The Olympics

My father and brother swear by baseball. Each year, they eagerly await the day that pitchers and catchers report to spring training. Their enthusiasm doesn’t wane much through the long summer days and the ups and downs each team endures. But once October hits, the post-season month, their love for baseball hits its peak, especially if their team is a World Series contender. If you love baseball, you love October.

Men around the country practically put their entire lives on hold every Sunday from August through January. The NFL captures Americans unlike anything else in this country. Grown men cry when the Jets beat the Giants and wear plastic hats in the shape of cheese when the Vikings host the Packers. Sports bars around the country are packed each Sunday with several televisions featuring a different game. For some, football is life.

I enjoy a good football game every now and then and the Minnesota Twins have my attention during the MLB season, but only one athletic competition has captured me into a true sports fanatic.

During the summer of 1996, I was eleven years old, an age where dreams have no limits and still seemed accomplishable. At that time, it was my dream to be an Olympian. I was spending close to three hours in the pool, with motivation fueled by my Olympic dream. I began to idolize Jenny Thompson and Janet Evans, despite the fact that my times couldn’t even earn me a berth to the South Dakota State Swim Meet.

The Olympic dream was inspired by the anticipation of that summer’s games in Atlanta, Geo. It was beginning of my love for the Olympic games.

Each day, after my noon practice, I would race home, greet the television and spend the afternoon watching the world’s top athletes compete for a piece of gold. At the time, I stuck with more popular sports swimming, track and field and gymnastics, but athletes from various sports motivated me to be something more than I actually could be. I teared up when the yellow-cubed clocked flashed a 19.32 and sprinter Michael Johnson set a new 200-meter world record in his gold Nikes. I swam my breast stroke sets without goggles, because that is what Olympian Amanda Beard did. And I held my breath with the rest of the world when gymnast Kerry Strug landed the vault on one foot and won U.S.’s first women’s gymnastics team gold.

In school that year, I covered my desk in pictures of Janet Evans, Michael Johnson and Dominique Moceanu.

From that games on, I have been addicted. The summer games hold a bigger piece of my heart, but Shaun White and downhill skiing give me reason to watch the winter games. During each summer games, I’ve tried to take in more of the Olympics as my dream to be an Olympian faded.

In 2000 in Sydney, a fifteen-year-old swimmer struck a particular cord with me. He was my age in my sport, and I was intrigued. He didn’t take home a medal, but I knew there was something special about him. As my swim teammates gushed over Aussi Ian Thorpe, I told them to watch out. “Michael Phelps is going to be amazing someday,” I proclaimed. And, well, I was right.

In 2004, I cheered as Phelps won eight medals, six gold and started on his quest to be the best swimmer of all time. Last year, at the World Championships, Phelps won seven gold medals. I protested the significance to my editor and was able to give Phelps a small spot on our front page. It was on the rail, but I happy to see a color photo of my teenage-idol in my newspaper.

This year, the entire world is watching Phelps try accomplish to hefty goals – become the most decorated Olympian of all time and win a record eight golds in one Olympics. Leading up to the games, I have devoured every TV spot, article and commercial featuring Phelps. Not am I only attracted to him, I am captivated with his work ethic, his focus, his determination.

Many claim that Phelps can’t do it and that he is overrated, but each race I am cheering for him. One article claimed Phelps to be the true definition of Olympian and I want that to reign through as he tries to complete his goals. Watching him chase his dreams has made me think about mine.

I look back and laugh at my dreams to be an Olympian. I never had a chance. But after watching two days of Beijing Olympic coverage, I realized there are other dreams I can accomplish. It’s time to put check marks next to those goals. I can’t explain where I will begin and what I will cross off first, but it’s time to accomplish dreams.

I will never compete in the Olympics, but it is my dream to attend the games. So, I have decided to start saving so I can be in London in 2012. I want to take it all in and feel all the passion around me just for instant. It will be a dream that I will cross off. Another one I hope to cross off is Michael Phelps. I’ll probably never marry him like I proclaim, but it’s my goal just to see him swim. Just once.

Fairytales

We all meet couples that we can’t help but envy. They seem so happy together, so in love that it mocks the single folks. They are so well matched that the greatest of cynics can’t help but feel a bit of jealousy.

They started dating in the early years of high school. He graduated a year ahead of her and went on to play college ball. She followed him. Their high school romance endured the awkward college transition years, and in their final year, he proposed. A few months after graduation, they were married and started a new life close to both their families.

I only know them by face and name, but lately I find myself imagining what their relationship was like. They probably were giddy teenagers in love and the object of jealousy for other high school girls. He probably took her to dances and she probably cheered his name proudly at games. Even in high school, their friends probably guessed they would eventually get married. They probably did too.

Then they took their relationship into a different world during college. Maybe at times it wasn’t easy. Maybe he was enticed by the buffet of college girls and wonder what life would be like as a single man.

She may have let her eye wander a time or two as new people came into her life. Or maybe she was ready to settle down with him and frustrated that he may never want to take their relationship to the next level.

Maybe they fought and sometimes doubted if their love would actually work. Maybe they weren’t sure if they could persevere through all the changes and self discovery that comes with college. They’ve may even took a break at one point during their relationship.

Or maybe, they never doubted. Maybe they always knew that they would spend the rest of eternity together. They may have never thought anyone else could compare.

Whatever bumps and bruises their relationship endured, it wasn’t enough to break it. One summer night, they stood before God, family and friends and planned to be together as long as they both shall live. I’ve seen pictures of this event, and he wore that look in his eyes – the look that told the world he was the happiest man on the planet.

They might have been made for each other, but they were not destined to spend forever together. Just about two weeks before their one-year anniversary, the man was tragically killed in an accident. This perfect couple didn’t even have a year at marriage.

This was two great people who wanted nothing more than to be with each other, and they didn’t get that. They only had 11 months, and now that poor girl must rebuild her entire life.

At times like this, it’s hard to believe in fairytales. When you see two people ripped at the seams like that, even a stranger can’t help but shed a few tears. It breaks the heart.

Although nothing that heartbreaking has ever happened to me, the only thing I can conclude is that everything does happen for a reason. We may not know answers, but we know the lessons. We can’t change life’s unfairness, we just have to accept it.

When tragedy does strike, all we can remember is the blessings we had. Maybe fairytales are real. They might not last forever, but they have shining moments, even if those moments only last 11 months.

Mission Statements

Companies and organizations use mission statements to promote their purpose. It's their identification, their reason for existence.

At work, I am part of a committee that is dedicated to finding a mission statement for our organization. I have poured of several mission statements, depicting each word and phrase. I have broken down what our organization actually does and why we are an important entity.

Yesterday, I took a walk around campus to truly understand my our organization. I stopped at different buildings, hoping their presence would shed light some light on my task. I examined people that I passed, hoping to find meaning in their faces. At the end of my walk, it hit me. I realized what we were about and why we do what we do. I headed back to the office and presented my realizations to the group. We hammered out a mission statement and sent an email to our CEO, explaining each word.

Mission statements are an everlasting guiding light. They remind us of our purpose when we have lost of sight of it. They keep us moving forward when it seems so much is keeping us still. Companies and organizations are almost chaotic without one.

So why shouldn't our lives have mission statements, a reminder of why we are really here on this earth? I have decided to write a mission statement for my life. It will be my guide when I come to a cross roads and maybe it will help figure out what the heck I want to do with my life.

I think I am gonna play around with this for a few weeks and let you know how it goes. I need to really look at what's important to me and how I want to live my life. So much is coming to me right now that I am not sure I can verbalize it all. With that, I am gonna start thinking about this and, hopefully soon, I will have a mission for my-so-called life

Election Madness

With a black man and white woman facing off each day for the Democratic Party nod, the 2008 presidential election will be an exciting chapter in future U.S. history classes. Not only has the race for America’s top job expanded its usual race and gender, more Americans than ever are deeply interested in the outcome. And rightfully so with two on-going wars, an economy that gets worse by the day, an environment that is stretched to its limit, several foreign enemies and eight previous years of awfulness.

This election will also have a specific imprint on South Dakota’s history, because for once, our voice matters. South Dakota is one of the last state’s to host both its Republican and Democratic primaries. Usually, both parties have selected their go-to-guy (or in this case, woman) and have turned their attention towards November. But not this year.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are still waging daily wars for the Democratic nomination. Although Obama leads in delegates and the popular vote, he hasn’t clinched the nomination and Clinton refuses to give up. Most people are fed up with this race and a ready to move on, but South Dakotans are enjoying their moment in the spotlight.

Leading up to tomorrow’s primary, at least one of the Clintons – Hillary, Bill, Chelsea – have been campaigning in South Dakota. Obama has also made several stops throughout the major regions of the state. It’s not very often that our little state receives so much attention from a presidential candidate, or the national media, and frankly, it’s pretty cool.

Until the last few weeks, I have paid some but not much attention to the election. I had an extremely general idea of where each candidate stood, but for the most part, I was out of the loop. I tried to change that when the focus to turned to South Dakota. I was unable to make Clinton’s or Obama’s first stops to South Dakota. I did watch both speeches online and was more intrigued by Clinton’s policies and promises.

I had the opportunity to see Hillary in Brookings a few weeks ago, but because PR is often more important than true public service, I didn’t actually get to see her. They hosted her in an aluminum shed, about 400 yards from my sophomore on-campus apartment. Roughly 200 people were able to squeeze into this shed, while another 150 tried to get a glimpse of her from the outside. Lee and I didn’t plan accordingly so we were in the back and unable to see or hear anything.

