity between the two.

Today I was looking through the blog of my friends back at the Idaho State Journal. And topping the blog is posts about Jon Newlee's decision to leave Idaho State University for the University of Idaho. Here comes the Bengals-Jacks connection. About this time last year, Mr. Aaron Johnston announced his plans to leave the Jacks for the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. Both were lateral moves for two very good coaches.

Johnston's announcement was not a big surprise to SDSU fans. He was the first coach at SDSU to prove that the Division I move was valid. He earned the Jacks' first D-I post-season berth, and although it was to the WNIT, no other women’s transitional team has been able to do that. He brought in the biggest crowds to Frost since the days when SDSU and USD were rivals. He put together a team that proved SDSU could be competitive at Division I. So it was no big surprise that some other school wanted to snatch him up.

But what was a surprise is what happened about 24 hours after Johnston's announcement. On the plane ride to Wisconsin, something struck deep with in him. Between the time it took to fly from Sioux Falls to Minneapolis - about 45 minutes - he realized he couldn't leave SDSU. As he waited in the Minneapolis Airport for his connecting flight, he called SDSU AD Fred Oien and asked if his counter offer still stood. According to Collegian reporter Brian Kimmes (:D), Oien called President David L. Chicoin, who confidently put the fate of Johnston's job in Oien's gut feeling about him as a man and as a coach. And with that, Johnston was back.

This is where the coincidences end. I am pretty darn sure Jon Newlee won't be returning to the Bengals. His heart isn't as tied to the university as Johnston's, and there is nothing wrong with that. He jokingly told me that he would probably cry himself to sleep after this year once his power duo, Doma and Andrea Lightfoot, were gone. Those two the type of players that don't come to Pocatello, Idaho, very often. Plus, the athletic department at ISU is a mess, to put it lightly. There is no money, no crowd support and no credible leadership. I don't blame him for leaving.

I used to make comparisons between Newlee's and Johnston's coaching styles. It was literally fire and ice, with Newlee roaring about every wrong move and Johnston rarely loosing his temper on the court. But they struck my interest in women's basketball and helped me find more appreciation for the sport.

I wish Newlee the best of luck in Idaho and will be rooting for Johnston and the Jacks as they work towards their first trip to the NCAAs.

As for the Doma and Vogel coincidence, Vogel was drafted her senior year to the Washington Mystics. She was later cut from the team only to become an intern. This year, she is one of three trying out for one spot with Minnesota Lynx. Her decision to try out just for the one team is not much a surprise for the St. Peter native. She needs to be close to home. Most here are hoping she'll get the spot so we can hop on over the cities to see the former Jack perform her famous arm pump. She might just be the Joe Mauer of Minnesota women’s basketball.

Doma, on the other hand, wasn't drafted. She, however, was signed to the Seattle Storm. I know she will do OK there. She is one heck of a player and a team leader. Knowing how much this meant to her, I am very happy for her. I just can't wait to see her in that Canadian jersey in the Olympics.

A change of heart

My brother Chris and I live in the same town, so we usually car pool home for major holidays and events. We take turns driving so one of us can sleep. Highway 14 is so monotonous that not even a magazine can entertain you for three hours. Plus, we are Mangans and we like to sleep. The rule is that the driver gets to pick the music, no matter whose car. So it's kind of a catch 22: You get to sleep but have to listen to the other's crappy music.

Chris and I rarely like the same music. I enjoy a bit of everything - pop, country, classic, rock, alternative, punk, jazz, ect. He likes mostly punk and emo-like music. Some of it I can hum to, but other stuff, popping my eardrums seems better than listening to the junk coming from his iPod.

One particular band that makes my skin crawl is The Spill Canvas. The first few times I heard the Sioux Falls band, I wanted to throw his iPod out the window. Every song featured starryed lyrics about unrequited love and angry broken hearts. Instrumentally, the music seemed just to be an acoustic guitar that played long slow notes. And the singer's voice? The scratchy high notes and forced emotion gave him away as a guy who probably cut himself.

Maybe I didn't listen close enough. Or maybe I was being to judgmental and to quick to add a stereo type. Or maybe I just like commercialized music, but the other day I caught myself downloading a The Spill Canvas song.

Being a Sioux Falls band on the rise, local radio stations tend to play the band's songs quite a bit. I recently heard a song that I really liked, but never could get the name or artist. At one point, I thought it might be a The Spill Canvas song, but then remembered that I don't like them.

So last night I was downloading songs as a way to get my motivated to work out early the next day and wanted to try and find that song. I looked on the Top 40 Web sites, but wasn't able to figure out a name or artist to the tune. Later, as I was falling asleep, the lyrics started pouring out of me. I hopped out of bed, opened up my computer and searched the song. Sure enough, it was The Spill Canvas.

Not only do I like this particular song, I have listened to it about 10 times today and am considering putting it as my ringer. It's fresh with a fast enough pace to run to. The lyrics do pay homage to a lost love, but the beat overrides the cliché. I like this song so much, I think you should all check it below.

After one day of this song on my iPod, I might be inclined to add more The Spill Canvas songs. Let's not go that far and allow my brother to be right. It's baby steps for now.


Enjoy.

The post I have been waiting for ...

CONGRATS CHRISTI!

DLTBGYD

"Don't those let the bastards get you down."

The best advice I've ever received.

And the internal struggle continues

"Look, I am here. I took a chance and left everyone I know behind. That's more then some people."

I used to repeat that mantra to myself over and over as I cried for home. I wasn't sure what I was doing in Idaho or whether I liked it there, but the fact that I left was the only reassurance I needed to stay.

Leaving South Dakota was something I wanted to do since high school. I wanted to go to some big fancy college and get the heck away from home. I first had my eyes on Boston College, and the University of Nebraska. But like so many people I know, my finances overshadowed those dreams and I went to SDSU instead.

Turned out, that was a pretty good decision because I had a pretty tremendous college experience. But I still had every intentions of leaving South Dakota once I got the degree.

So when the job in Idaho became a reality, I was never more excited to see the state line in the rearview mirror. I was finally getting out.

But life in Idaho wasn't exactly easy. It didn't help that I had a boyfriend back in South Dakota who wasn't so thrilled about moving to Idaho. I was also in a job that I was supposed to love, but really wasn't. And I spent a lot of time alone for a while, something I really wasn't used to.

Even though I would cried in airports as I was coming back to Idaho, life there wasn't so bad. I did find some great friends in my coworkers and I began to try new things.

Life wasn't great, but it was OK.I was getting to the point where I wasn't sure journalism was for me, and if that was true, why am I in Idaho? I still had left South Dakota, and that was all that matter for the time being.

Then the opportunity came to come back. The thing I was most proud of -- leaving South Dakota -- would be gone.

That is continually a hard thing for me to swallow. I am back in South Dakota, and even worse, I am back in Brookings. I didn't join the Peace Corp or move out to D.C. I am just in Brookings trying to figure it all out.

It's really hard to tell people that I am back in South Dakota. I know I shouldn't care what they say, but I hear them thinking "Wow, she couldn't hack it away from home. That's pathetic."

I feel like I gave up on one of my biggest dreams. That I am just settling for something comfortable, instead of really getting what I want.

But the problem is that I don't know what I want. My biggest problem is that I compare myself to other people. I am jealous of my friend who lives in San Francisco working as a volunteer or my friend who is in the Peace Corp in Fiji. I want to be off on some great adventure, but instead, I am living in Brookings.

Living in Brookings is the hardest thing about living in Brookings, everything else is good. I really enjoy what I do. My work environment is so much healthier than at the Journal and I really like going to work. I also like the fact that my work isn't life.

Outside of work, I have a pretty active social life. I am running more and have taken up yoga. I get to see my family more, and I take little trips every month. I have a new relationship with writing and its something I enjoy doing again.

Still, being back here is hard. Many people around me judge success by getting out of South Dakota and they talk about leaving Brookings daily. I just nod my head because I don't know what to say. I was once like them, but now I am back. That's all I can say is that I am back.

When I first told a friend of mine that I was offered the job at the Foundation, he said I should take it. He said that all I needed to worry about was getting to where I want to be and working on myself as a person. I guess that is what I am doing.

I remind myself that this is a temporary point of my life. The plan in life is to go back to school. Now, I am saving money so that I can. I am also trying to fight fears and work on aspects of my life that I have wanted to change.

There are problems that I have that were easy to avoid in Idaho. Being there was a good excuse not to own up to some of my insecurities and work on them. But as soon as the plane landed in South Dakota, those bad habits and tendencies would come roaring back. So one by one, I am trying to fix these things I hate about myself and am trying to really discover myself as a person.

This back and forth post is a clear example of my struggles being back here. It's also a culmination of some unresting feelings I've had this week. I just need to work through these feelings and there is no better way to do that than my own blog.

A rather humorous side note: A friend just called me to have coffee with him later today. He asked me how being back in the ol'town was. I told him that I have writing about that for the last two hours. Yup, that is how it is.

The only thing I can do now until I figure out was is the next step in my life is just to trust that God brought me back here for a reason.

A memo

Dear Mother Nature,

IT'S APRIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, give us a bit of spring before you beat us down with 100-degree weather.

My kindest regards,
Heather M. Mangan

P.S. I understand part of this is my fault for living in South Dakota, but I would appreciate any sympathy you are willing to give.

Sometimes it still hurts ...

When we walked into the social, I saw her engaged in conversation with two or three others, all clutching cheap beer or strongly mixed drinks. They were laughing and I pretended to look anywhere but her direction. Jeremy, whom I was following to the room with the drinks, gave her a gracious hello, but I tried to make eye contact with someone else. The exchange lasted a second and we walked straight to the drink table.

We filled our cups, grabbed a few snacks and started conversation with a man we both met a year and a half earlier. It was good to see this man as we exchanged on-the-job stories. The man got up after a while to find a different conversation and we went back to the drink table. That's when she caught up with us, and right after a hello, she said "I hear you are breaking Randell's heart."

Earlier that week, I had finally gathered the courage to send an overdue email to Randell, executive editor of a local newspaper. I finally told him I was back in South Dakota working at the Foundation.

Last year, Randell took an interest in me. He knew I was the managing editor of The Collegian and I was stringing in his sports department. He delighted in my passion for the job, and told me outright he wanted me in his newsroom. He fit the part of an editor, without the cigar hanging from his mouth, and, just like an old movie, he told me I was going to be a star.

I ate it up and told him I wanted to work for him, but needed a few years outside of South Dakota for personal reasons. Days before I moved to Idaho, he told me to go to Idaho and get better so he could steal me back. That was the plan.

But plans are just plans and life changed. In a lot less time than I intended, I was back in South Dakota and out of the newspaper business. I wasn't sure how he was going to take it so I wrote him a lengthy email explaining my decision and that it doesn't mean I gave up on journalism forever. He responded with a good luck and that was it.

Disappointed with his response, I guess I wanted his blessing, although I know he would never give it to me. Like most newspaper people, he has a history of not liking those who jump ship, but really I didn't know what he would say.

When I ran into his managing editor, Maricarrol, at a newspaper conference I was attending with Jeremy, I didn't know what she would say, either. She made some remarks about me not staying in it long enough before leaving, but I would be back. With the bit of alcohol in me, these remarks, although they came off friendly, brought on the drunk blues, like seeing an ex boyfriend at a party.

Jeremy told me that nobody at the convention is going to say to me leaving the business was a good idea even though they may think it. He reminded me that this is a community that stays together and values their brother and sisters through long hours, bad pay and never-ending deadlines. When one leaves, it's hard not to call them on it. I understand, and respect, that loyalty but it just hurt.

To be honest, leaving journalism still stings. It's hard to hear my friends talk about great stories or come across a great story idea and know that I won't be seeing it through. Some days, reading the newspaper is a slap in the face. Seeing young journalists write moving pieces, move ahead in their careers and win awards is the same stomach acid feeling I got when an ex boyfriend proposed to the girl he started seeing shortly after we broke up.

This same local newspaper currently has two open positions: entertainment reporter and outdoors/environmental reporter. Both are positions I would love. Another reporter at the paper told me I should apply for them, and I the idea crossed my mind more than once. The pay might be better, I could move to Sioux Falls and I would be back in journalism.

Of course, it's not that simple. I would leave Sherry high and dry after she went out on a limb to get me here. I would need to eat a huge piece of humble pie and it would be even harder for me to go back to school. And I would be back in journalism.

I was explaining these positions to Kate and she told me to dismiss the options but remember that I left newspapers for valid reasons.

Although highly influential reasons, I didn't leave because of pay, hours or the scary instability of newspapers. I left because it wasn't me.

I used to think journalism was made for me. I got to talk to people all day, snoop into their business and write about it. I got to experience new things and meet fabulous people all while being paid.

But there was a dark side. I had to ask the questions I didn't want to and write the stories that nobody likes to here. I had to make peoples lives harder and I had to the bad guy sometimes to tell the truth.

After a cross country meet this fall, I interviewed a local girl about her race and her career. It was a Q&A so I ran the quotes verbatim. Apparently, she felt that she sounded stupid in the interview because I didn't give her enough time to rest and that I hounded her too much. She would see me and walk in the other direction when I came close. She told her coach that I couldn't talk to her until several time has passed after the race, despite the fact that I had a job to do. And she always rolled her eyes when I approached her.

That hurt, in fact, I cried at cross country meet because she was avoiding me. As I tried to calm myself down, I thought about what Dan or Kellis would have done in that situation. They would have apologized, tried to get something out of her until they gave up and then walk away without a second thought. I can't do that. I am too emotional.

I don't want to be the person people try to avoid. I don't want to be the person they hate getting phone calls from. I realized there were other parts of this job that just didn't fit my personality and that I didn't want to do this forever. The ups of the job were amazing but they weren't worth downs.

Tonight, I went to Leatherheads. In the movie, a reporter named Lexie has to write a story that reveals the exaggerated tale of man's rise to war-hero status. She knows it will ruin him, but she has to tell the truth. She calls her editor and has the following conversation:

Lexi: Harvey, sometimes this job stinks.
Harvey: It stinks most of the time.

Too me, it’s not worth it. Some people can let stuff like that roll off their back and just get the job done, but I wasn't built that way. I want to help people not piss them off. Although a reporter can do so much good, I really want to help people and that's where the masters in counseling comes in.

I will always love journalism and have fond memories, but I was made to do something else, I just don't know what. Saying goodbye to journalism still hurts and it probably will for sometime, but I know that, for me, it was the best move. I just need to find a new love.

It only takes 21 days

By now, all of my faithful readers are probably in utter shock.

"Heather has posted more in the last few days than she did while living in Idaho." Yes, this is true because I promised all of you that I would be better at this blogging stuff, and now I am really trying.

One of my coworkers graciously informed me that it only takes 21 days to create a habit. Meaning if I post every day for 21, then maybe it will become a regular component of my schedule. So this idea got me thinking, what else could become my habit?

I guess I could be a bit daring and stand on my head for 21 days, or I could take the undemanding route of habits and just drink myself silly for 21 days or until my liver gives out on me.

Really, I took this 21-days urban legend and decided to give it a whirl. But first, what is habit?

When we hear that word, we immediately list all of the habits we possess, and they are usually bad ones. I generally think of my stubby nails that never get a chance to sprout or my addiction to that sinful Web site, facebook.com. We never tend to think of the good habits we have, such as calling friends every few weeks to make sure their lives are going swell or double checking to make sure the door is locked.

If we focus more on our good habits and creating better ones, we could probably be a lot happier. So, I am going to try this little rule to create habits that could help me accomplish some life-goals.

Posting on my blog is the first habit on my list. Writing this much can only be good for me, especially if I want to start writing my book.

The second habit is meditating. It's something I have wanted to do for years, and when I do do it, it feels absolutely amazing. Meditating will really help me center on my thoughts and work on my shortcomings, both reasons why I moved back to South Dakota.

My third habit is one that I am already trying to accomplish, but I want to tweak it a bit -- working out. Now, I workout about three to four times a week and I want to be able to run or hit the gym five to six times a week. I am already noticing more of an ease when I run and my friend just told me today I look like someone who works out a lot. I don't agree with her, but it's good motivation. My new goal is to workout before work instead of after. I usually head to the gym or go for a run when I get home, but sometimes I work late and it takes all the motivation I can give up to put my shoes on and get out the door. Plus, I get busy with friends and whatnot so working out takes a back burner. I am gonna start waking up earlier, which is quite the goal for me, and we'll see if I can make a habit out of this.

So if the 21-day rule works for creating habits, it must work for breaking habits, right? Well, maybe I will apply that and see if I can break that nasty nail biting ritual that has been around since my birth. If it can do that, then I would say this rule is the miracle drug.

Until then, let's create some good habits.

Four women by the water cooler

When I think of sports-related pools at offices, I think of grubby men who pass their days by looking up stats and trashing talking their cubicle mate. But that is the 1990s version of office pools.

Back at the Journal, the publisher organized a fantasy football league. I didn't take part in the league because A) the entry fee was $100 and B)I have never been intrigued by the idea of picking my own football team with players for various teams across the league. To me, it didn't make sense. But I did admire it because some of my coworkers put more energy and effort into the league and beating the publisher than they did their jobs.

Most days, one of my the news reporters would saunter over to the sports side to get tips and ideas about Sunday's games. On Monday, he would linger in our department for a good 15 minutes about how great his team was doing. He was a trash talker and made sure everyone knew he was winning. The sports guys, who weren't involved in the league, made jokes and others involved in the league who join in on the trash talk until the entire office was wasting time over who was the better quarterback or running back.

Again, I just ignored it and pretended to work. This just wasn't my thing.