I also made plans to see Bill and Chelsea in Flandrea, about 20 minutes south of Brookings this week, but those fell through when my brother came to visit.

On Sunday, I had one last opportunity to see Obama in Mitchell but wasn’t sure I was going to make the two-hour drive, until my father called. “This might be your only opportunity to see the next president of the United States,” he said. I took his advice and invited a friend along. The trip was an absolute success. I sat five feet away from him, shook his hand, received a hearty “Thank you” and smile from him and even got his autograph. I met some great Obama supporters and got a good close up of the unbelievably cute secret service men. Most importantly his speech was so incredibly inspiring that I got goosebumps. I truly believe that he is the man with plan. There is something so magnetic about him that you just believe he can change the nation.

Unfortunately, tomorrow is the primary and I cannot vote. South Dakota has closed primaries, and independent, that leaves me out. Some have asked me why I didn’t just change my party, but that would go against my morals. I refuse to belong to either party and would rather sit this primary out then associate myself to an elephant or a donkey.

Instead, I will encourage my fellow South Dakotas who can vote to make the choice they feel is right. No matter who wins tomorrow, Obama or Clinton, I will support him or her into November.

Around the 5th minute, you can see me


The Man with the Plan



Beck and I getting ready to see the future President of the United States of America

Ha ha

I think one of my most notable personality traits is that I like to laugh, a lot. I laugh when I am scared, tired, angry, hurt, stressed, anxious, happy and any other time in between. Some people might think that is annoying, I think it's a good way to look at life. And it's also healthy. Long live the good joke.

We all want to change the world

I just finished watching Part 1 of a Bob Dylan documentary, "No Direction Home." I will not pretend that I know anything about Bob Dylan or am even a big fan of the man they call "the best song writer of all time." Yet, I was utterly fascinated about the first part of his life. He was the 20-year-old who wrote simple ballads that changed people's lives.

Part 1 was dedicated to Dylan's beginning, his adventure from a small Minnesotan town to the big stage with the big recording deal. Dylan discussed his musical influences and how he wrote what he was feeling at that time. Nothing more, nothing less.

At first I couldn't understand what it was about him that captivated me. As I drove home from my friend's house, I flipped through the radio. In the few minutes it took to get back to my apartment, I stopped on an advice radio show, a class rock station, a pop station and a country station. Then different scents, the lilacs in their prim sprouting and the smoke from a nearby backyard fire, caught my attention and drifted it else where. Then a glance to the star-speckled sky brought on a whole other set of emotions and feelings.

Then it hit me. Bob Dylan knew music was his life, and that is all he ever knew. Me, I can't tell you what I want to do tomorrow, let alone what will be the meaning of my life. But Dylan did what made him happy, even though the odds where against him at times.

Each day, I am learning to do only the things that make me happy. I will never leave the legacy Bob Dylan did, but I hope to one say I lived for my passion the way he did.

A year later

This post has been marinating my head for weeks, but I needed the right set of emotions and enough time to give it justice. I guess Saturday mornings are my prime blogging time. This post will probably be all over the place because I am writing what my heart and mind say. I am working through these issues as I write them, so be warned.

The other day I realized that it’s my friend’s birthday tomorrow. He will be 22. Usually, I would make a mental note to wish him happy birthday, but this little reminder stopped me. His 21st birthday happened to fall on my last night in Brookings, my going away party. The next day, I said goodbye to Scott with the intentions to try the long-distance thing and drove to Pierre. A day later I was west bound to a new life.

The last few weeks have been filled with similar “oh, how life has changed” moments, and each one stings like a punch in the mouth. But what bothers me the most is that I am not sure why it’s so painful.

I don’t have any regrets about moving back to Brookings. I honestly love my job and actually feel good at it, feelings I didn’t have at the Journal. I enjoy my coworkers and am proud to be involved in such a significant moment in SDSU’s history.

I’ve come to realize that reporting isn’t for me, and I highly doubt that I’ll ever go back. I am having this mini-career crisis (I will post more about that when I feel comfortable to talk about it) and have started to look at the next step in my life and thereafter. Although I see writing intertwined in my future, I don’t see reporting.

I’ve written a few stories for work, and it painfully reminds that me I am not cut out to be a reporter. I am not happy doing it anymore, and the thought of covering the big story for the big paper is no longer a turn on.

At times, living in Brookings really isn’t easy, especially for a 23-year-old professional. I am not a student, but I also don’t feel like a member of the community. I just fall through the cracks and can’t seem to my footing. Still, there is something about this community that is calming.

In Idaho, I had troubles finding a route to work. There were plenty of options, but each one depressed me about going to work. I would drive by worn down buildings or get stuck in after-school traffic. I hated the different stoplights, and the over pass. I hated the houses and I hated the other drivers. I thought that if I could find the right route, going to work wouldn’t be so bad. I never did find that route.

In Brookings, I have a straight shot from my apartment to work. In the mornings, it takes about seven minutes with the two stop lights and two four-way stops. Lately, I have started riding my bike and it takes the same amount of time. This route includes some nice houses, lots of trees and the Campanile. I don’t get depressed about going to work.

What I am trying to say in this commuting example is that I don’t think I miss Idaho. Don’t get me wrong, I miss parts of Idaho. I miss my friends there so very much. There isn’t a weekend that goes by that I don’t long to have a game night with them or have a beer at Hooligans. Sometimes, when I had too many to drink, I get emotional about my Idaho friends like a girl would over an ex-boyfriend she is still in love with. I often daydream about them coming to Brookings and what would I show them and what we would do. They are the number one reason this move has been hard.

I also really miss being in the mountains. I had made plans to learn how to rock climb this summer, and I miss being able to go for a hike any day that I want. I still find stuff to do around here, but I do miss having that outdoor playground. And the mountain scenery, that is one thing that could calm me on my way to work.

But when I think about little things about my life in Idaho, like driving down Arthur or grocery shopping, I really don’t miss it. When you put my Idaho life and my Brookings life side by side, Brookings wins. I like my job better. I like my apartment better. I can run into my brother at any give moment and it doesn’t cost $400 to see my parents. I run more. I read more. I sleep better. I write more. I socialize more. I pray more.

So, then why can’t I get past these feelings that I am a failure? I’ve blogged before that in college I valued success with how far I could move away, and that theory is so deep that’s been really hard for me to change my way of thinking.

When I left for Idaho last year, I was so excited. I was finally doing something I’ve always wanted to do, leave South Dakota. I never thought about what life would be like once I actually got there. I didn’t bother to think that it might not be the place for me. I just expected Idaho to change everything. I put Idaho on this pedestal, never doubting if it should be there.

What I still have to remind people, and myself, is that I didn’t leave Idaho because I hated it. I left because I was given an opportunity to pursue another dream. If I never had lunch with Sherry or she didn’t make the offer, I would still be in Idaho working at the Journal. I would be enjoying time with my friends and living a pretty good life.

But God had a different plan. I know I am supposed to be here, even if I don’t understand why. I was meant to go to Idaho and work at the Journal, and then I was meant to move back and work here. And next year, I will follow another road intended for me.

Maybe these feelings are coming from the fact that I am staying still while everyone else is moving around me. One of my friends is moving to Montana and another to Iowa. Two of my close friends have possible job opportunities in North Dakota and many are talking about moving, weddings and babies. I’ve had so many life changing decisions the last year, and now that everyone else is getting the chance to change their life, I am a bit jealous. I just need to sit this round out and realize that I have a job most people would be glad to take.

When it comes down to it, I need to learn how to be happy in the now. I miss my friends in Idaho but I love being with my friends and family here and I love my job. I just need to stop being a baby and realize I have been dealt some pretty good cards in life.

No matter what I have just posted here, life is actually really good. Who knows, maybe in a year I will look back on this moment and long for these days. Knowing me, probably.

Coach

My career as a journalist was short lived, my stint in sports was even shorter, but some stories and subjects will always be with me. A few people struck me in a way that I can’t forget, even if they do, and I will forever feel privileged to tell a piece of their story.

I knew there was something unique about John Stieglemeier the first time I interviewed him. Although I can’t remember the story assignment, I remember meeting him for the first time. As a meek freshman journalism major, I called Stig and asked for a interview. He agreed and I arrived at his office promptly. My nerves got the best of me and my stomach tumbled as I waited for him in his dark office. This was a big deal, I mean, he was the head football coach.

As ten minutes passed, he still hadn’t arrived. I tried to imagine what he would be like. Stereotypically, I figured he would be a gruff man with a short temper and an arrogant tone.

I glanced at the clock, 20 minutes passed our scheduled meeting time. I would have
waited another 20 minutes and another 20 minutes based on how important this interview was, but something more important was happening 50 miles away in Sioux Falls: my then-boyfriend was going back to Iraq after a two-week leave.

Hurriedly, I wrote a note explaining that I had to leave and left my phone number to set up another appointment. I was barely out of the parking lot when Stig called me. He apologized profusely, saying he was meeting with another coach. I explained my situation, also apologizing, hoping he would grant me another chance to ask my questions.

“Go. That’s where you need to be,” he reassured me.

At that moment, I realized that Stig wasn’t your typical football coach. Four years later, after heart-wrenching losses and unexpected wins, Stig hasn’t convinced me otherwise.