So when the email went out about NCAA polls at my new job, I ignored it. The pool organizer stopped in and asked if I was going to hand in my brackets and said I didn't think so. He told me to stop being a fun hater and fork over the $6 fee with my filled brackets. I though about it for a day and decided to just go ahead and play.

Before I knew it, I was actually getting involved in March Madness, which was a new concept for me. It wasn't that long ago that I actually realized that March Madness was about college basketball. I am a sports fan, just not a college basketball sports fan. But this year, I was watching games, checking scores and analyzing my brackets. I wanted to win this puppy.

I thought I had done very well with my picks and was pretty confident in my pick to win it all, Kansas. But after the first week and my fifth-to-last place finish, I realized I might not be so hot after all. I still kept with it and watched the games, hoping I could move up a bit in the ranks.

After the Sweet Sixteen, I was still alive for the Final Four and made quite the jump in places. I am now fifth overall. The current winner is Robin, who is beating me by at least 15 points, but only Rina has picked Kansas to win it all and is a head of me in the standing. My boss, Sherry, is out of it, thanks to the picks her 12-year-old son made.

The four of us happened to all be standing by the water cooler when Rina congratulated Robin on her placing but commented that she didn't have the right team. So then we all put in our two-cents of trash into the conversation when Keith walked by.

"You know what's funny about this?," Keith said. "I don't mean anything by it, but there hasn't really been any trash talk since this pool started and here you four women are trash talking by the water cooler."

I guess this office pool stuff is kind of fun. Go Jayhawks!

Finally, the UPDATE!

Yes, I know that this post is grossly overdue, but I am now writing it and that's at least something. With the exception of Saturday's unorganized depiction of my love life, it's been a good two months since my last post. So here is, hopefully, a quick update of the move and my new life.

When I last left you, I was getting ready to say goodbye to some great people and make a very difficult journey. The excruciating goodbyes got lost in stress and fear of driving a UHaul, pulling my car, through the mountains in February. After two and half days of white-knuckle driving, I finally crossed the state line only to be met with a billboard that said "Welcome to South Dakota. Watch out for Jackrabbits." Of course, the text was accompanied by a picture of the Campanile. That sign was the Christening of my new life.

The next few days were a whirled mix of unpacking and catching up with friends. I probably told the story of why I was back in Brookings about 50 times that first week, but as I ended the tale, most just looked at me, smiled and said "Well, we are glad to have you back."

Three days after I arrived in Brookings, I started my new job. It was a bit overwhelming. I didn't just jump in, I did a cannon ball into piles of projects that sat lonely on Sherry's desk until I could come and put a shiny red bow and "Finished” label on them. But from the first day, I knew I was going to like the people there and that this is going to be an adventure.

Most nights after work, I went out to dinner or drinks or a movie with friends. I played a lot of catching up, but I had no problems with this busting social life. In fact, I was giddy to have something to do every night.

Those first two weeks were a string of lunches, new projects, unsettling feelings and internal battles until I left for the Virgin Islands. I booked the tickets to visit a friend who moved there in October before I was even offered the job in South Dakota, but my boss knew I was taking this trip regardless. When the time actually came to leave, she was glad that I could go. She said, and I agreed, that I needed a few days in the sun after the last two months of emotional stress and the physical and mental drain of moving.

I arrived on the island of St. Croix where Elissa and Brandon were waiting for me. That night we picked up Val and Murph and then Jim and Nikki the next day. We spent the week drinking anything with rum, visiting various beaches and trying new food. I took the time to do a bit of writing and lots of reading. Since I am really into memoirs lately, I bought "I hope they Serve Beer in Hell," by Tucker Max and "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Two completely different books, but both authors made a deep impact on the type of writing and living I want to do.

We did a few touristy things like sail at sunset, tour the Cruzan Rum Factory and feed beer to the island's famous drinking pigs. We also hiked through the rain forest to see the tide pools. Now, that day was my favorite and worse. I almost died that day, but I am going to save that story for another post. Not to sound too cliché, but I really live different now. Maybe it was my near brush with death or maybe I just have grown up. But, as I said before, you'll read that story later on.

I came back seven days later feeling fresh and relaxed and looking pretty hot with a nice golden tan. Getting back in the swing of things wasn't too bad because I had a lot to do. I finally unpacked my apartment and now feel more settled.

Not long after I got back, I went to Omaha to see "Mamma Mia" with Kelli. That was a fun treat and good excuse to get out of Brookings. I went home for Easter, which was also nice, and this weekend I am going up north to hang out with J-Fug. SO, I am trying to take mini trips as much as I can.

I still have a very active social life, which makes me happy. I do go to basketball games and plays but I try really hard not to fall too much into the student life.

Other than that, I have just been working a lot and just living my life to try and figure out what comes after this. To make this easier for all the two people that read this blog, I thought I would answer some of the frequently asked questions that I get. Hope you all enjoy!

FAQs

How do you life your new job and do you miss reporting?
I love my new job. I love being challenged in a different way and I love the different projects I work on. I enjoy being a part of something that is making it easier for students to attend a quality school. The people I work with are amazing and make work really fun. Plus, I pretty much have the best boss ever! I do miss reporting, but the politics at the Journal are not something I long for. To keep my love for writing, I have been writing short pieces when the feeling moves me. I am also currently searching freelance work. Hopefully, something good will come out of that.

How do you like being back in Brookings?
I have mixed feelings about this. Some days, I do feel like a failure because I am not out in New York or something living the dream. I did leave Brookings but now I am back and that makes me lame. Other days, it's wonderful to see familiar faces wherever I go and know that my family is only 200 miles west. So being back has ups and downs, but I know that this isn't a permanent location for me. It's just between point A and point B.

Have you seen Scott since you moved back and are you guys going to get back together?
Um, no. I tried to get Scott just to meet with me to talk about us living in the same town and whether we could be friends. Instead, we ended up fighting through text messages and that was it. I figured I would run into him since we live on the same street, about eight blocks from each other. I did see him twice, but we both pretended not to see each other. Oh well. I am really happy now, and I think he is too.

Are you seeing someone then?
Well, if you read my last post you would know that the answer is no. And that is OK. I am happy where I am at.

So what are you going to do after this job?
I have no idea. Going back to school is a pretty likely option. For about three years I have talked about getting my masters in counseling. I should probably act on that.

Do you feel that moving back was the right decision?
Yes, because I trust that it was the right decision. God brought me back for a reason, so I am just living out the plan.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Yesterday I ran into an old friend who was in town for a sin-ingested day called Pub Crawl. It had been months since we last talked and both of our lives had undergone some big changes. So we found a table in a crowded bar and casually discussed the current status of our lives.

He is happily engaged and working a job that he really likes. I told him about my new job and the big move back. He asked if still had my "boy toy" (I am sure he couldn't remember his name.) Not wanting to get into too much detail I told him that we were no longer together and broke up in October. We continued discussing things and he abruptly said "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" I just laughed, but he asked again, "No, seriously, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend."

This question plagued me a bit because he isn't the only person to ask me this recently. So why don't I have a boyfriend?

It’s not that I don’t want one, believe me. So what is it?

My last relationship ended about five months ago, and I have only kissed one man since him (If you must know, he was a charming man I met in Boise who was utterly fascinated with me and nearly heartbroken when I told him I was moving to South Dakota). Many people actually thought that when I moved back, Scott and I would give it another try. I never saw that as an option because it just didn't work out for us. We are not on talking terms, but I don't hate him anymore. In fact, even when he took a shot at me on my friend's facebook wall, I felt sorry for him. I am OK with seeing him now, but I don't know if he is. Anyway, pining for an ex-lover is not the reason why I am single.

I guess I am single because my last relationship proved to me that I need to grow in several ways before I can actually be with someone.

My biggest problem in relationships is trust. I have upsetted, and hurt, boyfriends when I question whether or not they love me. When they say it, I have a hard time believing that someone could actually love me. I even give them excuses to love me, such as "He only loves me because he thinks no one else will love him" or "Most girls reject his advances and I was the only stupid one to give in." I never realized how much of insult that is to him and to myself.

So lately I started wondering why don't I trust them? Then I realized it's not just boyfriends I don't trust. It's my friends. I have this irrational fear that if someone hasn't called me in a while it probably means that I did something to piss them off and they really don't want to be friends with me. Or that my friends only hang out with me because they feel sorry for me or don't have anyone else to hang out with.

Then I realized I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make good decisions and to stand up and do what is right. Even more, I don't trust God and that he will really take care of me.

This is where you sigh and say, "Yup, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Oh, but it gets worse. I realized today that I so afraid of getting hurt that I just close guys off. When a guy hits on me, I automatically think he is only using me to get in my pants so I close him off. Actually, I get a snobby and bitchy, both highly attractive qualities let me tell you. I immediately write guys off as man whores when all they may want is to just say hi.