Before my senior year, I was a sporadic Jackrabbit football fan. I enjoyed the occasional game for social reason mostly, and when I was introduced to tailgating glory, I rarely missed a game. Still, I couldn’t tell you the quarterback’s name.

Then, during my senior year, I wrote a few pre-season stories and met up with Stig again. He had a gleam in his eyes as he talked to me about playing as a family. For the same stories, his players told me they believed, better yet, they knew they were going to take the conference and beat rival North Dakota State.

Fat chance, I thought. There was no way in hell that would happen. It was, after all, SDSU’s third year in Division I and the Jacks finished fourth in the five-team conference the previous season. I guess it’s good to dream big, but that just makes the fall to reality that much harder, I thought.

After a roaring 0-3 start to the season, I chuckled to myself as I thought about Stig and his bright-eyed, bushy-tailed players who believed the conference championship wasn’t only in reach, but winnable. Again, no way in hell.

Then something remarkable happened that changed the entire season. The Jacks were 1-3 when they made the trek to Louisiana to face 16th-ranked McKneese. With five minutes remaining, McKneese had a solid 17-6 lead over SDSU. Still, Stig reminded his team he believed it could win. After a 46-yard Parker Douglas field goal and a 40-yard-touchdown pass to JaRon Harris that put the game 17-15, quarterback Andy Kardos told his coach he knew he could get the two-point conversion. Since Stig practices what he preaches, he believed him and gave the qb the chance. Kardos didn’t disappoint as the game tied. Another Douglas field goal and the win belonged to the Jacks.

Stories the next few days talked about belief and never backing down and, as a sucker for feel-good stories, I was more intrigued with Jackrabbit football than ever. After another win, the Jacks found themselves in a similar position against Cal Poly, the conference champs the season before. But belief struck again and the players started chanting “McKneese” as the Jacks fought from a deficit in the fourth quarter for a 29-28 win.

But it didn’t stop there. The next week, Hobo Day, fans started drifting out of Coughlin-Alumni Stadium as UC Davis grabbed a 21-7 lead before halftime. The Jacks pushed back, ending the third quarter 17-10, but it wasn’t enough for fans to continue enduring the cold and prolong the usual Hobo Day festivities. My friends left, but I stayed knowing, believing, it was about to get good, despite the score. As we watched, Brian Kimmes said to me: “That team believes they can win. They know this game is still theirs.”

Of course they won 22-21, and I was addicted to their belief. To have players who constantly believe they can win when numbers say otherwise is the product of fantastic coaching. With each comeback win, I became more fond of the Jacks and Stig. If he could convince these rowdy college football players they are capable of winning even though most believe they couldn’t, well, he had my support.

In those weeks, I read anything I could about the Jacks. The Argus had just hired a delightfully talented sports writer to cover the Jacks and I devoured anything that mentioned the team. When I first saw an article, I would skim it just to read Stig’s quotes, then going back to read the entire article. I was empowered by his optimism and faith, hoping they would predict the next Saturday’s game.

But the Jack’s belief trick didn’t uphold with every opponent. SDSU did make it to the conference championship game as did NDSU, and the state rivals squared off for each school’s first shot at a Division-I conference championship in the Fargodome, nonetheless. This time, once the Jacks got behind there was no returning and SDSU allowed the Bison to take the Dakota Marker and the conference championship.

The next day, I was a bit shocked at Stig’s remarks from the game. Instead of saying what everyone else was saying – a well fought match against tough opponents – he ripped his team saying they shouldn’t be happy at all of how the game ender. This surprised me because Stig was never one to come down on his players but he publicly shamed them after the season's biggest loss. I didn’t get that.

This past season, the Jacks had another rough start followed by a series of comeback wins. And this time, they did win the conference champion and the Dakota Marker, beat NDSU 29-24. Naturally, I read the next day’s story and Stig was proud, but not prideful. He was as graceful as a winner could be, crediting God and hardwork as key components. I wouldn’t have expected anything different from him.

This week, Stig was invited to speak at my office’s monthly meeting. He talked about approaching every situation as a team and always working as team. He talked about the belief he instills in his players, the same belief I imagine that ignited those comeback wins. He talked about giving a champion effort and always putting family first.

In his talk, he tried to relate his coaching techniques to the challenges we face at our office. He said that you have to ignore the skeptics and you must believe with every ounce you have that you can accomplish your goal.

He told us that average is not good enough, and that you can always do better. Right then, I remember his remarks after the NDSU game two years before and how hard he was on the team. Then it clicked. If he would have just said, “You know, that was good effort, guys,” the team wouldn’t have been thirsty for revenge, the Dakota Marker or the conference title.

Instead, they didn’t settle for average and kept believing they could beat NDSU and win the conference title, even when they were 0-4 on the season. They never stopped believing, and now the Dakota Marker and the Great West Conference Championship awards proudly sit in the SDSU trophy case.

After Stig’s speech, I went over to him and reintroduced myself as a former Collegian reporter. He remembered my face but not my name. I told him how much I’ve always enjoyed his message and thanked him for coming that day. He said it’s part of his job, but I’ve talked to enough football coaches to know that there aren’t very many John Stiegelmeiers in the world.

One of my coworkers, a former football player, later told me that Stig requires each player to participate in at least two community activities in order to letter. To me, that’s more impressive than even a national championship.

It’s a blessing and an honor to say that my favorite team is coached by a man who knows the game and knows there are more important things in life than the game and can combine those values and the field to produce a remarkable team.

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For the record, I believed the Jacks could beat the undefeated NDSU this past fall too. My coworkers mocked me when I said SDSU will win. I told them that to be a true Jackrabbit fan you must believe, and when you believe, they will win. It was sure nice to walk into work that evening and proclaim the score.

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Another note about our monthly meeting, I was chosen as May’s Act of Excellence awardee, meaning I was recognized for all of my hard work and dedication the last month. It’s a pretty neat thing, and I get a day off which I will be using when I visit Idaho this summer :)

A cry for help

I am currently at home on my lunch break and am browsing national news Web sites to see today’s headlines when I noticed something blogworthy.

The top story around the world is the 7.9 earthquake that struck China today, susceptibly killing thousands. Several counties are nearly destroyed in Sichuan Province and the death toll is expected to keep climbing as more bodies are found underneath rubble.

Another lead story on MSNBC is beginning of U.S. relief in Mynamar the site of a deadly cyclone. A week ago Saturday, another deadly storm ripped through the Asia Pacific, victimizing 2 million people. Currently, 100,000 people are reported dead or missing after the storm.

Below that story is a headline of another deadly storm. Tornadoes ripped through the plains and the south taking the lives of 23 people and leaving more communities in shambles.

Judging by these stories and the sound of roaring wind outside my apartment, Mother Nature is pissed about something.

I am a full believer that global warming is a serious issue facing our world and that something needs to be done NOW to stop it, but today’s headlines alone prove really what were up against in the fight against global warming.

I am not a scientist and can’t explain what role global warming played in recent storms, but the fact that so many deadly storms have it our planet so close together suggests that it is a factor. I just don’t have any other explanation for it.

Two years ago, we saw one of the most vibrant cities in America, New Orleans, become the poster child for disastor relief. That city was ripped apart at the seems and life still isn’t the same, and it may never be. Last summer, I watched thousands of acres burn down to the ground because of forest fires in the northwest. And each year, more and more tornadoes seem to leave an imprint than they did the summer before.

These major storms might not be affecting us here in South Dakota, but they affect our planent and they should be a scary wake up call that something is wrong. We might be on the oppositeside of the world and think it won’t happen here. But there is no telling when some system is going to rip through a region, killing several South Dakotans and wiping away our communities.

We can’t keep living like this. We can’t keep watching people die from weather. When storms become this bad, we can’t control them, but we can prevent them.

These storms are another lesson for me that I need to continually do my part to ensure my children and grandchildren have a healthy place to live.

To my mother

Happy Mother's Day, momma.

You are my friend, my inspiration, my head cheerleader, my counselor, my backbone. Thank you for everything you have done for me in the last year and always being there whenever I needed you, day or night. Thank you for understanding and supporting my choices and decisions this past year. I know I can always count on you for strength when I need it. I have learned so much from you and I hope to one day be half the mother you are. You are a wonderful woman, human being and mother and I am glad to be your daughter.

Love you.

Happy Birthday Jason!

To my little brother,

I hope you had a wonderful 20th birthday! You'll always be 5 years old in my eyes.

Love,
Your sister

Dynamite & Dreams

A few months ago, I met a guy from New York in Idaho who asked me about the oddity that is Mt. Rushmore. I told him what I knew and continued on about the other mountain sculpture, Crazy Horse. He was taken back by these South Dakota monuments and I didn’t have any other response for him other than, “Yeah, it’s weird.”

I’ve been to Mt. Rushmore a few times, but not Crazy Horse. All I knew about the monument up till yesterday is that it was a half-finished sculpture of the great Indian hero, Crazy Horse. I am embarrassed about how little I know about this fascinating piece of rock as a native South Dakota.

Yesterday, Viga and Monique Ziolkowski came to our office after speaking at the annual Women & Giving event. The sisters are daughters of Korczak Ziolkowski, the founder and creator Crazy Horse. Their mother, Ruth, is currently the head of the Crazy Horse Foundation. They told their story of their family’s dedication to the dream of their father. This is one of the best stories I have ever heard, and it really made me think of my life’s purpose.