Today, I was discussing with friends how superficial love is. I explained to them how upset I was when I finished "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book was an enthralling tale of one woman's rise from depression, loneliness and self destruction through a pleasure-engaging and spiritual journey. It was so refreshing to see a woman find her self and happiness through pasta and prayer, until the end of the book when she falls in love with a Brazilian man. It infuriated me that she just had to fall in love. Why couldn't she just find herself and be happy with that? It continually proves to women that in order to be ultimately happy they have to have love. I felt that when the author fell in love she lost all credibility about empowering herself to be a better version of herself.

So, as I was explaining these frustrations to my friend, he stopped and said "What's so wrong with being in love, Heather?"

"Well, nothing, I am just tired of everyone believing that happiness has to come through love?"

"But happiness does come through love."

"Sure, but not all happiness."

"So why do you hate love?"

I guess I don't hate love as much as I envy those who hate. Being love is a great feeling but to me I need to love myself before I can fully love someone else to the degree they deserve. I want to give someone my all, but I need to give myself my all before I can do that to someone else.

The best way to do that is give myself things I want. The other day I spoiled myself in a way that I've never had. I got up, went to yoga, went running, wrote a bit, cooked myself an amazingly tasty meal, drank a few glasses of wine that led to a few bottles and enjoyed the company of new and old friends at my quaint apartment. It was a Heather Day.

I wasn't trying to impress someone else or make someone else happy. I was making myself happy, something I have never really done. Often, in relationships I sacrifice my happiness to make the other person happy. I will spend my hard earned money on them. I will give them any free time I have. I redirect the love I have myself toward them. I was think that if they are happy then I will be happy.

That is a stupid way to live. I know now that to love someone truly, I must love myself. That sound cliché, and it is, but it's so very true.

At this point in my life, I am learning to love and trust myself. I do that by doing things that make me happy. I eat what I want. I hang out with who I want. I wear what I want. I say what I want. I am just trying to be the best Heather Mangan I can and accepting myself just the way I am.

Also, I am learning to trust in other aspects of my life. When a friend doesn't immediately call me back, I try to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything and not to panic. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but my insecurities don't disrupt my life like they used to. I also tell myself that there is nothing wrong with staying home on a Friday or Saturday night. It's really OK.

So I guess the best way to answer the "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" question is that I am working on my self development. I guess another reason is that I haven't met anyone I am willing to pursue.

Sure, I have met a few great guys lately, but there hasn't been a connection. Too many times I have talked myself into a relationship or staying in one. No more. It shouldn't be that much work. I shouldn't have to convince myself that this is a good idea. It should be.

For now, I am just gonna work on being the best me and waiting for the right time. I know that when I am ready, I am going to have let my guard down when it comes to guys, but for now I am just going to make myself happy.

As a wonderful friend once said, "I guess if I am not finding the right guy now, that's God telling me I need to be the right girl."


**** I know I haven't posted since my move back, and I plan to soon, I just needed to get these thoughts out. So expect an update of my life shortly.****

Saying goodbye

When I moved to Idaho, I knew there were good people here. But I never imagined they would change my life the way they did.

I remember being at a bar this summer, and thinking that these people are not my South Dakota friends and they never will be. My friends at home will always be on a pedestal, and these people will never make it there. I can't believe I was so closed minded.

Soon, though they got a hold me, and I began to forget about how much I missed home. I still missed home and Idaho wasn't home, but the people here made each day a blessing.

It didn't start out like this. I felt alone for a really long time and start to get a bit closer to a few people here, but they were still just coworkers. Then Kate came.

Kate moved here from Missouri with her fiancé. At first, I figured she would just be another engaged girl. The ones that stay at home with their soon-to-be husbands and would maybe get out once and a while to do something else. We really didn't talk or hangout for a long time, then one day, she added me to facebook. We decided to have coffee and then things kind of snowballed from there.

Kate is the friend I've always wanted. She understands me in a way no one else does and she never puts other friends above me. She had the same feelings and thoughts I did, and we always had fun together. She is someone I always want to call a friend.

Saying goodbye to her will be the hardest thing about leaving Idaho. I am not sure when I will see her again or how much we'll talk now, and breaks my heart. In six months, she's been a better friend to me and touched my heart in ways that friends I've had for 15 years haven't.

She'll be the hardest to say goodbye to, but she won't be the only one. Dan is another Idaho blessing. He was there when I wrote my first big story and he was there to listen when I broke up with my boyfriend. I love joking with Dan and he is one of the best people I've ever met. He is genuine and sweet and doesn't care what others think about him.

Dan has hopes to move back to Minnesota, and I really hope he does because I would love to visit him. He might end up in Washington for a few years because his girlfriend lives there, but I have a feeling I am gonna meet Dan somewhere else in life.

Cy was someone I didn't expect to get attached to. I guess from past experiences, I am leery of my friends boyfriends, fiancées, husbands. I never get a long with them, and when Kate introduced me to Cy, I kinda figured the same would be true. I couldn't have been more wrong. Cy is such a loving and warm person. He is funny and smart and he makes me feel welcome. He is not just my friend's husband, he is my friend. I am really going to miss just talking to him.

Then there is Joe. I didn't know what to make of him at first, but in the last few months, I've really enjoyed his company. He is a passionate person and a lot of fun to be around. I love joking with him, and he is probably one of the most talented photographers I've ever known. He is going places. Plus, he is dating Joelene who I absolutely adore.

My friendship with Kellis was also unexpected. We are two different people, and other people I've met like him really don't care for me. But that is just Kellis on the outside. Deep down, he is a really great guy who is amazingly talented. He is a lot of fun to joke around with and I am gonna miss his antics. His fiancée lives in Omaha and he said that sometime we'll have to meet up there. Once him and Stacy get married in August, they'll probably settle somewhere in the Midwest, so he is another I plan on running into somewhere down the line.

There is also Tim and John, who were amazing editors. They both showed me a lot and welcomed me so much. My experience here would have been way different with out them.

When I left South Dakota, my friends threw me a surprise going away party and I always thought that only true friends would do that. Well, last night, Dan, Kate and Cy threw me a party. True friends indeed.

As my days with get fewer, I can't help but think how these people have managed to touch my lives so much in such a little time. I don't want to think about saying goodbye because I know it's going to hurt.

There are a few things that ease the pain. Almost all of them are in serious relationships or are married. They are on different paths than me who still needs more time to wander before meeting Mr. Right. Also, these people are sad to see me leave, but they are happy for me because they know I am following my heart. Those are true friends.

And the last thing that makes leaving them so bearable is the number of people back home who tell me they can't wait to have me back. I don't understand why God blessed me so much, but I am sure glad He did.

I am going to miss the Faces of Idaho, but God brought these people into my life for such a short time for a certain reason. I just need to trust that He'll continue to bring just as good friends into my life.

As I say goodbye to new friends, I will say hello to old and new ones. I will never forget the people here, never. They have changed my life in so many ways and I will never forget that. I am not sure how well we'll stay in contact but I hope to visit Poky this summer and they'll visit me sometime. Till then, I guess it's up to text messaging and facebook.

Letting go of a love

Months ago, I posted a blog about being a good kind of scared with the new life I was about to embrace. And now, 8 months later, I am unexpectedly in the same spot.

In a week, I will start a new job. In three days, I will haul all of my belongings 1800 miles east. In two days, I am going to have to say goodbye to some of the best people I ever met. As to be expected, I am a mess of emotions.

Friday was my last day at the Journal. It was a really weird day. I cried at my desk about 10 minutes after I arrived because of an email my mom sent me, and then I began a long string of lasts. My last morning meeting, my last afternoon meeting, my last story, my last lunch with my coworkers, my last story, my last edit. This might not seem like significant moments to most people, but it is to me.

I am leaving journalism, and that is a scary, exciting thing. Journalism is all I ever known, and I was the girl who knew when she was 17 what she wanted to major in and what she wanted to be. I was the girl who was going to conquer newspapers, and my professors and classmates always told me I was the only one who was going to stick with it. People have always told me I am good at it and they enjoy reading my things. Those are days when journalism is a good thing for me.

The good days come when I can write a heart warming story that brings a tear to a reader's eye or when a woman calls saying my story has moved her so much that she is speechless. They come when a young boy said he reads my stuff all the time because he wants to be a journalist or when administrators realize they are wrong by the things I wrote. They come when I get to tell stories of remarkable people. I can't help but sob when I think of how much I am gonna miss those stories.

But then there are days when I can't do it anymore. They come when my editor tears a part my story because of small errors or I make mistakes on major things like names or quotes. Or when I have to ask tough questions and put people on the spot. They come when I have to write something I really don't want to write because I know it will make someone angry. It's the days I work 12 hours but know I am only getting paid for eight. That's when I realize I am not cutout for this business.

I am terrified because I am leaving the one thing I've always known. I am letting go of dreams to work for the New York Times and win a Pulitzer. I am treading in unknown territory and I am petrified.

I am crossing over to what journalists call "the dark side" -- PR. That's a hard pill to swallow, but I need to try this. I need to try something else.

Working for a non-profit is something I've always wanted to do, and now I get to help raise money for a university that I love. Sometimes I am not sure if I can handle this, but who knows, maybe I will be a PR rock star. I just know that I can't willing go back to school if I didn't try this part of communications.

There are benefits of leaving journalism. I will get better hours and more of a normal lifestyle. And I will get the chance to be more involved in politics and interest groups, something I really want to do. But I won't get to experience nearly as much as I did with journalism and I won't get to meet nearly as many fascinating people. Again, I need to try this. I just want to go to work everyday and say that I love my job, and right now, I can’t say that.

My goal is to keep writing. I would like to do some freelance for a magazine or specialty pub. And there's always the goal I have to write a book. Whatever I do in life, I still want to write.

I've had a love/hate with journalism for a long time and doubted if being a reporter is my true destiny. It's not outside of my nature to doubt things. I've doubted boyfriends and friendships. But there is an old saying that if you love something you should set it free, and if it comes back, then it was meant to be.

So, journalism, I am setting you free. If you are my true love, we'll find a way to be together again. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and I will find something that makes me truly happy.

Following my heart

Following your heart is supposed to be easy, or so it seems. But really trusting your heart and surrendering your rationale is scary. Yet, once you do it, everything seems right and you know that you will be truely happy.

In May, I followed a few dreams to Pocatello, Idaho. I wanted to be a big time sports reporter and move away from South Dakota without looking back. Well, once I got here I realized those dreams were just stepping stones to finding out what I really wanted in life.

Eventually, I realized sports just wasn’t for me. I found out that I was passionate about other things and would rather tell other stories. It's funny, because I met a few reporters this past week who got out of sports for the same reason. So, in November, I switched to the news desk where I covered city government then the Idaho Legislature. Things really started to click for me.

After a few changes in my personal life this fall, I was able to embrace Idaho with a different attitude and I began to really fall for it. Sure, the pay was still low and the hours were still long, but there was something so calming about this new life outside of work. I was trying new things, developed a solid group of friends and had found some real happiness in Idaho. Then I went home for Christmas, and everything changed.

A few months back, I applied for a job with the SDSU Alumni Association mostly out of frustration. I knew the job opening existed, but always found excuses not to apply for it. After a typical hectic day at the Journal, I filled out my app. I forgot about it for a while until I got an email about a phone interview which led to a request for an in-person interview. I set something up for when I was going to be home for Christmas, but again, forgot about it.

The night I was to fly back to South Dakota, my friend Dan asked me if I was going to take the Alumni job if I got it. I told him that I was really liking Idaho so I didn't think so.

Well, a few days later, I went into the interview and things went alright. I wasn't sold on the job just yet, but I found myself intrigued. Leaving the interview, I wasn't sure whether they would offer me the job or if I would take it. I put it at the back of my mind and went across the street to the SDSU Foundation.

A former advisor I had in college called me the night before to meet me for lunch. I had only talked to her on the phone once since I left, so I was really looking forward to catching up with her. When we got to lunch, she asked me questions about the interview then turned the conversation in a direction I never expected. She offered me a job.

She wanted me to come work with her as her assistant. She spends so much time planning that she needs help putting products together. The job would require me to write magazine articles, design brochures, write various pieces about the organization, make invitations, put together proposals, make video testimonials and update the web. We talked about the two jobs in Brookings plus the one I currently had. We debated the pros and cons for a few hours and then she let me go, telling me to do some heavy praying and thinking and give her a call by Jan. 7.

Over the next few weeks, I sought advice from trusted friends, cried, prayed and made several pros and cons lists of Brookings and Pocatello. I told my former advisor that I needed to thinking about it while I was in South Dakota and Idaho in order to make an objective decision. I was hoping that when Jan. 6 came, I would have a clear cut decision. That wasn't the case at all.

I woke up the morning before the deadline date and never felt more awful in my life. I honestly didn't know what to do.

You see, the job in Brookins is something I've always wanted to do. The organizations is a non-profit, and I've always wanted to do PR for a non-profit. Plus, it would require me to do some of things I did as a student at Dak, which I really missed. It paid more and the hours would allow me to have more of a normal lifestyle.

But, I would have to leave newspapers. From the time I was 17, I wanted to work for the New York Times. Journalism is all I ever known and it's something I love and hate at the same time. People know me as the reporter, and I hear all the time that I am good at what I do and I shouldn't leave. They tell me if anyone is to make it in this business, it's me.

I also struggled with the idea of leaving Idaho. My working conditions were so frustrating, but once I left the office, things were good. I don't have a lot of friends here, but the ones I have are different than any other friends I've ever had. Someone once told me that there is no better feeling than working your butt off during the day then going out for a few drinks with other young journalists, like yourself, just trying to make it. And there is something very euphoric about that.

The idea of going back to South Dakota was also hard for me to grasp. I left SD for a reason, and I was afraid that going back meant a step backwards in my self development, meaning I was a failure. I never wanted to be someone who couldn't or didn't want to get out. I always felt that to really find out who I was I needed to leave behind everything I knew, and going back would be giving up on the quest. I would be a failure.

I was that the things I’ve learned about myself and the ways I grew in Idaho would disappear once I went back to a familiar setting. I was just scared.

What I couldn't forget, no matter how hard I tried, was that South Dakota was home. My friends and family are there, and I am attached to that place. I sometimes like to hide the fact that I really miss it there, but people in Idaho know the truth. They here me talk about it, and they can see how much I love SD, even though I don't admit it.

I knew that I wanted to go back to South Dakota at some point, but I never expected it to be 8 months after leaving.

I was stuck on this decision. How do you chose between a job in your home
state and a life somewhere else? I cried so much and denied signs that were pointing me to the truth. My friends told me to follow my heart, and I would say I didn't know what it was saying. Truth is, I wasn't listening.

On Jan. 6, I sat in church and was praying harder than I have in a long time when I realized something. If I left Idaho, I would be sad but I wouldn't regret it. If I stayed, I would regret not taking that job.

It took some time to realize that that was my heart talking, nothing else.

The next morning, I called Sherry and accepted the job. Second thoughts did cross my mind. When I was deep into covering the Legislature in Boise, I couldn't help but wonder if I was making the right decision. I thought about it again when I met a charming man who told me I was too talented with too good of principles to leave journalism. I took a step back when I saw the beautiful Idaho mountains from the top of a ski hill with some good friends.

But, every time I wondered my heart reminded me I was doing the right decision. I was taking a big step in my career life and was getting the chance to start all over in South Dakota.

What I've learned in the last few weeks is that I am not giving up and I am not a failure. I am taking a big chance and stepping way outside of my comfort zone. I am treading into a field that isn't as comfortable as journalism and I am going back to a changed town as a changed person. It won't be easy at all. Everything I left in South Dakota will be there when I return, the good and bad. I am gonna have to look my fears straight in the eyes and fight through them. Finding yourself is easy to do in a different place, but to go home and really look inside yourself is not easy. And I really think that going back will be harder than leaving. Yet, I can’t help but smile when I realize all of that will make me a better person in the long run.

Jan. 25 is my last day at the Journal and then I will load all of my stuff up and make the journey back to Brookings. I start my new job Feb. 4 and am excited and terrified at the same time. But no matter how scared I am, I know great things lie ahead for me.

For once, I am following my heart and there is nothing that makes me happier.

As much as I hate Dec. 31, I love Jan.1

Welcome to 2008. It's a new year, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this is going to be one heck of a year.

Already this year is going to have some major challenges. In seven days, I must decide if I want to continue a life in Pocatello or return to Brookings and start all over again. Whichever path I decide, I am going to make a lot of overdue changes to become the person I truly want to be.

Based on my life goals, dissatisfactions in my life and lessons learned in 2007, here are my resolutions for 2008:

- To only follow the will of God and my heart. Too many times I let my mind take control and usually I get burned, so I am only going to listen to those things that matter.

- Only let people into my life that prove they deserve to be there. I allow people to use me in an unappreciative way. I vow to only date and be friends with people who prove to me they love me and want to be a part of my life. I am only going to surround myself with people who make me a better person.

- Take care of myself. I feel that I haven't been doing a very good job of treating my body well. So I am going to exercise regularly and eat more healthy. I think those two things could add a lot of benefit to my life.

- Biting my nails. I have done this for so many years and it's so disgusting, but this year I am going to stop.

- Run a marathon. Running is the constant in my life, but I don't rely on it enough. I am going to finally complete a marathon, whether it's the Brookings Marathon or the Pocatello Marathon.

- Pray more.

- Worry less about things out of my control.

- Stop looking in the past.

- Find a guy who treats me the way I deserve.

- Learn to cook.

- Take up painting.

- Write more.

- Take up yoga.

- Take more pictures.

- Send more letters.

- Gossip less.

- Read more.

- Get healthy amounts of sleep.

- Take more weekend trips.

- Be financially fit.

- Value the people most important in my life.

- Recycle more.

- Volunteer.