Korczak came from Boston in 1948 to carve the memorial in the South Dakota Badlands. He was in his 40s and left his entire life behind to chase this crazy dream that no one thought was possible.

As a prominent sculptor, Korczak was contacted by Lakota Chief Henry Standing Bear to create a memorial that would honor the pay tribute to the North American Indians. He lived in a tent, eventually building a log home, and spent day after day on that mountain working on the sculpture.

Most people thought he was insane. They didn’t think he could finish it and he was just wasting his life. There was no way he was ever going to give up or let the criticisms stomp his dream. Korczak believed in the Indians and was deeply troubled by how they have suffered. Not only did he want to give them an eternal memorial, he made plans for a hospital and a university. He wanted to give back what was taken from them.

Korczak believed in dreaming big, but knew he wouldn’t see his dream become a reality. Yet he never gave up. In fact, the passion he had for that memorial became the passion of his wife and his children. Today, Ruth and seven of her ten children have dedicated their life to Crazy Horse. They also know that the memorial probably won’t be finished in their lifetime, but everyday they are still on that mountain, just like their father.

Ruth works seven days a week. She goes to work every morning at 5 a.m. and works until 12 a.m. She spends her day working toward the next step. Every night, she writes thank yous to every single Crazy Horse Foundation donor.

Although the memorial has made much progress in 60 years and they are now holding classes at the American Indian University, there is still a lot of work to be done. There are still naysayers who believe the project will never be complete, but that doesn’t stop the Ziolkowskis. They don’t believe in giving up because they were raised not to give up. They are chasing a big dream, but they know it will make a credible difference. That alone is worth continuing.

After Viga and Monique’s presentation, I began to think about what I am doing to leave an imprint in this world, not very much. Their story made me hungry to help people more than ever and to live a life worthwhile.

Last May, I left my friends, family and the life I know behind to chase a dream. I found a new dream in Idaho and decided to chase it back to Brookings. It wasn’t easy or cheap, and sometimes I can feel people are judging me for those decisions, but this is my dream.

I went into journalism because I thought I was doing the Lord’s work through my story telling. I left newspapers for a lot of reasons, but one of them was because I didn’t think I was making a difference anymore.

Now, I am working for an organization that’s sole purpose is to offer quality education. Although not directly, I help raise money for scholarships, programs and buildings. Each day, it is our duty to help create the best possible South Dakota State University we can.

Viga and Monique mentioned the campaign my organization is about to enter and the money we setting to raise. They said that we might not see the end result of the changes we are trying to make in our lifetime, but the work we do will make a difference for generations to come.

I really do feel like the work I do makes a difference, and although it may not be very significant, I am proud of that.

The Ziolkowski’s story really inspired me that you should never give up on dreams and that you should always dream big. I am some big dreams for my future and I plan to never give up on them. A life without dreams is pointless and meaningless.

I think we all could be reminded of the Ziolkowskis and their inability to even consider giving up as a possibility. Not matter what or how big your dream is, never let anyone tell you that it is impossible. As Korczak used to say, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.”

I am currently sitting in Cottonwood doing some long overdue writing. It’s currently pouring outside as I sit in the dim lit coffee house on Main Street. As I contemplate what I want to write next, iTunes is playing my favorite raining day song, “Songs about Rain.”

I love this song when it’s raining, snowing or sunny. Every time I hear it, it takes me back to my sophomore year when I played it over and over as I dealt with my first heartbreak. Yet, it doesn’t really make me think of the guy. It makes me think of the person I have become since that time.

Right as the song goes into the chorus, the rain outside picks up as if to match the beat. Gary Allen’s soothing voice always brings a smile to face and makes me wish time would just stop for a minute. The piano and guitar notes mix so sweetly together and I decided to listen to it one more time. One more time just to sit and stare at the splashes on the dark gray cement. One more time to enjoy the song at the best possible time – when it’s raining.

I might be a runner afterall

The soreness in my stomach muscles taunted me while my mouth, full of snotty cobwebs, reminded me that maybe I wasn’t actually ready for this. I kept my eyes on the pink tank top ahead of me, while visioning the stretches and turns still to come. The beats coming out of the earphones connected to my iPod kept my pace. I was still surprised I was doing this.

In sixth grade, Mr. Halling made an announcement about cross country sign up for seventh grade. Not really sure what cross country was, I signed up thinking this would be the greatest thing I ever did. When I told my mom about my plans to tryout for the team, she looked at me like I had told her I was running away from home. I didn’t care; I was going to run cross country.

The day that I walked into that dark junior high gym was start of a passionate relationship between a sport and a girl who had no business being in it. I ran cross country until my senior year of high school, despite the fact that I got slower each year. I made the varsity team my sophomore year, but busted my butt my senior year just to earn the number seven spot to run at ESD and state. But love is blind and I was in love.

Every summer day, I ran the streets of Pierre, dreaming about the upcoming fall season. My teammates would see me out running and make a small comment about my hard work, but they would usually out run me during the season. One year, I recorded the second most miles that summer. The only person who ran more than me was Brad Lowery, who is one of the top runners to come out of Pierre. He went on to be a star runner for South Dakota State University and is currently training for the Olympics.

Running was drug. When practice started for the season, I could occasionally run later in the day. If I didn’t run, I would have a panic attack. Running fed my eating disorder and it was my friend when I thought no one else was.

I cried at the state meet my senior year, knowing it was my last race, but I knew I would never stop running. I continued on to college and found a running partner in my hall. Our routine fell apart after the first semester when we both became busy with class and other activities. I still tried to find time to run, but it wasn’t an everyday thing.

Through the next three years, my runs were sporadic, used mostly when I wanted to shed a few pounds.

My love for running was suppressed, but it wasn’t deleted. It was my medicine when school became too much, when The Collegian nearly destroyed me, when I was healing a broken heart or when I just needed something stable in my life. It was my punching bag when life dealt me some pretty tough cards. From choosing SDSU to accepting the job in Idaho, running was my counselor during big decisions.

Once I left South Dakota for Idaho, running never felt right. I did enjoy runs on the ISU cross country course and at City Creek, but runs were forced. It didn’t help that the long and unexpected hours of my job made it a bit hard to run on a consistent basis.

I missed running, though. In Idaho, I became the cross country expert in the area, giving the sport more attention than it’s ever received. I eagerly signed up for assignments during the Pocatello Marathon, while my fellow sports writers moaned at the thought of actually attending the painfully-long event. Most races, I teared up at the stories of these incredible people. I wanted to love running like they did. And I really wanted running to love me back.

Then I moved back to Brookings, and I made a commitment to running. I was going to give it my all, and I was going to fall in love with it again. I decided to take our relationship to a new level and race again. I really wanted to run a marathon, but that was a commitment running and I weren’t ready for. So I settled on a 5K instead.

I signed up for the race without much concern. I knew the course well, since it was on campus. I have been running that route for four and half years and can literally point out places with significant meaning. There is the stretch on 22nd avenue that I would sprint in hopes that a particular guy might be leaving his apartment at the same time. The little pass by Coughlin-Alumni Stadium that I would run during fall football camp. The spot by Animal Science that I broke down when I thought I was going to fail macro-economics. The spot where I flew kites with my then-boyfriend, thinking I could spend the rest of my life with him. Yeah, this route and I know each other well.

Since I had no real plans of winning, I shouldn’t have been nervous. But I was. I hadn’t raced since high school, and I wasn’t sure I knew how to do it anymore. I watched what I ate that day and said a little prayer, just like I used to when I wore the kelly green uniform.

My stomach was in knots when I arrived at the start line; I wasn’t sure why. I had nothing to prove or to lose, I just wanted to run. The race started with an unexpectedly casual “go” and we were off. To my surprise, not many people were in front of me. The woman in the purple tank top jetted past me less than 200 yards from the start, and then the older woman in the pink tank top made her move. I kept behind the pink tank top for a bit, and managed to move past her around the mile mark, but she made a play for me and was able to keep an edge on me the rest of the way.

Trying not to let my mental game win, which it does so many times, I focused on the purple and pink. I kept my arms low and just plowed through every turn and straightaway, trying to make sure no one else crept past me. A woman with an Obama ’08 shirt made her way past me with 400 meters left, but I really wasn’t bothered. I was already exceeding my expectations.

As I made the last turn by Brown Hall, I smiled at the volunteer and pushed hard to the flags. Then flashbacks of finish lines in Huron, Mitchell, Rapid City, Aberdeen and Brookings flooded my mind. I pictured my former teammates and their families yelling my name and high school girls in red, orange, black and blue uniforms as I pounded my legs into the finish line. It was almost like I went back in time five years.

I ran the 5K in 26-something minutes and I finished fourth in a pretty well-attended race. My time was so-so and I could have probably ran a bit harder to secure third, but I am incredibly proud of myself. I never thought I would do that well or feel the way I did when finished.

Today, I watched a bit of the Brookings Marathon just before mile maker 11. I watched young, old, men, women run past our corner, dripping wet from the rain. I studied their faces, and they were happy. They were tired, drenched and probably in pain, but they were happy. Many people think they are crazy, but I know they are in love. They are in love with something bigger than them and you can’t help but smile at that.

Monday, I am going to begin training for a marathon in Sioux City. I am going to run 26 miles that I am sure will be painful and exhausting and people will think I am crazy, but I don’t care. Love is blind, and I am in love.

The day I almost died

This is the infamous wave. Val took this right as I went over the rocks. You can see Brandon off to the left. He yelled my name right as she snapped this shot.