These are my resolutions. I am not good at sticking to resolutions, but I feel this year I can. Here's to a new year!

The year that was and the year that will be

Tomorrow is the last day of 2007, and with one of the biggest decisions of my life constantly absorbing my thoughts, I thought it was time to blog, if only to clear my mind.

The start of the year was rather lame. I was with Elissa and Mike, and the three of us wallowed in our singlehood and it put a damper on the evening. However, I later realized I was so blessed to be where I was.

The first few months of the year were a whirlwind, like that entire academic year. A major story caused a major stress in my life, that at one time I thought I was being attacked for the words I wrote. It eventually all blew over and it is one of my favorite stories to tell.

All of my interest in school and work kinda took a nosedive and graduation day became my biggest priority. All I had to do was get by until that day. Looking for a job because the 900 lb gorilla of my life, and the j-word could bring me to tears. I decided on sports writing and was set on getting away as far as I could.

One day, I got an email from a Mr. Tim Flagstad. He said he had a job opening and thought I would be a worthy canididate. I had applied for a few other things, but something seemed right about this. I had an interview and then another, and soon Idaho looked like it could become home.

I'll never forget the day Tim called me. I was in Minneaplois having lunch at a Chilli's. I excused myself when I saw his number and went outside to talk to him. He unofficially offered me the job, and I knew from that point on my life was going to change drastically. When I went back inside, my mother said she never saw me eat so fast. This was it.

That Monday he officially offered me the job, and gave me a few days to think about it. I drove to Elkton that night to clear my head, called my parents and cried. Scott was the first person I told that I was taking the job. Then sitting in the Union, I called Tim and accepted. I went downstairs to the Collegian and told everyone I had a job. As they hugged me, I wanted to throw up because I was so nervous about the upcoming months.

Two weeks after graduation, I packed everything up and moved to Pocatello. I left Brookings on a Thursday and all of my friends threw me a going away party, Scott's doing. We drank the night away, and I had no idea how hard it would be to leave the next day. I couldn't sleep that night, I just cried. I cried when my room was empty. I cried when I looked into Scott's eyes for the last time. I cried when I saw the Campenile in the rear view mirror. I cried when I read a letter from Elissa saying that although our New Year's sucked, we were together. That wouldn't be the case anymore.

I spent the night in Pierre, and it wasn't any easier to say goodbye there. The next day, I headed west not knowing what I was going to find.

So much has happened in the last seven months. I started in sports and realized I wasn't really good at that at all, and took the opportunity to move to news when it came. I am not anywhere near the journalist I thought it was or the journalist I want to be. I had to learn a lot of hard lessons, but through my job, I have got to experience so much.

Moving away was much harder than I ever expected. I cried a lot for the first few days. I missed home more than I thought was possible and I couldn't believe I ended up in Idaho of all places. The summer was so hard for me. I've never felt so alone.

But things began to change, and soon Idaho became a good thing. Moving to the news side helped that a lot. I am so much happier covering city council meetings and other random assignments than basketball and volleygames. I know that sounds weird, but that is just who I am.

Scott was another factor to my unhappiness. I met him back in March and never wanted anything serious. He fell fast, and the day after I graduated, he told me loved me. I said it back, but I didn't mean it. I think I did love him at that point, but I wouldn't let myself because I was going to end our relationship in a few weeks. Well, that was my intent, but it didn't happen. We tried the distance thing for five months and then we just couldn't do it anymore. Scott and I were too different, and with 1800 miles between us, we were destine to die. The sad part of this whole thing is the way he treated me in the last few months of our relationship and since we've been broken up. As much as I hate it, I still, and will always, have feelings for him, like any other of my exboyfriends. But his behavior and lies have killed any chance we had at being friends. He is not a nice person, and although I ended it, he broke my heart. I am happy not to be with him because he wouldn't treat me the way I deserve. I don't cry daily anymore because of him, and nothing is better than that.

The other key to finding peace in Idaho is the friends I've made. We have created this little group and we spend several nights a week playing games, having drinks or just enjoying each other's company. It's funny how things work out. I can relate to this group of people better than many of my friends. They have made long day bearable and life pretty darn good. No matter what happens, I'll never forget these people.

I thought 2007 would be one of the most eventful years of my life, and it was: visitng the Dominican Republic, writing a story that made a difference, falling in and out of love, moving two states away, joining the workforce, leaving all my friends and family behind, graduating, learning to live in the real word, realizing who are friends and who are note and growing as a person. But 2008 already promises to be just as eventful.

While I was in S.Dak, I was offered a job that I didn't apply for. It's a great job with the SDSU Foundation working underneath Sherry Bordywck. It's more money, but it means that I have to go back to a town I already left. She's given me until Jan. 7 to make a decision. So, in a month, I could very well be moving back to South Dakota. I just don't know what I will do.

I am traveling to the Virgin Islands in Feb. and plan on running a marathon in May.

As I say goodbye to 2007, I am more or less scared of what 2008 will bring, but I know that after this year, I can handle anything.

That is all I got for now, but I am sure there will be more updates as Jan. 7 approaches.


P.S.

In my last post I wrote that I was going to update this more, and of course, I failed. Christi was quick to point that out when I saw her last, so that is on my New Years Resolution list. I am gonna try, but I am not making any promises :)

And the sun will set for you

I suppose that I have failed my goal of updating this on a regular basis. Oh well. Now, I will update all the three people that read this – while pouring my heart out in words – on my latest life changes and revelations.

It wasn’t really a secret that I was unhappy in my previous posts. My life seemed dull, without potential to change. So I began to think about where the sources of my unhappiness were and I decided to change it.

Well, I guess that sounds brave and confident but the recent major changes in life kind of just happened. I didn’t plan them but they were things that needed to change. First was the break up.

Scott and I were having rough patches lately. I cried everyday for a month before I realized I just couldn’t cry anymore. Our relationship started out so beautiful. We both didn’t plan to fall in love, but we did. We didn’t know why that loved existed, but it did. So we went with it and hung on to this great potential in our relationship. He was always the stronger one, and I needed his reassurance to keep going. One day, he couldn’t reassure me anymore. He didn’t know what he wanted, and I sure as hell didn’t know. He told me he wanted me to wait while he decided whether or not our relationship had a future. I thought that had already been decided when he said I was the one, but I’ve been wrong before. I tried to wait, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted a commitment from him, and I couldn’t wait knowing there was a good chance I would be holding on for nothing at all.

Foolishly, I thought the solution was to walk away. If I left his life, he would realize how much I meant to him and that he wanted me in it forever. Stupid me. He didn’t come after me, and I really should have known that.

At first, I was satisfied with this decision, almost happy. I didn't cry every day anymore. Then misery sank in and I began to long for him. My friends and family gave me 100 reasons not to think about him, but I could think of 101 reasons to think of him. Soon, my mind took control of the situation. It convinced me that he probably missed me too but couldn’t call me because I was the one who broke it off. If I only I were to call him, he and I could discuss things and decide we wanted to take on the differences and be together. Again, foolish me.

I called and he ignored my call. I left a message, and no surprise, it wasn’t returned. Later that evening, he made some proclamation about having a date. I was torn up. How could this be? How could the man that I left already moved on to someone else? I took the phone call and proclamation as signs, and hints, to just move and force myself that the beauty of that relationship was dead.

It hasn’t been easy at all, actually. When I feel myself slipping into the consuming thoughts, I play Over You and sing to it loudly. My mind gets away from me and I think that he really misses me, but painfully, I am reminded that relationship was never going to work. And that is what hurts the most.

He unblocked me from msn the other day, only for me to find another proclomation about him going on a date. I don't know if he wants me to see that or not. I don't know if he is trying to hurt me or not. I just know that if I was going on a date that I would never put it up on facebook or msn because I know he may find and I don't want to hurt him. I remember that when he first asked me out, I wanted to show my excitement about it but didn't because I know there was people I would hurt with it.

What really bothers me is that if he is trying to hurt me why doesn't he just talk to me and yell at me. I hate that he ignores me, probably why he does it. He said he wanted us to still be friends, and I was really for it, but after this I am not sure if that will be possible. I am going to try one more time to talk to him, but at this point I am not sure if he deserves my attention.

I guess my biggest problem with all of this is that I am letting him get to me. If he was worth all this pain, he wouldn't be treating me like this. One of my friends told me I was too special to be treated like this and that the right guy would never try to do this to me. I just need to let it go.

The thick silver lining to all of this is that I’ve learned a lot from this relationship, probably more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve had to point out what I did wrong and what I need to work on before I find Mr. Right. But hopefully, whoever he is, is also figuring out his relationship weaknesses and working on them. Scott wasn’t willing to do that, one reason we didn’t last.

What makes this interesting is that I inquired about a few jobs back in South Dakota so that I could move back and fix this with him. Funny, I bet he never looked for a job in Idaho. I got one offer, but turned it down. I would’ve had to move home right away, and I wasn’t quite willing. Another, I just interviewed for. This would be a job I would move home for, but I am not sure right now.

Reason – I have a new job. Recently, I switched over to the news desk from sports. After three days, I already like it better. Yeah, the content is dry and the writing isn’t as creative, but I am writing about things I care about and I feel like I am doing the Lord’s work. Going to work doesn’t suck so bad anymore.

All these changes has brought a lot of thinking. After the breakup with Scott, I needed to experience something and do something that will allow me to forget this mess, so I went to San Francisco. I met some pretty amazing and uplifting people there, but mostly I realized that I need to be happy with who I am and where I am at. If I am not, then I will be moving from job to job, state to state and boyfriend to boyfriend. But if I become happy, the right job, place and man will fall into place. That is my life goal at the moment and I am trying to fulfill it out.

My man situtation is kinda odd. I want to date, but I don't think that I am in a good place for a relationship right now, however, I am never opposed to it. To quote Fergi: "Me and myself, we have some figuring out to do." I am keeping my eye open, but after Scott, I know I have to work on a few things before getting into another serious relationship. There is this guy Jaimee who apparently is infatuated with me. I've only talked to him twice, but I guess he asks about me all the time. My friends Joe and Jolene are set on hooking me up with him, but I am not sure if he is really my type. Either way, Jolene promises me she will find me a hot guy, which is fine by me :)

It's funny because I believe in true love more than ever. I believe that it doesn't have to be this hard, and that crying everyday is not healthy. I really do think Mr. Right is out there, he just will come when the time is right.

Another ephimay I had was that Idaho isn’t so bad. There are some pretty incredible people here, and I starting to find a social life. Gasp! These faces of Idaho are helping me realize I can be happy, I just have to be open to it.

I am really starting to learn myself and be more confident in myself. One huge step is that I can look myself in the mirror and say that I am beautiful. I am trying to be more confident and flirtacious. I am learning to find peace and not let my mind take control. I still have a lot of growing up to do but it is all coming together.

I plan on taking another adventure soon. I am gonna go to the Virgin Islands with a few friends to visit Brandon. It will be pretty amazing. I really don't have the money but these are my best friends and I owe Brandon a visit.

So that is my crazy life. I really plan to update you more. Promise.

God Bless

The 23rd Revolution

Yesterday, I turned 23. Today, I am living with being 23.

My birthday was a bit muffled from my trip back to South Dakota that I kind of forgot about it until it actually happened. I was so excited about the visit and then I dealt with the pain of coming back, so my birthday was lost.
All and all, it was a good day. A weird day, but good.

I love birthdays, because it is my day to be reminded how loved I am. Yesterday, I was reminded, and reminded well. I did my best to avoid the crappy thinking that I usually let ruin good things in my life, but it did make its presence known.

The first time I almost lost it was when I was at a restaurant talking to Scott. We hung up because we can't usually talk very long because of our difference in phone plans. I sat there, eating my food, and was reminded that I was eating my birthday dinner alone. That hurt.

The other time was when I was driving back to the office from a volleyball game. I was listening to my Collegian friends sing me Happy Birthday. Then I relistened to my many messages from the day and heard one from my mom singing to me. All I wanted to do was hug her.

So here I am, 23 and in Idaho.

When I went back to S.Dak this weekend, it felt odd. It was like I took a step back in time. Nothing seemed different, but I felt different. The people I saw were glad to see me and greeted me with hugs, but I knew they didn't understand the tears I've shed and how everyday I wish I could see them. It's funny, because I did feel out of place but comforted at times. It was nice to walk around and see the SDSU logo again, like it's a symbol of my past. I guess it is.

It was great to see my family and friends again, but I know their lives don't stop because I am not there. Somedays, I long to go back home, but this weekend, I realized it's not easy. One of my friends is trying to adjust back to the Brookings life before he fully adjusted to life away from it. He is in this parallel and don't know what to do to break it.

Now, on the day after my 23rd birthday and still dealing with the pain of leaving home, I need to really begin looking at what I want from life. The Idaho situation is one I must embrace and that comes back to attitude again. I need to make the most of this instead of pining for home. I will go home again, I just need time to sort things out.


That's all the rambling I can do for now.

Leave Idaho

The other day a friend of mine posted "Leave Idaho" on my Facebook wall. The next another did the same thing. I look at those works and think if only.

This weekend I am exceptionally emotional. Why? It's Hobo Days. Sure, it involves a lot of drinking which eludes to crowded bars and stupid people. The game is usually freezing and I actually never experienced a TREMENDOUS Hobo Day. Still, it's Hobo Day.

I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend. But I can't go home, not yet.

I came to Idaho for a reason, although I don't think I quite understood that reason at the time nor do I now. What I do know is that my purpose in Idaho is not fulfilled, yet.

See, I left college hoping Idaho would be the answer to all of my problems - that my life would easily fall into place. It hasn't, in fact, it's more screwed up than it has ever been. But that is OK. I am learning about myself and I am learning about the person I want to be, even thought I don’t have a clear picture of who that is.

I took this job thinking that I knew a lot about this profession and that I was going to go far. I don't think either of those thoughts anymore. (Side not: Julia Robert's Break Down Here just came on my iTunes. Fitting.) For a long time, I hated my job, I hated this town. I don't love either now, but I am learning to appreciate them. There is a glimpse of hope that I actually might have a future in writing.

Sports journalism, well, I am ready to give that up in a few years. I don't like it like I thought I would, and with every painful game coverage story I write, I realize why I do it. It's making me a better writer. It's a well-known fact that the best writers in journalism are in sports. And some of the world's best writers -- Ernest Hemmingway -- started as sports reporters. So I am going along with it as I develop into a better writer.

The other day, I looked at myself in the mirror and said "I am a writer." That thought never occurred to me. I always just considered myself a journalist, but more each day, I am realizing I want to be a writer. In what avenue? I have no clue, but I want to write. It's the only thing I ever been semi-good at.

These thoughts maybe hard for you to understand, but it's what I think everyday. Because until I feel comfortable as a writer, I can't leave Idaho. That creates a problem.

I miss my friends and family terribly, but they have their own lives. I know that if I come back in a year or two, they'll still love me. It's Scott I worry most about. You see, I have fallen deeply in love with a man 18 hours away. Everyday, all I want is to come home to him. Instead, our visits our two months a part and jammed packed with other things that we rarely get time together. We made a pact to be with each other by next May, but that is still a long ways away. I don't want to leave Idaho because I am not ready to, but I don't want to lose him.

So these thoughts occupy my mind so much, but we both said we would discuss it after a few months when we have a better idea of what we want to do.

Next week, I go home. I am excited but at the same time sacred. Some of my friends who promised me we would see each other are backing out and my time with Scott grows smaller each day. I just wish I had more time with him.

Anyways, this post is all over but that is fitting with my life these days. I do vow to post more often because it will help make me a better writer, but after phoners and gamers, the last thing I want to do is write. I will try better.

For now, God Bless.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

I had a horrible night at work, which is usually the norm these days. Anyways, when I got home I found this Web site in my mailbox. An unlikely source, my childhood best friend Heather, sent this to me. It's funny, I haven't seen her in years and yet sometimes I think we still know each other like we did when we were 6. This message was exactly what I needed on a day like this, or in my life at this point. Hope you enjoy!


http://www.eightprinciples.com

The goals

I have decided to put up a picture each time a post

so here is one of Scott and I in Poky.

I know that it may seem rather odd that I am posting so soon after another blog but I decided to make a list of goals and put them on my blog. So here is my lifetime goals.

Lifetime Goals

Run a marathon

Compete in the Ironman

Write a book

Visit all 50 states

Marry and start a family

Win a Pulitzer

Live the life God wants me to

Cover an Olympics

Be fluent in some language

Raise babies

Travel to Ireland, Austrailia, China, Alaska

Own a boat

Daily goals:

Pray more

Read more

Stop biting my nails

Appreciate life more

Value my friends and family

Stopy worring

Work harder

Swear less

Ok those are my goals. Maybe I'll update them as I go.

Missing all

(NOTE ABOUT THE PICTURE: Scott and I took this at the beach in Blackfoot. Not sure why, but I really like it.)

A few weeks before I moved to Idaho, a friend of mine told me I'd really appreciate South Dakota once I left. This friend had left the home state a few years earlier for the beauties of Florida. She told me that although the beaches are amazing, they'll never replace the glory of the plain state.

I knew she would be right, I just did know how right.

A couple of days ago, I made my first visit back to South Dakota. The first visit came a couple months earlier than expected and was a last minute decision. Basically, Scott had been planning a visit to potato land. He bought his ticket over a month ago, and was set to leave last Thursday. That morning he called and said his grandpa died and was unsure of what that meant for his trip. After four tear-filled back and forth hours and help from his wonderful sister-in-law, Lorienne, he was able to catch his flight that night but the trip would have to be cut a couple days short. My mother offered to pay for a ticket to go back with him for the funeral and I flew back on Sunday.