A few posts ago, I mentioned that someday I would tell the story of how I almost died. For your enjoyment, here is that story.

This past February a few friends and I traveled to the Virgin Islands to visit my good friend Brandon, who moved to St. Croix in October. Before he even had an apartment, my friend Niki had a ticket booked. Andrew and Val booked theirs about a month later, then convincing me to go too. Elissa bought her ticket after Christmas and, not much later, Niki's boyfriend Jim bought one too.

For me, this trip came at pretty poor financial time. When I bought my ticket, I was planning another year or two in Poky, but plans don't always work out that way. So I spent most of my savings moving back to Brookings and my bank account was wiped out.

Mentally, this trip came a pretty great time. Between deciding to moving back, leaving my Idaho friends, a strenuous drive back to SD, moving, starting a new job and learning to live in Brookings again, I was wiped out.

When we told Brandon we were visiting, he said you have to be open to new things. I believe in that as a life motto, so I was game. On the third day of our visit, we decided to visit go on adventure to see a tide pools near an 18th century harbor.

There are two ways to get to the tide pools -- by hiking and by jeep. Since we didn't have a jeep and didn't want to pay the extra money, we hiked. Hiking in Idaho brought me a lot of peace when I needed it, so, again, I was game.

Niki and I decided to be the official picture takers of the trip so we lagged behind a bit to photograph every leaf and interesting creature along the way. We came to a green-mossy covered rock, and I decided to hop over it. Well, my foot slipped and I fell backwards, busting my camera.

I was devastated. This was a $200 camera and it was the third day of our trip. I tried really hard to remain optimistic. I told myself that I could have seriously gotten hurt on the fall. If the worst thing to happen me on this trip was breaking my camera, then it wasn't so bad. As much as I tried this optimistic approach, it just wasn't working.

The pain of losing my camera was bit minimized when we actually got to the tide pools. The ocean reflected the most captivating blue I had even seen (well other than SDSU blue that is :) The rhythmic crashing of the waves was the best music I had ever heard. I wanted to stay out there for the rest of my life.

To actually get to the tide pools, we had to climb around black, jagged pieces of rock. Because we still had to hike back, we swapped our tennis shoes for flip flops. I don't remember the climb to be too difficult, but I was still in awe of the beauty around me. After a few minutes of climbing, we discovered and pale green pool sheltered by more black rock. We were accompanied by small green fish and the waves crashing against the rocks that blocked the ocean. Again, I wanted stay here for life.

Brandon and Andrew decided to climb up on the rocks to get a better view of the ocean. And if they were going to do it, so I was. All that I could see was blue with ripples of white getting closer and closer to shore. Every problem and doubt that existed in my life was temporarily erased at that moment.

On top of the rocks were smaller pools about the size of a hot tub. I wanted to sit in one so I ventured away from my friends to do so. I heard Brandon tell me to hold on because a big wave was coming, so I just assumed that if I ducked down in the small pool I would be fine.

The wave was stronger than any of us anticipated and it turned me around so that my back was facing the ocean and I was pinned up against the rocks of the smaller pool. I thought that was it, but the waves kept gushing and I did a backwards somersault over the rocks. I managed to grasp on to a rock before I would’ve fallen five to six feet into the ocean. At this point I am hanging off the edge of the rocks and there is nothing that is blocking me from the ocean.

As I flipped over Brandon yelled my name. He later told me that that was the scariest moment of his life. He thought I was gone.

Andrew was startled when Brandon screamed and lost his balance. The wave knocked him around a bit and he ended up with a nice size gash in his foot.

The only thing I was thinking at this moment is that this can't be it. I was bound and determined not to let the ocean take my life. I wasn't done yet and I knew God thought so too.

Once the wave calmed down, I yelled for Brandon's help. He made it over to me and helped me up before the next wave came. When I realized that I was safe and what just happened, I call I could do was laugh. I was hysterical.

Still high on adrenaline, we jumped back into the tide pools. From that point on until we got back to Brandon's car, my entire body was shacking. As we climbed around the rocks again to get back to the trail, Brandon guided my every step because my legs were trembling.

I laughed to myself as we hiked back that losing my camera earlier in the day was nothing compared to losing my life. And then that thought got me thinking.

More than likely, I would have had my camera with me on top of the rock. I would have probably been snapping shots as the wave attacked me. Because I believe that everything happens for a reason, I started to think that God had me purposely break my camera because it would have prevented me from grabbing on to the rock that saved my life.

That seems like a bit of a stretch to compare the two incidents but what happened later that day when I called my mom completely convinced me that this was true. She told me that my dad has the exact same camera I did and he never uses it so I could have his.

In the end, I didn't lose a camera and I didn't lose my life.

Happy Earth Day!

Remember to be nice to our little planet. She is the only one we have.

Right where I belong

The world turns around seven times from a Saturday to Saturday. Many lives are lost, and many just begin in that time period. In the big scheme of life, seven days is nothing. But to this 23-year-old grasping on to any spots of enlightenment, a new Saturday brought very polar feelings than the last Saturday.

Last Saturday I woke up knowing it was going to be a mentally exhausting day. It took me two hours to funnel my thoughts and feelings about being back in South Dakota to one cohesive post, yet I don't think I was very successful. My mind raced the entire day about what I was really doing in Brookings and maybe I was a failure for being here.

Today, though, is a new Saturday with an entirely new set of emotions and feelings. Today, I am happy and confident. The sun is shining and I am feeling pretty unstoppable at the moment.

This might just be a good day or it might be a new way of thinking, but I am happy to be where I am today. I am happy to be living this life in Brookings, South Dakota.

So what happened this week to whip up a new feeling towards life? I am not sure if there is anything I can perfectly frame as the reason I feel this way. Life isn't that neat.

A friend read some of his poetry for me last night. Although I don't know much about poems, I was envious of his capability to expose reality with such beauty and grace. One particular poem, called Snow Flake I think, felt like a page from my life story.

Because of our degrees and the first letter of our last names, we sat next to each other on graduation day. Three weeks later, I headed west to Idaho. A few more, and he went southeast 900 miles. We would spend hours on the phone describing our new lives, dreams and ideas for the next step. But with out a solid job or any potential offers, he moved back to Brookings in October. Months later, I did the same.

But what he did took much more courage than what I did. I came back because I had a job offer. There was no offer for him. He honestly had no idea what he was going to do back here or where he was going to live, he just decided that something was waiting for him. He eventually found a place to live and a job as a full-time pizza deliver at local eatery.

When he wrote Snow Flake, it was December. The poem described the way he realized that he was in the right place. He was a college-educated pizza delivery man in PoDunk, South Dakota and he felt confident that he was doing the right thing with his life.

I think I am reaching that point. I seem to be having more of these "Yup, this is right" moments. I had that feeling today as I stopped just to gaze at the Campanile for a few seconds. Again, when I stepped inside Coughlin-Alumni Stadium for the first time in 12 months.

I feel it when a fiery pink sunset in the western sky captures my attention. I feel it when I am having dinner or enjoying conversation with friends. It comes when I run into my brother randomly around town and when I am driving on Highway 14 toward the Yellow House. And it consumes me every time someone says "It's good to have you back."

I may not know where I am going to be in a year or what I will be doing. I don't know which of my dreams I am going to have to let go for another or what God will put in front of me. But what I do know is that everything has a purpose and I am exactly where I am meant to be.



As for my friend, he started his first full-time professional job about a month ago. We are living the dream.

Bengals vs. Jacks

When I first started covering Idaho State University women's basketball team, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between the Bengals and the Jackrabbits. At first, both teams seemed to be a bit more successful than their male counterparts. They both reached post-season tournaments in 2006 -- ISU, the NCAAs and SDSU, WNIT (the Jacks were still in transition mode and weren't eligible for the Big Dance). Also, they were lead by one dominant player: the Bengals, Natalie Doma and the Jacks, Megan Vogel. Both are very nice, dedicated women with potential in the WNBA. Even after I quit covering the Bengals and moved back to SD, I see another similarity between the two.

Today I was looking through the blog of my friends back at the Idaho State Journal. And topping the blog is posts about Jon Newlee's decision to leave Idaho State University for the University of Idaho. Here comes the Bengals-Jacks connection. About this time last year, Mr. Aaron Johnston announced his plans to leave the Jacks for the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. Both were lateral moves for two very good coaches.

Johnston's announcement was not a big surprise to SDSU fans. He was the first coach at SDSU to prove that the Division I move was valid. He earned the Jacks' first D-I post-season berth, and although it was to the WNIT, no other women’s transitional team has been able to do that. He brought in the biggest crowds to Frost since the days when SDSU and USD were rivals. He put together a team that proved SDSU could be competitive at Division I. So it was no big surprise that some other school wanted to snatch him up.

But what was a surprise is what happened about 24 hours after Johnston's announcement. On the plane ride to Wisconsin, something struck deep with in him. Between the time it took to fly from Sioux Falls to Minneapolis - about 45 minutes - he realized he couldn't leave SDSU. As he waited in the Minneapolis Airport for his connecting flight, he called SDSU AD Fred Oien and asked if his counter offer still stood. According to Collegian reporter Brian Kimmes (:D), Oien called President David L. Chicoin, who confidently put the fate of Johnston's job in Oien's gut feeling about him as a man and as a coach. And with that, Johnston was back.