I was there only for two days, but as soon as we entered the state, I felt a deep sting in my stomach. I didn't want to leave again.

We spent most of the time in Milbank, but on Monday night we came back to Brookings. As we approached the town, I knew that once I saw a certain familiar shape in the skyline, I would lose it. And sure enough, once I saw the Campanile, I cried. As we drove through town, memories and tears swelled and I just lost it. Scott, who never really understands how to handle my over dramatic emotions, sat confused. He gave me a hug once we got to his place, but I don't think he could really understand how much I miss South Dakota. And him.

Leaving SD was something I have wanted to do for years, and now that I finally did it, it lacks all of the glamour I had envisioned. I am broke and lonely. Some days, I am full of ambition and hope, wanting to make a good life. And other days, I can't get out of bed and life seems mute.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who lives in Nashville, and we were discussing his future plans. He hopes to go back to SD to gain more experience in his profession. Then we started debating whether we really missed SD or just college.

Each day, I try to make the most out of my life in Idaho. And really, things aren't as bad I portray them in the paragraphs above. But sometimes, they feel that way. Life will get better, I know it will. This is a transition and a hurdle. I have said this before, and I will say it again, attitude makes a big difference. So I will pray and put on a better attitude, knowing that life will get better. I just have to make it happen.

Since I haven't blogged in a while I will do mini-updates in my life for all those deeply interested (all of two readers).

JOB

The job is an up and down basis. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. Some days I think I am getting it, some days I feel like I don't have a clue in the world. I know there is vast room for improvement, I just feel like I don't know how to improve. I guess improvement comes with time, and I need to be patient, but I just want to be better. My work load will drastically increase in a couple of weeks once the fall sports start. I am pretty sure that I will be handling mostly volleyball and cross country, with sprinkles of football.

My coworkers are good people, who I have learned a lot from. One of them, Dan, has become my movie buddy. I think he appreciates me being a woman so he has someone who will give him female advice. Tim, Kellis and Joe are also fun guys, though there aren't many other females at work I interact with. The paper just hired a new Web editor, and she seems very nice.

APARTMENT

My financial situation sucks, so I decided to get a roommate. I found a nice ISU student, Annabel, on a Web site. She is currently in Wisconsin, but will be moving back to Idaho in a few weeks. It will be very nice to have someone else's company, and split bills.

VISITORS

Amy and Faith visited me a couple of weeks ago, and it was exactly what I needed. We drank wine, ate chocolate, and had good old fashioned girl talk. We even went dancing at Charlies. It was a wonderful time. Scott was just here, and it was perfect. We went to the lake, miniature golfing and a few movies. Mostly, we spent time with each other. In a few weeks, my family is coming. I couldn't be more excited. My parents and both my brothers are coming, so I am excited to see them.

SCOTT

Long-distance relationships suck, and after all the depression and anxiety that I went through with Bryan, I vowed not enter in to another. Oh, but Scott Mueller is worth it. We talk on the phone everyday, and sometimes it's not pleasant conversations. But we love each other so much that the fight is always worth it.

Scott is definitely a different type of boyfriend than I have had before. He doesn't fall to my every want and need, and he doesn't put up with my crap. I feel my self start to develop habits and feelings that I had in past relationships, things that drove me and that person apart, but I try to snap out of it quicker. I want this to work, so I try to relax more and not let my insecurities and jealousy ruin our relationship. He is a wonderful man, and I hope someday in the near future, we'll live in the same town again.

I met his family at the funeral this week, and there were amazing. Meeting the family is always nerve raking, and usually I hit it off with them, but Scott's family was different. It felt more natural.

OK, so there is a quick update. I will do my best to keep this updated more, but sometimes with my job, the last thing I want to do is write.

God Bless to all.

Attitude

I fee like a pregnant woman.

No, I am not pregnant, but my emotions could be compared to that of a woman in her third trimester. What and see:

People always say how good college is, but they quite explain to you how hard it is to leave that lifestyle behind. How to move on and be adult in a world where everyone expects so much from you. Why didn't they teach me this in college?

I knew coming out to Idaho would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Part of the problem is my attitude. It's hard to get out of bed and do things that I usually love to do like running. I hate running here. And when I meet someone new, all I can think about is that these people will never compare to my real friends back in Brookings. That is attitude is what makes me cry at night.

The job is ok. There is the potential for me to be good at my job, but I just can't seem to do things right. I don't write like I normally do and I just can't think clearly.

It still hasn't sunk in that I am not going anywhere in the fall. I will be here. I won't see the beautiful fall colors against the Campanile and I won't ring my blue bell at a Jacks first down. Nope. I will be in Poky, and that thought brings me to tears.

The people here are nice, but making friends takes time. I don't feel like myself. I feel like a stranger who is trying to do the best she can but can't quite seem to make it.

I had planned that Idaho would help me discover who I am but I didn't know it would be painful. Jeremy once warned me that self-discover is tough because you learn things about yourself you don't like and you have to be willing to go outside the comfort zone to change that.

Life right now is rough, but then I have moments of sunshine that tell me I am doing ok. I know God would not have put me here if he didn't think I could handle it. I pray for strength everyday, and He gives it to me. I just don't use it right.

Anyways, this is all over the place but I just needed to say something to someone. Sorry that you caught me on a "bad attitude day," as I call it.

God Bless all.

Greetings from Idaho

So I guess a lot has happened since my last post. In the month of May, I: left Daktronics, graduated college, signed a lease for a new apartment, watched one of my best friends marry the love of her life, said goodbye to the people I love the most, moved two states away and started my first job in the real world. Big changes!

My last week was absolutely perfect. I had lunches with wonderful friends, spent three pitchers pouring my heart out to a close friend and danced the night away at Danny's Lounge with some of the best people that I know. My last night in Brookings ended with a surprise party that my wonderful boyfriend and friends threw for me. It was absolutely amazing and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my last night in Brookings other than with the people that make it so special.

Then came Friday-- the day I had been dreading for two months. I packed up the car, said my last goodbyes and headed down Highway 14 for the last time. I cried a lot that day. In my empty room, in Scott's arms, hugging Gianna as I said goodbye, taking one last, long look at the Campanile.

When I got to Pierre, I was just confused and emotional mess. But my mom wanted my last night in South Dakota to be special so she surprised me by inviting all of my friends in Pierre over for a BBQ. That was a lot of fun, and then we to Zesto and to the pool so Paula could do an errand. Being at the Pierre City Pool was like putting my life in perspective. It was good to see that place one last time, like a visual to the end of an era.

My mom and I drove the 14 hours to Poky the next day. My stomach started tying up in knots once we hit Rapid. I cried a few times when I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my mom following me. It hurt to know she won't be physically behind me anymore.

The next few days were a blur. I was mostly cranky because it started to sink that this my new home and wasn't sure how I felt about that. Then money issues started to occupy my thoughts and I just wanted to cry every moment. Life got a bit better after I bought some furniture and a couple of friends from home called. I started to feel better about things and my apartment slowly began to feel like home.

Then I started work. The first day was awkward, but that is to be expected for a first day. But by the second day, everything felt right. I began to get that feeling in my stomach then creeps into my veins and eventually giving me goosebumps. It's my journalism high.

Friday was a bad day. My mom left that day. The loneliness started to take over, and I felt defeated at the end of the night. Scott tried to bring my spirits up, but I still wanted to stay in bed for a few days.

My social life has been one of the hardest adjustments for me. It's hard going to the grocery store or a bar and not seeing one familiar face. And it rots my stomach knowing that I can't just call a friend to watch a movie or have lunch. But Saturday night a couple of guys from work invited me to their favorite bar after work. I met more people that, and even experienced my first gay bar! It was a good night and it definetly put me it a better mood.

Everyone was curious as to what would happen when I left with Scott and I. It was a really hard decision and something I thought about a long time. The decision came down to our last final moments together and we decided that we care too much about each other not to try. So we are trying. It isn't easy, and sometimes I hate it so much I scream, but that man makes me crazy and he is worth it. He is coming to visit and I absoulty can't wait.

I had the last couple of days off and I am ready to go back to work because I really don't have much to do. My mood changes each day. Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am sad and lonely. But overall things are getting better. I do wish I would meet more people, but I haven't found the best way to do that. Hopefully, it will come.

I still miss home a lot, but things are feeling more familiar here. I went for a hike the other day, and I realized how blessed I was to be able to enjoy the beautiful mountains here.

Oh but I guess I have to take it one day at a time and trust God that he wouldn't have put me in a situation I couldn't handle.

I am going to leave you with a few differences between South Dakota and Idaho.

Until next time.

South Dakota vs. Idaho

1. Instead of Catholic of Lutheran Churches on every corner there are Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints synagogues.

2. Everyone is married.

3. They REALLY like potatoes.

4. Every woman is pregnant.

5. This is a college town, but most people seem older.

6. There fast food options are quite different than ours.

That is really the jist of it. They are actually very similar states.