This is where the coincidences end. I am pretty darn sure Jon Newlee won't be returning to the Bengals. His heart isn't as tied to the university as Johnston's, and there is nothing wrong with that. He jokingly told me that he would probably cry himself to sleep after this year once his power duo, Doma and Andrea Lightfoot, were gone. Those two the type of players that don't come to Pocatello, Idaho, very often. Plus, the athletic department at ISU is a mess, to put it lightly. There is no money, no crowd support and no credible leadership. I don't blame him for leaving.

I used to make comparisons between Newlee's and Johnston's coaching styles. It was literally fire and ice, with Newlee roaring about every wrong move and Johnston rarely loosing his temper on the court. But they struck my interest in women's basketball and helped me find more appreciation for the sport.

I wish Newlee the best of luck in Idaho and will be rooting for Johnston and the Jacks as they work towards their first trip to the NCAAs.

As for the Doma and Vogel coincidence, Vogel was drafted her senior year to the Washington Mystics. She was later cut from the team only to become an intern. This year, she is one of three trying out for one spot with Minnesota Lynx. Her decision to try out just for the one team is not much a surprise for the St. Peter native. She needs to be close to home. Most here are hoping she'll get the spot so we can hop on over the cities to see the former Jack perform her famous arm pump. She might just be the Joe Mauer of Minnesota women’s basketball.

Doma, on the other hand, wasn't drafted. She, however, was signed to the Seattle Storm. I know she will do OK there. She is one heck of a player and a team leader. Knowing how much this meant to her, I am very happy for her. I just can't wait to see her in that Canadian jersey in the Olympics.

A change of heart

My brother Chris and I live in the same town, so we usually car pool home for major holidays and events. We take turns driving so one of us can sleep. Highway 14 is so monotonous that not even a magazine can entertain you for three hours. Plus, we are Mangans and we like to sleep. The rule is that the driver gets to pick the music, no matter whose car. So it's kind of a catch 22: You get to sleep but have to listen to the other's crappy music.

Chris and I rarely like the same music. I enjoy a bit of everything - pop, country, classic, rock, alternative, punk, jazz, ect. He likes mostly punk and emo-like music. Some of it I can hum to, but other stuff, popping my eardrums seems better than listening to the junk coming from his iPod.

One particular band that makes my skin crawl is The Spill Canvas. The first few times I heard the Sioux Falls band, I wanted to throw his iPod out the window. Every song featured starryed lyrics about unrequited love and angry broken hearts. Instrumentally, the music seemed just to be an acoustic guitar that played long slow notes. And the singer's voice? The scratchy high notes and forced emotion gave him away as a guy who probably cut himself.

Maybe I didn't listen close enough. Or maybe I was being to judgmental and to quick to add a stereo type. Or maybe I just like commercialized music, but the other day I caught myself downloading a The Spill Canvas song.

Being a Sioux Falls band on the rise, local radio stations tend to play the band's songs quite a bit. I recently heard a song that I really liked, but never could get the name or artist. At one point, I thought it might be a The Spill Canvas song, but then remembered that I don't like them.

So last night I was downloading songs as a way to get my motivated to work out early the next day and wanted to try and find that song. I looked on the Top 40 Web sites, but wasn't able to figure out a name or artist to the tune. Later, as I was falling asleep, the lyrics started pouring out of me. I hopped out of bed, opened up my computer and searched the song. Sure enough, it was The Spill Canvas.

Not only do I like this particular song, I have listened to it about 10 times today and am considering putting it as my ringer. It's fresh with a fast enough pace to run to. The lyrics do pay homage to a lost love, but the beat overrides the cliché. I like this song so much, I think you should all check it below.

After one day of this song on my iPod, I might be inclined to add more The Spill Canvas songs. Let's not go that far and allow my brother to be right. It's baby steps for now.


Enjoy.

The post I have been waiting for ...

CONGRATS CHRISTI!

DLTBGYD

"Don't those let the bastards get you down."

The best advice I've ever received.

And the internal struggle continues

"Look, I am here. I took a chance and left everyone I know behind. That's more then some people."

I used to repeat that mantra to myself over and over as I cried for home. I wasn't sure what I was doing in Idaho or whether I liked it there, but the fact that I left was the only reassurance I needed to stay.

Leaving South Dakota was something I wanted to do since high school. I wanted to go to some big fancy college and get the heck away from home. I first had my eyes on Boston College, and the University of Nebraska. But like so many people I know, my finances overshadowed those dreams and I went to SDSU instead.

Turned out, that was a pretty good decision because I had a pretty tremendous college experience. But I still had every intentions of leaving South Dakota once I got the degree.

So when the job in Idaho became a reality, I was never more excited to see the state line in the rearview mirror. I was finally getting out.

But life in Idaho wasn't exactly easy. It didn't help that I had a boyfriend back in South Dakota who wasn't so thrilled about moving to Idaho. I was also in a job that I was supposed to love, but really wasn't. And I spent a lot of time alone for a while, something I really wasn't used to.

Even though I would cried in airports as I was coming back to Idaho, life there wasn't so bad. I did find some great friends in my coworkers and I began to try new things.

Life wasn't great, but it was OK.I was getting to the point where I wasn't sure journalism was for me, and if that was true, why am I in Idaho? I still had left South Dakota, and that was all that matter for the time being.

Then the opportunity came to come back. The thing I was most proud of -- leaving South Dakota -- would be gone.

That is continually a hard thing for me to swallow. I am back in South Dakota, and even worse, I am back in Brookings. I didn't join the Peace Corp or move out to D.C. I am just in Brookings trying to figure it all out.

It's really hard to tell people that I am back in South Dakota. I know I shouldn't care what they say, but I hear them thinking "Wow, she couldn't hack it away from home. That's pathetic."

I feel like I gave up on one of my biggest dreams. That I am just settling for something comfortable, instead of really getting what I want.

But the problem is that I don't know what I want. My biggest problem is that I compare myself to other people. I am jealous of my friend who lives in San Francisco working as a volunteer or my friend who is in the Peace Corp in Fiji. I want to be off on some great adventure, but instead, I am living in Brookings.

Living in Brookings is the hardest thing about living in Brookings, everything else is good. I really enjoy what I do. My work environment is so much healthier than at the Journal and I really like going to work. I also like the fact that my work isn't life.

Outside of work, I have a pretty active social life. I am running more and have taken up yoga. I get to see my family more, and I take little trips every month. I have a new relationship with writing and its something I enjoy doing again.

Still, being back here is hard. Many people around me judge success by getting out of South Dakota and they talk about leaving Brookings daily. I just nod my head because I don't know what to say. I was once like them, but now I am back. That's all I can say is that I am back.

When I first told a friend of mine that I was offered the job at the Foundation, he said I should take it. He said that all I needed to worry about was getting to where I want to be and working on myself as a person. I guess that is what I am doing.

I remind myself that this is a temporary point of my life. The plan in life is to go back to school. Now, I am saving money so that I can. I am also trying to fight fears and work on aspects of my life that I have wanted to change.

There are problems that I have that were easy to avoid in Idaho. Being there was a good excuse not to own up to some of my insecurities and work on them. But as soon as the plane landed in South Dakota, those bad habits and tendencies would come roaring back. So one by one, I am trying to fix these things I hate about myself and am trying to really discover myself as a person.

This back and forth post is a clear example of my struggles being back here. It's also a culmination of some unresting feelings I've had this week. I just need to work through these feelings and there is no better way to do that than my own blog.

A rather humorous side note: A friend just called me to have coffee with him later today. He asked me how being back in the ol'town was. I told him that I have writing about that for the last two hours. Yup, that is how it is.

The only thing I can do now until I figure out was is the next step in my life is just to trust that God brought me back here for a reason.

A memo

Dear Mother Nature,

IT'S APRIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, give us a bit of spring before you beat us down with 100-degree weather.

My kindest regards,
Heather M. Mangan

P.S. I understand part of this is my fault for living in South Dakota, but I would appreciate any sympathy you are willing to give.

Sometimes it still hurts ...

When we walked into the social, I saw her engaged in conversation with two or three others, all clutching cheap beer or strongly mixed drinks. They were laughing and I pretended to look anywhere but her direction. Jeremy, whom I was following to the room with the drinks, gave her a gracious hello, but I tried to make eye contact with someone else. The exchange lasted a second and we walked straight to the drink table.

We filled our cups, grabbed a few snacks and started conversation with a man we both met a year and a half earlier. It was good to see this man as we exchanged on-the-job stories. The man got up after a while to find a different conversation and we went back to the drink table. That's when she caught up with us, and right after a hello, she said "I hear you are breaking Randell's heart."

Earlier that week, I had finally gathered the courage to send an overdue email to Randell, executive editor of a local newspaper. I finally told him I was back in South Dakota working at the Foundation.

Last year, Randell took an interest in me. He knew I was the managing editor of The Collegian and I was stringing in his sports department. He delighted in my passion for the job, and told me outright he wanted me in his newsroom. He fit the part of an editor, without the cigar hanging from his mouth, and, just like an old movie, he told me I was going to be a star.

I ate it up and told him I wanted to work for him, but needed a few years outside of South Dakota for personal reasons. Days before I moved to Idaho, he told me to go to Idaho and get better so he could steal me back. That was the plan.

But plans are just plans and life changed. In a lot less time than I intended, I was back in South Dakota and out of the newspaper business. I wasn't sure how he was going to take it so I wrote him a lengthy email explaining my decision and that it doesn't mean I gave up on journalism forever. He responded with a good luck and that was it.

Disappointed with his response, I guess I wanted his blessing, although I know he would never give it to me. Like most newspaper people, he has a history of not liking those who jump ship, but really I didn't know what he would say.

When I ran into his managing editor, Maricarrol, at a newspaper conference I was attending with Jeremy, I didn't know what she would say, either. She made some remarks about me not staying in it long enough before leaving, but I would be back. With the bit of alcohol in me, these remarks, although they came off friendly, brought on the drunk blues, like seeing an ex boyfriend at a party.

Jeremy told me that nobody at the convention is going to say to me leaving the business was a good idea even though they may think it. He reminded me that this is a community that stays together and values their brother and sisters through long hours, bad pay and never-ending deadlines. When one leaves, it's hard not to call them on it. I understand, and respect, that loyalty but it just hurt.

To be honest, leaving journalism still stings. It's hard to hear my friends talk about great stories or come across a great story idea and know that I won't be seeing it through. Some days, reading the newspaper is a slap in the face. Seeing young journalists write moving pieces, move ahead in their careers and win awards is the same stomach acid feeling I got when an ex boyfriend proposed to the girl he started seeing shortly after we broke up.

This same local newspaper currently has two open positions: entertainment reporter and outdoors/environmental reporter. Both are positions I would love. Another reporter at the paper told me I should apply for them, and I the idea crossed my mind more than once. The pay might be better, I could move to Sioux Falls and I would be back in journalism.

Of course, it's not that simple. I would leave Sherry high and dry after she went out on a limb to get me here. I would need to eat a huge piece of humble pie and it would be even harder for me to go back to school. And I would be back in journalism.

I was explaining these positions to Kate and she told me to dismiss the options but remember that I left newspapers for valid reasons.

Although highly influential reasons, I didn't leave because of pay, hours or the scary instability of newspapers. I left because it wasn't me.

I used to think journalism was made for me. I got to talk to people all day, snoop into their business and write about it. I got to experience new things and meet fabulous people all while being paid.

But there was a dark side. I had to ask the questions I didn't want to and write the stories that nobody likes to here. I had to make peoples lives harder and I had to the bad guy sometimes to tell the truth.

After a cross country meet this fall, I interviewed a local girl about her race and her career. It was a Q&A so I ran the quotes verbatim. Apparently, she felt that she sounded stupid in the interview because I didn't give her enough time to rest and that I hounded her too much. She would see me and walk in the other direction when I came close. She told her coach that I couldn't talk to her until several time has passed after the race, despite the fact that I had a job to do. And she always rolled her eyes when I approached her.

That hurt, in fact, I cried at cross country meet because she was avoiding me. As I tried to calm myself down, I thought about what Dan or Kellis would have done in that situation. They would have apologized, tried to get something out of her until they gave up and then walk away without a second thought. I can't do that. I am too emotional.

I don't want to be the person people try to avoid. I don't want to be the person they hate getting phone calls from. I realized there were other parts of this job that just didn't fit my personality and that I didn't want to do this forever. The ups of the job were amazing but they weren't worth downs.

Tonight, I went to Leatherheads. In the movie, a reporter named Lexie has to write a story that reveals the exaggerated tale of man's rise to war-hero status. She knows it will ruin him, but she has to tell the truth. She calls her editor and has the following conversation:

Lexi: Harvey, sometimes this job stinks.
Harvey: It stinks most of the time.

Too me, it’s not worth it. Some people can let stuff like that roll off their back and just get the job done, but I wasn't built that way. I want to help people not piss them off. Although a reporter can do so much good, I really want to help people and that's where the masters in counseling comes in.

I will always love journalism and have fond memories, but I was made to do something else, I just don't know what. Saying goodbye to journalism still hurts and it probably will for sometime, but I know that, for me, it was the best move. I just need to find a new love.

It only takes 21 days

By now, all of my faithful readers are probably in utter shock.

"Heather has posted more in the last few days than she did while living in Idaho." Yes, this is true because I promised all of you that I would be better at this blogging stuff, and now I am really trying.

One of my coworkers graciously informed me that it only takes 21 days to create a habit. Meaning if I post every day for 21, then maybe it will become a regular component of my schedule. So this idea got me thinking, what else could become my habit?

I guess I could be a bit daring and stand on my head for 21 days, or I could take the undemanding route of habits and just drink myself silly for 21 days or until my liver gives out on me.

Really, I took this 21-days urban legend and decided to give it a whirl. But first, what is habit?

When we hear that word, we immediately list all of the habits we possess, and they are usually bad ones. I generally think of my stubby nails that never get a chance to sprout or my addiction to that sinful Web site, facebook.com. We never tend to think of the good habits we have, such as calling friends every few weeks to make sure their lives are going swell or double checking to make sure the door is locked.

If we focus more on our good habits and creating better ones, we could probably be a lot happier. So, I am going to try this little rule to create habits that could help me accomplish some life-goals.

Posting on my blog is the first habit on my list. Writing this much can only be good for me, especially if I want to start writing my book.

The second habit is meditating. It's something I have wanted to do for years, and when I do do it, it feels absolutely amazing. Meditating will really help me center on my thoughts and work on my shortcomings, both reasons why I moved back to South Dakota.

My third habit is one that I am already trying to accomplish, but I want to tweak it a bit -- working out. Now, I workout about three to four times a week and I want to be able to run or hit the gym five to six times a week. I am already noticing more of an ease when I run and my friend just told me today I look like someone who works out a lot. I don't agree with her, but it's good motivation. My new goal is to workout before work instead of after. I usually head to the gym or go for a run when I get home, but sometimes I work late and it takes all the motivation I can give up to put my shoes on and get out the door. Plus, I get busy with friends and whatnot so working out takes a back burner. I am gonna start waking up earlier, which is quite the goal for me, and we'll see if I can make a habit out of this.

So if the 21-day rule works for creating habits, it must work for breaking habits, right? Well, maybe I will apply that and see if I can break that nasty nail biting ritual that has been around since my birth. If it can do that, then I would say this rule is the miracle drug.

Until then, let's create some good habits.

Four women by the water cooler

When I think of sports-related pools at offices, I think of grubby men who pass their days by looking up stats and trashing talking their cubicle mate. But that is the 1990s version of office pools.

Back at the Journal, the publisher organized a fantasy football league. I didn't take part in the league because A) the entry fee was $100 and B)I have never been intrigued by the idea of picking my own football team with players for various teams across the league. To me, it didn't make sense. But I did admire it because some of my coworkers put more energy and effort into the league and beating the publisher than they did their jobs.

Most days, one of my the news reporters would saunter over to the sports side to get tips and ideas about Sunday's games. On Monday, he would linger in our department for a good 15 minutes about how great his team was doing. He was a trash talker and made sure everyone knew he was winning. The sports guys, who weren't involved in the league, made jokes and others involved in the league who join in on the trash talk until the entire office was wasting time over who was the better quarterback or running back.

Again, I just ignored it and pretended to work. This just wasn't my thing.

So when the email went out about NCAA polls at my new job, I ignored it. The pool organizer stopped in and asked if I was going to hand in my brackets and said I didn't think so. He told me to stop being a fun hater and fork over the $6 fee with my filled brackets. I though about it for a day and decided to just go ahead and play.

Before I knew it, I was actually getting involved in March Madness, which was a new concept for me. It wasn't that long ago that I actually realized that March Madness was about college basketball. I am a sports fan, just not a college basketball sports fan. But this year, I was watching games, checking scores and analyzing my brackets. I wanted to win this puppy.

I thought I had done very well with my picks and was pretty confident in my pick to win it all, Kansas. But after the first week and my fifth-to-last place finish, I realized I might not be so hot after all. I still kept with it and watched the games, hoping I could move up a bit in the ranks.

After the Sweet Sixteen, I was still alive for the Final Four and made quite the jump in places. I am now fifth overall. The current winner is Robin, who is beating me by at least 15 points, but only Rina has picked Kansas to win it all and is a head of me in the standing. My boss, Sherry, is out of it, thanks to the picks her 12-year-old son made.

The four of us happened to all be standing by the water cooler when Rina congratulated Robin on her placing but commented that she didn't have the right team. So then we all put in our two-cents of trash into the conversation when Keith walked by.

"You know what's funny about this?," Keith said. "I don't mean anything by it, but there hasn't really been any trash talk since this pool started and here you four women are trash talking by the water cooler."

I guess this office pool stuff is kind of fun. Go Jayhawks!

Finally, the UPDATE!

Yes, I know that this post is grossly overdue, but I am now writing it and that's at least something. With the exception of Saturday's unorganized depiction of my love life, it's been a good two months since my last post. So here is, hopefully, a quick update of the move and my new life.

When I last left you, I was getting ready to say goodbye to some great people and make a very difficult journey. The excruciating goodbyes got lost in stress and fear of driving a UHaul, pulling my car, through the mountains in February. After two and half days of white-knuckle driving, I finally crossed the state line only to be met with a billboard that said "Welcome to South Dakota. Watch out for Jackrabbits." Of course, the text was accompanied by a picture of the Campanile. That sign was the Christening of my new life.

The next few days were a whirled mix of unpacking and catching up with friends. I probably told the story of why I was back in Brookings about 50 times that first week, but as I ended the tale, most just looked at me, smiled and said "Well, we are glad to have you back."

Three days after I arrived in Brookings, I started my new job. It was a bit overwhelming. I didn't just jump in, I did a cannon ball into piles of projects that sat lonely on Sherry's desk until I could come and put a shiny red bow and "Finished” label on them. But from the first day, I knew I was going to like the people there and that this is going to be an adventure.

Most nights after work, I went out to dinner or drinks or a movie with friends. I played a lot of catching up, but I had no problems with this busting social life. In fact, I was giddy to have something to do every night.

Those first two weeks were a string of lunches, new projects, unsettling feelings and internal battles until I left for the Virgin Islands. I booked the tickets to visit a friend who moved there in October before I was even offered the job in South Dakota, but my boss knew I was taking this trip regardless. When the time actually came to leave, she was glad that I could go. She said, and I agreed, that I needed a few days in the sun after the last two months of emotional stress and the physical and mental drain of moving.

I arrived on the island of St. Croix where Elissa and Brandon were waiting for me. That night we picked up Val and Murph and then Jim and Nikki the next day. We spent the week drinking anything with rum, visiting various beaches and trying new food. I took the time to do a bit of writing and lots of reading. Since I am really into memoirs lately, I bought "I hope they Serve Beer in Hell," by Tucker Max and "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Two completely different books, but both authors made a deep impact on the type of writing and living I want to do.

We did a few touristy things like sail at sunset, tour the Cruzan Rum Factory and feed beer to the island's famous drinking pigs. We also hiked through the rain forest to see the tide pools. Now, that day was my favorite and worse. I almost died that day, but I am going to save that story for another post. Not to sound too cliché, but I really live different now. Maybe it was my near brush with death or maybe I just have grown up. But, as I said before, you'll read that story later on.

I came back seven days later feeling fresh and relaxed and looking pretty hot with a nice golden tan. Getting back in the swing of things wasn't too bad because I had a lot to do. I finally unpacked my apartment and now feel more settled.

Not long after I got back, I went to Omaha to see "Mamma Mia" with Kelli. That was a fun treat and good excuse to get out of Brookings. I went home for Easter, which was also nice, and this weekend I am going up north to hang out with J-Fug. SO, I am trying to take mini trips as much as I can.

I still have a very active social life, which makes me happy. I do go to basketball games and plays but I try really hard not to fall too much into the student life.

Other than that, I have just been working a lot and just living my life to try and figure out what comes after this. To make this easier for all the two people that read this blog, I thought I would answer some of the frequently asked questions that I get. Hope you all enjoy!

FAQs

How do you life your new job and do you miss reporting?
I love my new job. I love being challenged in a different way and I love the different projects I work on. I enjoy being a part of something that is making it easier for students to attend a quality school. The people I work with are amazing and make work really fun. Plus, I pretty much have the best boss ever! I do miss reporting, but the politics at the Journal are not something I long for. To keep my love for writing, I have been writing short pieces when the feeling moves me. I am also currently searching freelance work. Hopefully, something good will come out of that.

How do you like being back in Brookings?
I have mixed feelings about this. Some days, I do feel like a failure because I am not out in New York or something living the dream. I did leave Brookings but now I am back and that makes me lame. Other days, it's wonderful to see familiar faces wherever I go and know that my family is only 200 miles west. So being back has ups and downs, but I know that this isn't a permanent location for me. It's just between point A and point B.

Have you seen Scott since you moved back and are you guys going to get back together?
Um, no. I tried to get Scott just to meet with me to talk about us living in the same town and whether we could be friends. Instead, we ended up fighting through text messages and that was it. I figured I would run into him since we live on the same street, about eight blocks from each other. I did see him twice, but we both pretended not to see each other. Oh well. I am really happy now, and I think he is too.

Are you seeing someone then?
Well, if you read my last post you would know that the answer is no. And that is OK. I am happy where I am at.

So what are you going to do after this job?
I have no idea. Going back to school is a pretty likely option. For about three years I have talked about getting my masters in counseling. I should probably act on that.

Do you feel that moving back was the right decision?
Yes, because I trust that it was the right decision. God brought me back for a reason, so I am just living out the plan.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Yesterday I ran into an old friend who was in town for a sin-ingested day called Pub Crawl. It had been months since we last talked and both of our lives had undergone some big changes. So we found a table in a crowded bar and casually discussed the current status of our lives.

He is happily engaged and working a job that he really likes. I told him about my new job and the big move back. He asked if still had my "boy toy" (I am sure he couldn't remember his name.) Not wanting to get into too much detail I told him that we were no longer together and broke up in October. We continued discussing things and he abruptly said "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" I just laughed, but he asked again, "No, seriously, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend."

This question plagued me a bit because he isn't the only person to ask me this recently. So why don't I have a boyfriend?

It’s not that I don’t want one, believe me. So what is it?

My last relationship ended about five months ago, and I have only kissed one man since him (If you must know, he was a charming man I met in Boise who was utterly fascinated with me and nearly heartbroken when I told him I was moving to South Dakota). Many people actually thought that when I moved back, Scott and I would give it another try. I never saw that as an option because it just didn't work out for us. We are not on talking terms, but I don't hate him anymore. In fact, even when he took a shot at me on my friend's facebook wall, I felt sorry for him. I am OK with seeing him now, but I don't know if he is. Anyway, pining for an ex-lover is not the reason why I am single.

I guess I am single because my last relationship proved to me that I need to grow in several ways before I can actually be with someone.

My biggest problem in relationships is trust. I have upsetted, and hurt, boyfriends when I question whether or not they love me. When they say it, I have a hard time believing that someone could actually love me. I even give them excuses to love me, such as "He only loves me because he thinks no one else will love him" or "Most girls reject his advances and I was the only stupid one to give in." I never realized how much of insult that is to him and to myself.

So lately I started wondering why don't I trust them? Then I realized it's not just boyfriends I don't trust. It's my friends. I have this irrational fear that if someone hasn't called me in a while it probably means that I did something to piss them off and they really don't want to be friends with me. Or that my friends only hang out with me because they feel sorry for me or don't have anyone else to hang out with.

Then I realized I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make good decisions and to stand up and do what is right. Even more, I don't trust God and that he will really take care of me.

This is where you sigh and say, "Yup, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Oh, but it gets worse. I realized today that I so afraid of getting hurt that I just close guys off. When a guy hits on me, I automatically think he is only using me to get in my pants so I close him off. Actually, I get a snobby and bitchy, both highly attractive qualities let me tell you. I immediately write guys off as man whores when all they may want is to just say hi.

Today, I was discussing with friends how superficial love is. I explained to them how upset I was when I finished "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book was an enthralling tale of one woman's rise from depression, loneliness and self destruction through a pleasure-engaging and spiritual journey. It was so refreshing to see a woman find her self and happiness through pasta and prayer, until the end of the book when she falls in love with a Brazilian man. It infuriated me that she just had to fall in love. Why couldn't she just find herself and be happy with that? It continually proves to women that in order to be ultimately happy they have to have love. I felt that when the author fell in love she lost all credibility about empowering herself to be a better version of herself.

So, as I was explaining these frustrations to my friend, he stopped and said "What's so wrong with being in love, Heather?"

"Well, nothing, I am just tired of everyone believing that happiness has to come through love?"

"But happiness does come through love."

"Sure, but not all happiness."

"So why do you hate love?"

I guess I don't hate love as much as I envy those who hate. Being love is a great feeling but to me I need to love myself before I can fully love someone else to the degree they deserve. I want to give someone my all, but I need to give myself my all before I can do that to someone else.

The best way to do that is give myself things I want. The other day I spoiled myself in a way that I've never had. I got up, went to yoga, went running, wrote a bit, cooked myself an amazingly tasty meal, drank a few glasses of wine that led to a few bottles and enjoyed the company of new and old friends at my quaint apartment. It was a Heather Day.

I wasn't trying to impress someone else or make someone else happy. I was making myself happy, something I have never really done. Often, in relationships I sacrifice my happiness to make the other person happy. I will spend my hard earned money on them. I will give them any free time I have. I redirect the love I have myself toward them. I was think that if they are happy then I will be happy.

That is a stupid way to live. I know now that to love someone truly, I must love myself. That sound cliché, and it is, but it's so very true.

At this point in my life, I am learning to love and trust myself. I do that by doing things that make me happy. I eat what I want. I hang out with who I want. I wear what I want. I say what I want. I am just trying to be the best Heather Mangan I can and accepting myself just the way I am.

Also, I am learning to trust in other aspects of my life. When a friend doesn't immediately call me back, I try to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything and not to panic. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but my insecurities don't disrupt my life like they used to. I also tell myself that there is nothing wrong with staying home on a Friday or Saturday night. It's really OK.

So I guess the best way to answer the "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" question is that I am working on my self development. I guess another reason is that I haven't met anyone I am willing to pursue.

Sure, I have met a few great guys lately, but there hasn't been a connection. Too many times I have talked myself into a relationship or staying in one. No more. It shouldn't be that much work. I shouldn't have to convince myself that this is a good idea. It should be.

For now, I am just gonna work on being the best me and waiting for the right time. I know that when I am ready, I am going to have let my guard down when it comes to guys, but for now I am just going to make myself happy.

As a wonderful friend once said, "I guess if I am not finding the right guy now, that's God telling me I need to be the right girl."


**** I know I haven't posted since my move back, and I plan to soon, I just needed to get these thoughts out. So expect an update of my life shortly.****